Friday, 20 May 2011

It's Chilly Up Here

As I write this the time is 00.22hrs on Saturday 21st May 2011. This means that the Lord Jesus is 22 minutes late, and frankly I'm starting to get a bit anxious. You see, I've been a bit of a naughty boy today. I'd kind of figured it would be my last chance. 00.25hrs now; no Angels, no volcanic eruptions (flatulence doesn't count) and not even a glimpse of a Cherub. I wonder, could I have miscalculated? Perhaps I should leave it a few more minutes? Did I mention I was on my roof naked? I'd wanted to borrow Joy's basque and nylons but she said I'd stretch them. I was of the understanding  that I wouldn't need clothes where I was going. I mean heaven's all pink and fluffy isn't it? And I didn't suppose the involuntary erection thing was going to be an issue. I'd considered buying Jesus a present, but what exactly do you buy the God that has everything? HMV vouchers, free Aston Martin track day? A night out with 72 virgins? Oops sorry, wrong religion. So I opted against it, figured I'd just come as I was. I wonder if I'll see anybody I know when I get there? I can think of several people I'd like to see naked. I wonder, do women wear stockings in heaven? If not, then why am I on this roof clinging to a television aerial trying not the fall two floors? 0034hrs. All quiet; a few drunks stumbling home from the pub. 0037hrs. I can't feel my feet, and I've completely lost sight of my genitalia. I suppose they must be down there somewhere? If you read this come the morning it means one of two things; either you've not been raptured, or we still await the glorious 2nd coming. And If you should bump into me tomorrow don't expect me to be a happy bunny. It means I've had to go to work, and that I'm clean out of excuses to slip into Joy's undies. If Carling did End Times, they'd do it a whole lot better than this!

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