So Where Have All The Good Men Gone?

When I was a young man I was under the impression that being nice and working hard would get me to where I wanted to be. It took far longer than it should have to learn that only half of that equasion holds. I was a reasonably attractive young fella. I was in good shape. I was smart. And I could be VERY funny. These are all good traits, but then I went and ruined it all be being TOO nice. Nice is poison when you are trying to attract a girl, although in my defence I was only responding to what society had told me. How many mother's have told their sons that women like good men. If only I had known then that this is quite possibly the most destructive peice of advice I would ever receive. If this was the case then why did the bad boys get all the action? Why did the nice guys come last? Could it be that the equasion is wrong? Well yes and no. What your mother was actually saying is that the kind of good she was referring to comes with a few caveats. My wife Joy, an avid reader of Anne Of Green Gables (Nobody's perfect) observed that in actual fact what a women wants is a man who is baseline good but whom also has the capacity to be bad. From experience, and correct me if I am wrong ladies, but what you want is confidence and competence, with a side salad of chivalry that doesn't ever devolve into the kind of fawning niceness that bores you more quickly than most of you are willing to admit. Full disclosure, I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on what it means to be masculine in the modern world. It became evident to me that men have been the subject of an ongoing campaign of smears and disrespect that is causing many of them to withdraw. I mean why wouldn't they? If you are constantly being told how toxic you are, how YOU are the problem, and how YOU need to change, then what other outcome do you expect? I have a simple message for every person who has raised that critique of men. It's rather to the point. Fuck you. Fuck you, and the horse you rode in on. I'm not even going to waste my time wiping my arse on the intellectual toilet paper that comprises your reasoning skills. I do not like you and I do not respect you. If you are so willing to buy into this rhetoric then I'm actually a little shocked that you have read this far. I mean, there's nothing here for you. So let me nail my colours to the mast. Most men are awesome. Most men are not toxic. Most men want to become better versions of themselves and aspire to be decent father's and husbands and sons. And to the women who constantly bleat about the absence of good men please know that your IQ is in need of a steroid injection. It's not where it needs to be. Sure, there are some assholes out there who don't have a great deal to offer, but the problem is, thanks to YOU all the guys have been swept into the same societal basket. You've applied a one size fits all, reductionist mantra to a whole demographic. Congratulations Einstein, you're the proud owner of the reasoning skills of a cat turd. Now to the guys out there. To those who have so many qualities and yet remain so undervalued. Hold up your head and stick your shoulders back. Take a deep breath and stop believing this nonsense. You have hopes and aspirations. Chase them. You have skills and positive traits. Hone them. But perhaps most importantly, its time for you to drown out the noise. There's a whole world out there to conquer, and with some determination and sacrifice, sprinkled with the occasional spoonful of good luck, you can be a success. I would advise you to avoid the kind of women that brings nothing to the table, or who comes with a set of unreasonable demands whilst simultaneously offering nothing that is going to make you better. And should you meet a higher quality women be aware that they are not perfect either. Nobody is. But the time has come for men to push back against the rank stupidity that now appears to be leaking into all areas of our discourse. We need to stop listening to fools, and to start putting time and the effort into being the most polished and complete versions of ourselves that we can. You world owes you nothing; you only owe yourself. And as for this whole good man mantra, well I suppose there is a place for it, but I'd argue its a luxury belief and should only be considered when you've got yourself to where you want to be. None of what I am suggesting requires you to be unkind or capricious, by the way. I consider both those things to be weaknesses. But you are going to need inner strength, and some real resolve, and perhaps be willing to make some sacrifices in order to succeed as you desire. I would suggest that most things of any real meaning take time to achieve. I mean, isn't that what gives them their value?

The Slow Death Of Hope

Don't be mistaken when you read this. Don't think I'm experiencing some existential struggle. I'm simply putting into words some of my personal reflections over recent months. It has occurred to me that I have been in something of a malaise. Struggling to redefine my purpose now that I have two adult kids. This is odd to me as it is not as if I never saw it coming. I had hoped that once certain milestones had been reached I would be able to lean into other aspects of my psyche, explore parts of myself that just got filed under the category of "Maybe one day". Admit it, you've probably done similar. Only then you learn the bleak truth that whilst this can be done, so much depends on the willingness of other's to walk with you in this journey. See, it get's tricky then, because we're not all on the exact same timeline, and we've all got lives full of stuff that you can't just shove to one side to create a new reality. Being a human can be a bit like being a giant tanker ship, which is to say when you've spent years ploughing certain routes the process of turning the ship around isn't the cake walk you might suppose it would be. I'm 52 years old, and in pretty good shape. My body is fit, my mind is agile, and I'm bursting with ideas of how I want to be moving forward. But I also have commitments and responsibilities so I cannot simply switch from one mode into another. If you've read my blog over the years you will note that I often use the term "Being the truest version of yourself". We all have that desire, but if you're a measured and reasonable soul you have to acknowledge that all our personal needs and desires have to be measured against the needs of those closest to us. So I find myself in this weird halfway house. I want to be available to my kids, both of whom are shaping into remarkable young people, and of course my core responsibility is towards my wife Joy. Am I meeting her needs? Am I speaking her love language? Am I willing to lean into the things that matter to her so that she can flourish? And if not why not? What would be stopping me? You know what, I have come to realise that sins of omission are a brutal, crushing force that can destroy all hope. It's crushing because it isn't born of malice, but rather unwitting neglect. Without going into detail I have, for the longest time, carried with me certain hopes. Many discussions have hinted that there are undiscovered pathways to reinvention that can be walked in tandem, but at what point do you simply acknowledge that the reality and the rhetoric are destined not to converge? Pro tip; never, and I mean NEVER judge a person by their words. Words are often used to buy time, as a deflection. Only judge people by what they actually do, or not do. By these metrics you will learn whether they mean what they say or are simply diversions. So what to take away from all of this? Well in my case this is the great question that I have yet to resolve. I know that continuing as I am would be the equivalent of a long, slow death. The hope ebbing from me as I decline into that life of quiet desperation so many men have succumbed to through the ages? Am I really going to be one of those pitiful creatures? Destined to watch my hopes and dreams gurgle down the plughole of practicality? I have no answer right now, but if some good comes from this I am determinded not to be an obstacle to others. If I can meet I need I will. If I need to learn and research something to better understand it I will absolutely do this. The thought of actively contributing to the misery of another when I have the power to alleviate it is horrifying to me. That's a road I cannot walk.