The Dance Goes On

I recall an ex-girlfriend, from many years ago, say the words "Why me?" in a sad and plaintive voice upon hearing hearing some terrible news. She was asking the wrong question. The actual question should be "Why not?". I mean seriously, why not you? Why somebody else when it comes to life's misfortunes? You think the universe cares? I know, this sounds cold, heartless even. But just take pause. Why do you think that the universe owes you some special dispensation? Some waiver from the pain and the grief and randomness of it all? What are you thinking buddy? That there's some guiding hand, somebody pulling those celestial gears and levers so things work out as they do? I'm sorry but no, and when you have the courage to accept that terrifying reality you actually fortify yourself. So where does that leave us? Well that's easy; just where we were to begin with, which is actually often better than you think. If you want to see justice in the world you need to cultivate it. If you want to see less cruelty you have to be less cruel. You want more love? Then be more loving. I think you get the point. By saying "Why me" you're like a musician arriving at the Albert Hall and then expecting someone in the crowd to provide the music. It doesn't work that way. Life is a symphony that needs to be played by every member in the band. You, me, and a billion others. And the music starts when we begin to play,and the tune we compose will tell us what kind of people we are. My favourite music is that created by people who are honest and real, inventive and passionate. That's a tune I'll dance to all day. Conversely, liars and deceivers and the indolent grate on me. Along with those who simply expect the world to dance to their beat. When we get the harmonies right the world is a spectacular place, frothing with colour and beauty and spectacle. There's an energy in the connection, a truth in the rythm, a power that outstrips anything I've seen elsewhere. So my advice to myself, and actually to you, would be to find a beat that adds to the positive energy. I don't always know what that looks like for me, but I know it when I hear it. I expect it is the same for you. The world isn't going to come to your rescue but sometimes it will honour your endeavour, so try to be the best that you can be. Try to be the truest, most complete, most expansive version of yourself whenever you can. And encourage others when they dance too, and be sure to look out for those who, for whatever reason, are really struggling to dance themselves. Life can be cruel and unkind and completely without mercy, but we don't have to be. There's a line in the opening sequence of Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade, when a young Indy, further to some heroic exploits, is bested by an older and wiser adversary. The guy comes up to him and says, "You lost today kid. It doesn't mean you have to like it", before placing the famous fedora in the young lads head. Those are wise words indeed. We'll fail and we'll succeed, and sometimes feel like it isn't worth dancing at all. On those days just tap your feet. Do what you can. And believe that the dance goes on.

What Are You Bringing To The Relationship - Part 2

There is a scene in the Jack Nicholson movie "As Good As It Get's", where he and the female lead Helen Hunt are sat in a restaurant as he tries to explain the effect that she was having on him. There's an awkward build up until he finally just comes out with the timeless words, "You make me want to be a better man." I would suggest to any lady that if you can get a man to say that then you're home and dry. You've got him. It's the kind of statement, when it comes from a fella, which really means something. It also happens to be how I feel, some 23 years into our marriage, about my wife. Of late I have complained to her that she has civilised me, without quite realising that she's actually done me a favour. By civilised I don't mean tamed because I don't think the average female wants a tame man, but rather I'm inclined to keep aspiring to be a better version of myself. I'm not wholly clear if there's more than one pathway to achieve this, and it may differ from couple to couple. But if you have a man at the point where he feels that way you are doing something VERY right. I realised that in my last blog I focused a lot on the negative elements I see in the kind of women who struggle to form and maintain relationships. Today I want to balance that out with what I regard as some of the positives. Now I very much admire those who can communicate their expectations, and who aren't afraid of exploring different dynamics within a relationship in order to find a beat that works. I respect a female who has the creativity to get inside the male psyche and and use the knowledge to their (and his) advantage. It's also really important that I know the wants and needs of my partner, and whilst I can intuit I can't claim to know what's going on inside her mind. When I know there's an itch I'm not scratching I'm happy to do something about that. Ladies, don't expect your men to "Just Know." because we ain't psychic. Over time we'll get a sense of what makes someone tick but that can be pitfall too because people change over time. And the relationships that flourish are those where the couple grow together whilst also developing as individuals. Never, and I mean ever, lose sight of little old you, because if you neglect her eventually there will be a creeping resentment enter into your relationship. The best of men won't be threatened or belittled when you need to take time out. Quite the opposite; they'll likely appreciate your honesty and are smart enough to know that if you are fulfilled then its a better you he'll get within the relationship. You have your own interests and passions and friends; never sacrifice them because they are an important part of what made you desireable in the first place. I'm deeply suspicious of those whom drop all peripheral aspects of themselves when they find someone new, and outright hostile towards those who demand their partner do likewise. That relationship is doomed. It's parasitic, and you're simply a leech sucking the marrow out of the person you're with. Is that language too strong for your palate? It shouldn't be; take it as a wake up call. To quote Star Trek you're not the Borg and you cannot expect to assimilate another person into your nexus. And even if you could you would be the primary loser because you've eroded the best part of them. So to sum up, bring the best version of you to the party and encourage your partner to be the best version of themselves. You're a team, remember? I don't mean to sound like some lifestyle expert here. If I get anything right it's normally because I got it wrong first. And actually there's a life lesson in that, too. You'll learn as much from your failures as you will from your victories if you're brave enough to confront them honestly and without resorting to projection. Almost all my successes were built upon the rubble of past failure, and how we handle the disappointments says something about us. Relationships can and should be amazing. And they don't have to run out of steam if you've got a couple who are willing to be open to new and surprising directions. The relationship I have with Joy is so different from the one we had 23 years ago. It's richer, more fun, more risque and inventive. And we're not done yet.

What Are You Bringing To A relationship?

It's an honest question. And there's a reason for it. When I listen to some people as they speak about their wants and expectations for a partner I find myself quietly perplexed. I tend to hear a laundry list of preferences, a set of performance standards, a level of attentiveness etc. Ok, I'm thinking, I guess you are free to do that. But I do need to warn you that you have successfully created an enormous bannana skin for yourself. Now in the case of men, a certain percentage would have no idea that they are under this amount of scrutiny. But for the self aware one's, the smart one's, all those "Good men" you claim are all spoken for or that do not exist, how attractive do you think they are going to find being under such scrutiny? Gee, I can't wait to spend time with this girl so I can tick all those boxes and jump through all those hoops. To me that sounds about as enticing as bungee jumping from Tower Bridge with the cord attached to my testicles. Pro tip, self aware and capable men do exist, but they are likely giving you a wide berth. We've all heard the phrase "High maintenance", well that would be you. So given that this is my blog and I can say precisely what I wish, I'm going to suggest that if you really want to get the best from any prospective partner you might want to let them breathe. Don't expect them to be like some performing seal at Whipsnade Zoo, cajoling them to perform party tricks in order to get a fish. Message from the good guys, "Keep your fucking fish, I'm off to Mcdonalds" Look around you, all those "Good men" typically end up with women who are smart, classy, and emotionally together. Women who have high standards but also realistic one's. Fantastic women who deserve all the good things that a good man wants to bring to a relationship. Fun, loyalty, resiliance, creativity. You know, all that stuff you demand yet have completely failed to work for. And so to the title of this blog. What are you bringing to the table? If it's just long legs, big tits, and perfect skin tone then you will find no shortage of men circling you. But will they be the kind of men you really want? I suspect not, because that guy is going to spot you a mile off. Now that's not to say that being visually striking isn't a great tool to have in your kit, but the "Good men" are probably going to be looking for someone with smarts and wit and creativity, too. I often hear women speak about men in very dismissive terms, and a lot of the critique is fair because there are no shortage of imbeciles out there. But I also think there is a propensity to seriously underestimate us. We all get dumped in the same melting pot, which is lazy minded, and also I might add a warning flag to the more articulate and self aware fella's in the room. So to repeat; they do exist but they are likely not beguiled by your playbook. Now it isn't for me to give advice, so I'm therefore going to do it anyway. Just relax into yourself a little. Focus on being the best version of yourself and try not to analyse every last facet of a prospective partners behaviour. Guys love ladies that are chilled and fun and at ease with themselves. So perhaps work on that? Perhaps work on you before you seek to reconstruct others. And allow those guys you like the look of to be authentically themselves; stop marking them like they are constantly under assessment. Relationships work best when there's a balance of expection combined with a shared desire to build and create something good. It can be done. It's happening all around you. But it takes time and patience and forgiveness and humour. And you need to earn it rather than expect it on demand.

Simple Truths

The world does not care about you. The world owes you nothing. There is nothing about you that deserves automatic respect or special treatment. Reality does not change based on your feelings or your opinions on how you would like things to be. Now that I have triggered many of you I should probably flesh this out a bit. I happen to think one of the most damaging things we do is to spend too much time telling our kids how special they are. How they can be anything they want to be and how they are going to change the world. This is bullshit. The vast majority of kids are no more or less special than you or I, and in fact if everybody is special then the word special loses all conceptual meaning. I put to you that what we should be doing is preparing our kids, and each other for the real world. A world that bruises us, disappoints us, that can often make things so hard. Yet the same world where doors will sometimes open unexpectedly, where a bit of pure luck launches us on a whole new and positive trajectory, opening up avenues we were hitherto blind to. Here's the thing, though; all we can really do is apply the principles and show the qualities that give us the best chance of acheiving the latter. Good patterns of behaviour, qualities such as a solid work ethic, an integrity of character, the courage to speak out about the things that matter. I have mentioned before and I do say again, many of you who will read this are abject cowards. There are times when you should have acted but bottled it, when you should have spoken up but remained mute. These ommissions make you a lesser person and less worthy or respect than those who stepped up when it mattered. Don't be a coward. Act. Speak. Project the most real version of yourself to the world rather than some carefully managed PR excercise. Oh by the way, your Instagram followers really don't care that much about you, nor those on any other Social media platform. Likes and comments do not a good person make. It's OK, even from here I can feel your heckles rising, but there is actually a point to this all. We spend so much of our lives speaking falsehoods not just to others but to ourselves. We end up living a shadow of the life that we could because we've lost sight of what the truth is. If I was going to elavate one quality above any other it would be honesty. Be true in what you say. Live true to who you are. Don't bail out in the search for authentic experience because the real loser here will be you. Be brave enough to fail. Brave enough to succeed. Brave enough to stand before others and be true to the core of your being. I do not want for much in life. I have money, an incredible wife, a degree of ability. But none of these things cames without a commitment to living the right way. I came from nothing and I worked like a dog and I took opportunities that came my way, which is to say that when such an opportunity presented itself I worked really hard to turn it into something good. Which brings us full circle. Life owes you neither happiness nor contentment or a cast iron route to success. You have to earn it. You will be a richer person if you do. And be brave. Be less fearful. Let the world know that for all your faults you have integrity and ability and have gotten where you are on merit. And when the knockbacks come take them on the chin. Don't capitulate to misfortune. Don't be a slave to hesitancy. My understanding is that we have one shot at this thing, so take a big swing at it. Who knows; you might just knock it out of the park.