The Most Powerful Force In The World

Is the ability to laugh. At yourself, at the world, at the lunacy and double standards we see everywhere. I'd have gone off my rocker years ago had I not been able to retreat into the lunacy of my own mind. I mean, planet Earth is mental, right? It's like we've thrown several billion cats and alarm clocks into the same sack and then let all the alarms simultaneously go off. It's fireworks everywhere, a clown show. And I love it. I know that I spend a lot of time picking holes in ideas I can't deal with, and its here when being funny keeps me sane. It's either that or I become so perplexed and bewildered that I just end up sat in my rocking chair (I don't actually have a rocking chair) and just squeak back and forth with a pair of bright red knickers on my head and breadsticks up either nostril. The world is mad and getting madder. We're deranging ourselves and those around us. And there's no end in sight. Was it always this way? Nah, course not. This is all about the internet. In a few clicks we can be up in everybody's face and oh boy hasn't that worked out well? We have a 24/7 connection to crazytown and we're all along for the ride. From time to time I mentally overheat, which is to say I get so caught up my obsessions of the moment that I kind of enter this hyper attentive state. In short doses this is OK, but if I don't step back it leads to burn out. So I step back. And maybe you should step back, too? Do any of us pay much attention to how long we spend in the virtual plains on any given day? A check of the phone here, a sit down with a Chromebook there? What's your poison? Instagram, Tik Tok, Facebook, Porn Hub. Mine's Youtube. I've lost hours going down those rabbit holes. I mean, did I really need to spend between the hours of 0100-0300 listening to Dolly Parton, or a US political debate, or marvel as a man devours several pounds of burger in just over 12 minutes? Nope. But I went and did it anyway. Be under no illusion, I am NOT speaking as a virtuous actor here. I'm as mad as all the other cats in the bag. I love a good internet rumble and I spend way too long having fun with people's sensibilities. I'm a kind of non malevolent troll when I'm at my best (Worst?). I'm all about pressing people on what they really meant when they ejaculated some meaningless insult onto a discussion forum. I do have rules, though. Principle amongst these is never to be critical of people on a personal level, but rather focus on their bad ideas. A cheap insult is just that and pretty much signals to the world that you're not up to the task of having an actual discussion. So thanks for the heads up. What is interesting to me is how wedded certain people are to the ideas they have embraced. People can make a religion out of anything. And when these ideas get faced with better ones then it can be quite a thing to behold. Pro tip; never enter into any discussion unless you're brave enought to entertain the risk of your mind being changed. If you cannot meet that baseline principle you are not a good faith actor. And when people speak listen. And if you don't understand something they have said seek clarification. And don't be too quick to assume malice. Oh heck, I've gone done it again. Started a blog with the intention of talking about humour only for it to turn into something else. I'm a bugger for that. . .

Nobody Just Falls Into An Affair

Nobody. They just don't. Anybody who says otherwise is just lying to themselves and those around them. As a man who's been married for 23 years I would like to share what I have learned about these things. First, sorry to disappoint, but I have never been physically unfaithful to my wife, although I have been tempted twice. First time was in my first year working for Thames Valley, and I was alongside a women with whom there was a kind of chemistry. You know the signs; the way you bounce off each other, the ease with which you interact, the way you look forward to working with each other. She was single and I was not, and the red warning lights were everywhere, so I made a decision to transfer from Kidlington to Milton Keynes because I was going through a time when I was vulnerable myself for all kinds of emotional reasons. About those red warning lights, by the way, do yourself a favour and stop pretending you never saw them. You did. You just chose not to pay attention. I knew I was doing the right thing by removing myself from temptation but I'm not going to pretend it was easy. 2nd time was maybe 7-8 years ago, again the same chemistry and again when things weren't going great at a personal level. Bright girl, funny and geeky; the kind who's just easy to be around. Again, no physical betrayal occurred but we spoke way too candidly about sex and realised quickly that we were moving into dangerous territory. Again she was single and being around her was a buzz, which made me want to be around her more. We no longer work together and, once again, both realised that we needed to step back. So in one sense the betrayal never occurred, but then is that really true? Doesn't the deception equal a kind of infidelity in its own right? Could I have done more to avoid these interactions? I expect so, if I'm being really honest. I think most people can. I also think a lot of us choose not to and play games of self deception in order to make sense of it. Now be under no illusion that I am, or have ever been, a good man; I am a flawed and contradictory one. If I have one saving grace it is that I never actively seek to cause harm to others. On both of the occasions I mentioned I was on the edge of making really risky choices, and as I reflect I can identify a couple of factors. I was in a personal place where I was not particularly happy. I felt I wasn't able to communicate what I needed to the woman I was married to. That doesn't justify, not one iota, what I almost did, but it does place it in some context. For the record I have spoken to Joy about both instances. These were times when neither of us were particularly at peace with where we were at as a couple, which incidentally justifies nothing. Remember my reference to red lights at the start of this? Don't kid yourself about the realities here; in order to have an affair you have to go through so many of these. Life gives you ample opportunity to see the wrong you are about to do. Deny this if you like but nobody is fooled. I went through amber lights twice in 23 years of marriage and that was already too far. So why do I write about this now? Why today? I suppose there are some younger guys out there who will find themselves in a similar place. To them I can offer only one piece of worthy advice, which is not to kid yourself. You know when you're with somebody who you connect with. It feels different. There's an edge, a buzz, something causing you to fixate. You'll know it when you experience it. As for me now things are very different. I have a marriage that has been built, through hard work and lots of blind alleys, into something where we are very connected. It takes work, and it still gets hard sometimes. Largely due to men and women being different in so many ways. There are gaps to bridge and potholes to fill from time to time, but we both have a desire to keep building and refining what we have into something that is more authentic and real. It's a myth that a marriage has to grow stale. It's a wicked lie and and it doesn't have to go that way. Over the course of a life we all change, and its how we factor those changes into the relationships we form that will dictate whether they remain alive. Keeep building those bridges. Keep communicating. Don't expect your partner to know all your needs and complexities because none of us are psychic. Keep finding ways to make life together fun. Joy has a very lovely saying she will often share with me when we're struggling to make time to be the truest versions of ourselves. She'll say, "Make the most of what comes and the least of what goes". Sometimes I really don't want to hear it and would prefer to keep sulking, but I know she's right. No relationship can remain at full throttle all the time, but I think that as long as there is the desire to keep building good things into each other's lives there's hope. . .

Kyle Rittenhouse And Why America Is No Longer The Land Of The Free

The case of Kyle Rittenhouse serves as a prime example of two incompatible truths. It simultaneously demonstrates why America must do something about gun ownership whilst also showing why it never will. I mean, what an abject shit show. All of it. You have the goons from BLM and Antifa on the rampage after another Police shooting, and then add to the mix an idealistic and naive "Young hero" who thinks he can ride into Dodge and save the day. Putting aside the fact that each person Rittenhouse shot had a significant criminal history, sex offences in one instance, and you have everything awful about the USA wrapped up in one incident. Surely Americans simply have to accept that when you have hundreds of millions of firearms in the hands of a nervous and jittery populace there will always be outcomes like this? Its what happens when polarisation and fear override reason and restraint. Be under no illusion, nothing will change in the wake of this. There isn't the will, nor the means, nor the strength required to do so. On any given day people of all stripes are getting caught up in gun related violence, and they live in a society that has gone too far down the rabbit hole to have any reasonable way of getting back. America is no longer the land of the free but rather the land of the the fearful. I wonder whether at the subconscious level it knows China will dethrone it as the most significant world power. I would argue this has already come to pass. While the West sleep walks towards avoidable catastrophe after avoidable catastrophe the Chinese government retains an iron grip on its own people, shaping an effective counterpoint to our increasing societal derangement. That's not me praising China, by the way. I just simply acknowledge that they are playing the game in such a way that will render them top of the tree. Looking further afield than the States, I suspect that the developed world is also at a real tipping point; facing real challenges around how we address the way in which technology is changing us. When more people want to become Youtube influencers than they do doctors and engineers then you know you're in a race to the bottom. But this blog today is about how one nation in particular is orchestrating its own demise. It lurches so heavily Left and Right, like a ship under the onslaught of vast ocean waves. The only narrative one of combat, the mood music one of division. That's not a sensible equilibrium; its how kingdoms fall. I simply cannot see a way out of this malady in the absence of leadership that can genuinely unify. Trump never wanted to do that whilst Biden lacks the cognitive functioning skills to do so. I strongly suspect he is President in the symbolic sense only, and that there are other forces pulling his strings. From the outside looking in it is grimly fascinating to watch a once great nation devour itself, but then perhaps that is just the way of things. Nothing is permanent except impermanance, meaning that the only true certainty is the manner of the actual demise. Its true on the personal level, and perhaps also on the national one. Its one thing to "Live in interesting times" as the Chinese proverb goes. Yet it makes for an uneasy watch.

The Man Who Knew Nothing At All

I am not a fixed point. I change. I ebb and flow. I am not beholden to any creed or system of belief, choosing instead to base my behaviour on a few simple values. Honesty is something i aspire to, even though i expect we lie to ourselves all the time. Self deceipt is acid to the soul and nobody is ever truly safe from it. I absolutely try to be as direct and real with others as i can, and occasionally my social skills come along for the ride. I am not a man of mystery, and i'm not trying to deceive you. What you see is really what you get. And because I change i might sometimes leave you a little perplexed. I'm not doing that on purpose, by the way. I'm just trying to figure stuff out. The older i get the more i realise that there's so much i dont know. I'm just fumbling around in the dark when it comes to eternal questions. I can't do conventional religious belief because that looks very man made to me. I'm open to divine possibilities and sacred spaces but I couldn't honestly tell you what that looks like. We've all had experiences that touch us in ways that are deep and profound. I'm most likely to experience this in nature. A night bursting with stars, a vision of autumnal perfection, the way in which it all fits together. One of the most complete experiences I've had was when i walked the Grand Union Canal back in September. The solitude in nature combined with observing the whole human ecosystem of the canal itself. Just a rucksack on my back as I went mile after mile, alone with my thoughts yet so aware that I was part of something larger. I'm just a man, one of several billion souls that currently inhabit our world. And what a world it is. Bruised yet bold, fragile yet resplendent, so large yet so insignificant when one looks beyond. Who knows what undiscovered miracles exist out in the icy void. The possibilities, the incomprehensible vastness of it. My mind is too small, my days too fleeting. What a privilege to have been on this journey at all. I'm very aware that this won't last forever, and since turning 50 i accept that what rests behind me likely outweighs what is ahead. This does not make me melancholy, but rather i am somewhat resolute. We all die and that is fine. As Christopher Hitchens observed there comes a day when we just have to make way. There are others coming through afterall. Sometimes I observe people and I hear them forever talking about what they want to do tomorrow. Holding out for some specific, perfect thing. An image of a young bird peeking out over the edge of a nest located high up in the trees springs to mind. Waiting. Hesitant. Holding out for the moment when all the stars align. A word to the wise, friends. There's only the now. And there's a life to be lived today. So take flight little bird. Those wings need to get stronger. Because when they are you can soar higher, further, and for longer. It's not all about waiting, you know. . .

Baseline Me. What You See Is Really What You Get.

We seem to live in a realm where a substantial majority of us have a real reticence about saying the wrong thing, or being perceived as hateful or phobic should they share an opinion that does not gel with the mood of the moment. This makes me a little sad, and I kind of wonder how we reached this point? But rather than dwell on that I want to explain where I am coming from, because I have some baseline principles that I try to live by. First off, I don't want people to have to 2nd guess me. I'm not a mystery to be solved. If I say something it is because I hold that particular view at that particular moment. My opionion might evolve over time as I discover new elements of an argument or have experiences that influence my thinking, but that's true for most of us, or at least I hope it is. Some might describe me as outspoken but I don't think this is really so. I'm simply prepared to share my position whilst being open enough to accept that it could be wrong, or could change. What bought me here is my life journey which has taken me down some interesting routes. From a lost and uneducated teen to a failed writer to a hard working professional in some fascinating fields. Those of you who met me in later life may not know that I was once a Bible believing evangelical Christian from the age of 24 to 36. It was a very deep and meaningful part of my life and I learned much, despite ultimately reaching a different view of the world. Leaving a strongly held faith having lived it for so long leaves you with some huge gaps to fill. All the questions you thought you had resolved need to be revisited, and this happens whilst you're working through a kind of bereavement. I basically challenged every perspective I ever held and realised that I liked doing it. I'd argue there's a humility in reflection, in recognising that the world doesn't come neatly packaged and that there are contradictions and connundrums everywhere you turn. Figuring out where you stand is a lifelong journey and I'd caution against making assumptions of any kind. That said I do have core principles I try to abide by. I never judge somebody by their appearance alone, which took practice but once mastered was so liberating. I can be around a person of immense physical and intellectual beauty and not be the slightest phased because I am judging them by the content of their character rather than the external stuff. I also want people to know where they stand with me and accept that they might not like what they see. I will say what I think and that might not be what you were expecting or hoping to hear. It might cause you to disapprove, but at least you won't have to 2nd guess. I'm an advocate of hard work too, and I apply myself well in most environments. I dislike lazy people, and I don't just mean physically lazy. Mentally lazy people, too. I also take a very dim view of bullies and if I have one trigger point it is this. As someone who was both bullied and who did their fair share of bullying as a kid I learned a very controversial lesson. I never turn the other cheek. I always fight back. I was the kid at school who'd always fight the bigger guy. Not because I would win, but because at root a bully is an insecure coward and if you stand up to them they tend to pick a different target next time. I'm not going to say this is a sensible strategy a but its who I am. Happily, at my age most of my confrontations are of the mental variety so I tend not to emerge with a black eye. Look, all of this is simply to illustrate that I think being authentic matters. Poeple don't have to like me but I hope they know where they stand. I hope they can be confident that the version they get of me is always the real one. I'm not an act. Not some cabaret. No performance artist. What you see is really what you get.

Netflix, Some Elements Of The Trans Community, And The Curious Case Of Dave Chapelle

For the uniniated Dave Chapelle is a comedian. I can take him or leave him. He can be bit edgy on occasions. Some people don't like this and have tried to have his latest Netflix special removed from the service. Potted version, he made a few jokes about the trans community and also dared to agree with JK Rowling when she was critical of the same demographic. Full disclosure, I fully support the trans community and feel strongly that a person should always have the opportunity to be the truest version of themselves. This to me is basic kindness. But, I caveat this by adding that I think there is a sub section within this community that has gone about things in an entirely dumbass way. Now I expect the vast majority of those who self designate as trans are perfectly rational and see the world through a well informed lens. Sadly, there is also a very vocal fringe that appears to think that the best way to deal with voices of dissent is to silence them. Consequently, I fear that they are losing a lot of support from people who would otherwise be on their side. So here's the thing; we live in a world of opposing viewpoints. It is by the sharing of these that we come to better understand each other. Conversation is a wonderful way of resolving misunderstanding, reducing tension, and building bridges. When we don't talk, and when we actively deny others a voice we do an unspeakable harm. Silence can breed resentment and misunderstanding, and lead to the kind of violence with which we are all too familiar. So whilst this vocal trans minority may think they are acting wisely what they are actually doing to placing a ticking time bomb beneath their own cause. They are actively self harming, yet many seem oblivious to this. Now you all know me as someone who will happily wade in to difficult topics, and to me this issue is clear. It's painfully simple. Live and let live. You have your voice and I shall have mine, and through the free exchange of ideas we'll figure something out. I get that some opinions can be hurtful, and there are things we might prefer not to hear. In the case of Netflix we have this remarkable piece of technology called a remote control. We can change channel. It's quite something. Today over a 1000 staff at Netflix are staging a walk out because the Dave Chapelle comedy special has been allowed to remain on air. Their efforts to cancel yet another voice have failed, and I'm delighted. Dear trans community; you don't get to tell me what I can find funny. You do not get to tell me what I can and cannot watch. And you sure as fuck don't get to tell me who get's to speak and who does not. Your actions are sending a horrible message to the world and you need to cut this nonsense out. You are not the thought police. We do not require such a service. People like me are on your side, but if you keep this up your going to be hemorrhaging allies that would otherwise have your back.

Wayne Couzens - How I Choose To Respond

If you are a female, irrespective of your age, your looks, or whatever additional qualities you possess there's one thing you should know about me. I have absolutely no interest in you. There is nothing about you that draws my attention. Before you go off the deep end I should probably explain that there is a rationale behind this. I am accutely mindful of my responsibility to be an example to those around me. I decided, on the back of the whole Metoo movement that we had fallen victim to a collective bewilderment around relationships and interactions with the sexes. We appear to have lost the capacity to see each other through anything other than a murky, suspicious lens, and I want no part in this. So if I ever seem stand offish around you, or very careful about invading your personal space, it is because I want to leave you in no doubt about where you stand with me. I hate that we live in a climate of heightened anxiety where women feel unsafe walking home, and that up to 94% will confide that they have been made to feel uncomfortable by men. I honestly don't know whether this is worse than it used to be, but I could hazard a few guesses as to what might be adding to the strain. These are points for another post, though, because today is a day when we need to be thinking about girls like Sarah and Nessa and the other's that got taken from their families by predators. Whilst the percentage of such horrors is thankfully small they do shine a light on some of the wider concerns raised. We have to find a way of clearing the smog away from our interactions, of moving away from this gut rush to vilify all men for their failings and all women for theirs. And yes, ladies, you have failings too. My decision to be a bit distant is a combination of genuine concern as to how I might be perceived, but also in no small part due to a sense of self preservation. It makes sense for me to make decisions that limit the chances of misunderstanding. I'm no moral beacon but I know that as a mature male I do have some responsibility to quietly get alongside younger guys who are, in all probability, a bit befuddled by what society expects of them. Here's my advice; don't get too caught up by those who hurl around terms such as patriarchy and toxic masculinity. These are blanket terms representative of precisely nothing. When it comes to how you are around women the rules are simple. Communicate, be decent, and when rejected (and statistically you will be ) just shrug those shoulders and move on. I could get all scientific as to why women tend to be more selective than men in dating (short answer - the investment is higher for them so they need to be sure in their choices), but again now isn't the day for that. And ladies, here's what I won't be doing. I will not be apologising for the abject behaviour of other men. I wouldn't demand that of you so don't expect it of me. At the end of the day can't we all just try and be kind to each other? A bit less transactional? Maybe even try a little harder to see the intrinsic value in each other rather than just the market value. Oh fuck it, I have no idea whether you're going to get any of what I'm trying to say. And there's the problem, there are no easy answers, and those who think otherwise really aren't doing much thinking at all. Base principle for guys is not to put yourself in a position where you can be open to accusations of misunderstanding, and if I could gently encourage women to see things with a little more nuance. I refuse to defend all men. I'm not all men. I'm this man. Make what you want of that. . .

Looking Through A Fractured Lens

We appear to be in something of a pickle. We appear to spend more time trying to undermine each other rather then empower. Perhaps this has always been the case and I've not been paying attention, yet I sense things are worsening now. Full disclosure; I am a middle aged white man, so in the eyes of many Satan. Me and my ilk are, if you believe all you're told, responsible for every ailment in modern society. We are racist, mysogynist, cruel, thoughtless, and devoid of anything close to a moral compass. We're somehow at fault at all times and in all places. We're guilty to the core, unrepentant and beyond salvation. We're every pantomime villain you ever conceived of and so much more beside. We're not perfect, I grant you. In my line of work I often see men at their absolute worst. But, and this really matters, I would suggest that we're not that bad. It's Ok, I heard the audience gasp, too. Yet amidst the tyranical and cruel and unthinking males of the world exist a significant number who want to see not just themselves but others flourish. For my part, I want to do no more than live my life without doing so at the expense of other people, and if I can, along my journey, help and encourage and inspire others then that would be just fine. What I'm going to suggest is that we all need to be a little more discerning in our judgements. Not all people are alike. We need to take each individual on their merits, irrespective of gender or race or ideology. When we do that we are being fair minded. Being reasonable. Being kind, even. Yes, there are bad men out there. Women too. There are black racists, white racists, wonderful people of faith and terrible one's. Give someone chance to breathe and they might just surprise you. One word of caution however; there appears to be a bias in the media that is almost wholly agenda driven, and it is too easy to be swept up in this. The solution is simple. Expand where you get your information from, irrespective of your existing affiliations. Think outside your own box, challenge your own assumptions. More than that, have the openness to recognise that we all have plenty left to learn. And prepare to be wrong, and humble in the face of this. We are not the centre of the universe, but merely droplets of humanity amidst an ocean of existence. We might all be bobbing around in the same ocean, but the tide isn't always the same.

The Dance Goes On

I recall an ex-girlfriend, from many years ago, say the words "Why me?" in a sad and plaintive voice upon hearing hearing some terrible news. She was asking the wrong question. The actual question should be "Why not?". I mean seriously, why not you? Why somebody else when it comes to life's misfortunes? You think the universe cares? I know, this sounds cold, heartless even. But just take pause. Why do you think that the universe owes you some special dispensation? Some waiver from the pain and the grief and randomness of it all? What are you thinking buddy? That there's some guiding hand, somebody pulling those celestial gears and levers so things work out as they do? I'm sorry but no, and when you have the courage to accept that terrifying reality you actually fortify yourself. So where does that leave us? Well that's easy; just where we were to begin with, which is actually often better than you think. If you want to see justice in the world you need to cultivate it. If you want to see less cruelty you have to be less cruel. You want more love? Then be more loving. I think you get the point. By saying "Why me" you're like a musician arriving at the Albert Hall and then expecting someone in the crowd to provide the music. It doesn't work that way. Life is a symphony that needs to be played by every member in the band. You, me, and a billion others. And the music starts when we begin to play,and the tune we compose will tell us what kind of people we are. My favourite music is that created by people who are honest and real, inventive and passionate. That's a tune I'll dance to all day. Conversely, liars and deceivers and the indolent grate on me. Along with those who simply expect the world to dance to their beat. When we get the harmonies right the world is a spectacular place, frothing with colour and beauty and spectacle. There's an energy in the connection, a truth in the rythm, a power that outstrips anything I've seen elsewhere. So my advice to myself, and actually to you, would be to find a beat that adds to the positive energy. I don't always know what that looks like for me, but I know it when I hear it. I expect it is the same for you. The world isn't going to come to your rescue but sometimes it will honour your endeavour, so try to be the best that you can be. Try to be the truest, most complete, most expansive version of yourself whenever you can. And encourage others when they dance too, and be sure to look out for those who, for whatever reason, are really struggling to dance themselves. Life can be cruel and unkind and completely without mercy, but we don't have to be. There's a line in the opening sequence of Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade, when a young Indy, further to some heroic exploits, is bested by an older and wiser adversary. The guy comes up to him and says, "You lost today kid. It doesn't mean you have to like it", before placing the famous fedora in the young lads head. Those are wise words indeed. We'll fail and we'll succeed, and sometimes feel like it isn't worth dancing at all. On those days just tap your feet. Do what you can. And believe that the dance goes on.

What Are You Bringing To The Relationship - Part 2

There is a scene in the Jack Nicholson movie "As Good As It Get's", where he and the female lead Helen Hunt are sat in a restaurant as he tries to explain the effect that she was having on him. There's an awkward build up until he finally just comes out with the timeless words, "You make me want to be a better man." I would suggest to any lady that if you can get a man to say that then you're home and dry. You've got him. It's the kind of statement, when it comes from a fella, which really means something. It also happens to be how I feel, some 23 years into our marriage, about my wife. Of late I have complained to her that she has civilised me, without quite realising that she's actually done me a favour. By civilised I don't mean tamed because I don't think the average female wants a tame man, but rather I'm inclined to keep aspiring to be a better version of myself. I'm not wholly clear if there's more than one pathway to achieve this, and it may differ from couple to couple. But if you have a man at the point where he feels that way you are doing something VERY right. I realised that in my last blog I focused a lot on the negative elements I see in the kind of women who struggle to form and maintain relationships. Today I want to balance that out with what I regard as some of the positives. Now I very much admire those who can communicate their expectations, and who aren't afraid of exploring different dynamics within a relationship in order to find a beat that works. I respect a female who has the creativity to get inside the male psyche and and use the knowledge to their (and his) advantage. It's also really important that I know the wants and needs of my partner, and whilst I can intuit I can't claim to know what's going on inside her mind. When I know there's an itch I'm not scratching I'm happy to do something about that. Ladies, don't expect your men to "Just Know." because we ain't psychic. Over time we'll get a sense of what makes someone tick but that can be pitfall too because people change over time. And the relationships that flourish are those where the couple grow together whilst also developing as individuals. Never, and I mean ever, lose sight of little old you, because if you neglect her eventually there will be a creeping resentment enter into your relationship. The best of men won't be threatened or belittled when you need to take time out. Quite the opposite; they'll likely appreciate your honesty and are smart enough to know that if you are fulfilled then its a better you he'll get within the relationship. You have your own interests and passions and friends; never sacrifice them because they are an important part of what made you desireable in the first place. I'm deeply suspicious of those whom drop all peripheral aspects of themselves when they find someone new, and outright hostile towards those who demand their partner do likewise. That relationship is doomed. It's parasitic, and you're simply a leech sucking the marrow out of the person you're with. Is that language too strong for your palate? It shouldn't be; take it as a wake up call. To quote Star Trek you're not the Borg and you cannot expect to assimilate another person into your nexus. And even if you could you would be the primary loser because you've eroded the best part of them. So to sum up, bring the best version of you to the party and encourage your partner to be the best version of themselves. You're a team, remember? I don't mean to sound like some lifestyle expert here. If I get anything right it's normally because I got it wrong first. And actually there's a life lesson in that, too. You'll learn as much from your failures as you will from your victories if you're brave enough to confront them honestly and without resorting to projection. Almost all my successes were built upon the rubble of past failure, and how we handle the disappointments says something about us. Relationships can and should be amazing. And they don't have to run out of steam if you've got a couple who are willing to be open to new and surprising directions. The relationship I have with Joy is so different from the one we had 23 years ago. It's richer, more fun, more risque and inventive. And we're not done yet.

What Are You Bringing To A relationship?

It's an honest question. And there's a reason for it. When I listen to some people as they speak about their wants and expectations for a partner I find myself quietly perplexed. I tend to hear a laundry list of preferences, a set of performance standards, a level of attentiveness etc. Ok, I'm thinking, I guess you are free to do that. But I do need to warn you that you have successfully created an enormous bannana skin for yourself. Now in the case of men, a certain percentage would have no idea that they are under this amount of scrutiny. But for the self aware one's, the smart one's, all those "Good men" you claim are all spoken for or that do not exist, how attractive do you think they are going to find being under such scrutiny? Gee, I can't wait to spend time with this girl so I can tick all those boxes and jump through all those hoops. To me that sounds about as enticing as bungee jumping from Tower Bridge with the cord attached to my testicles. Pro tip, self aware and capable men do exist, but they are likely giving you a wide berth. We've all heard the phrase "High maintenance", well that would be you. So given that this is my blog and I can say precisely what I wish, I'm going to suggest that if you really want to get the best from any prospective partner you might want to let them breathe. Don't expect them to be like some performing seal at Whipsnade Zoo, cajoling them to perform party tricks in order to get a fish. Message from the good guys, "Keep your fucking fish, I'm off to Mcdonalds" Look around you, all those "Good men" typically end up with women who are smart, classy, and emotionally together. Women who have high standards but also realistic one's. Fantastic women who deserve all the good things that a good man wants to bring to a relationship. Fun, loyalty, resiliance, creativity. You know, all that stuff you demand yet have completely failed to work for. And so to the title of this blog. What are you bringing to the table? If it's just long legs, big tits, and perfect skin tone then you will find no shortage of men circling you. But will they be the kind of men you really want? I suspect not, because that guy is going to spot you a mile off. Now that's not to say that being visually striking isn't a great tool to have in your kit, but the "Good men" are probably going to be looking for someone with smarts and wit and creativity, too. I often hear women speak about men in very dismissive terms, and a lot of the critique is fair because there are no shortage of imbeciles out there. But I also think there is a propensity to seriously underestimate us. We all get dumped in the same melting pot, which is lazy minded, and also I might add a warning flag to the more articulate and self aware fella's in the room. So to repeat; they do exist but they are likely not beguiled by your playbook. Now it isn't for me to give advice, so I'm therefore going to do it anyway. Just relax into yourself a little. Focus on being the best version of yourself and try not to analyse every last facet of a prospective partners behaviour. Guys love ladies that are chilled and fun and at ease with themselves. So perhaps work on that? Perhaps work on you before you seek to reconstruct others. And allow those guys you like the look of to be authentically themselves; stop marking them like they are constantly under assessment. Relationships work best when there's a balance of expection combined with a shared desire to build and create something good. It can be done. It's happening all around you. But it takes time and patience and forgiveness and humour. And you need to earn it rather than expect it on demand.

Simple Truths

The world does not care about you. The world owes you nothing. There is nothing about you that deserves automatic respect or special treatment. Reality does not change based on your feelings or your opinions on how you would like things to be. Now that I have triggered many of you I should probably flesh this out a bit. I happen to think one of the most damaging things we do is to spend too much time telling our kids how special they are. How they can be anything they want to be and how they are going to change the world. This is bullshit. The vast majority of kids are no more or less special than you or I, and in fact if everybody is special then the word special loses all conceptual meaning. I put to you that what we should be doing is preparing our kids, and each other for the real world. A world that bruises us, disappoints us, that can often make things so hard. Yet the same world where doors will sometimes open unexpectedly, where a bit of pure luck launches us on a whole new and positive trajectory, opening up avenues we were hitherto blind to. Here's the thing, though; all we can really do is apply the principles and show the qualities that give us the best chance of acheiving the latter. Good patterns of behaviour, qualities such as a solid work ethic, an integrity of character, the courage to speak out about the things that matter. I have mentioned before and I do say again, many of you who will read this are abject cowards. There are times when you should have acted but bottled it, when you should have spoken up but remained mute. These ommissions make you a lesser person and less worthy or respect than those who stepped up when it mattered. Don't be a coward. Act. Speak. Project the most real version of yourself to the world rather than some carefully managed PR excercise. Oh by the way, your Instagram followers really don't care that much about you, nor those on any other Social media platform. Likes and comments do not a good person make. It's OK, even from here I can feel your heckles rising, but there is actually a point to this all. We spend so much of our lives speaking falsehoods not just to others but to ourselves. We end up living a shadow of the life that we could because we've lost sight of what the truth is. If I was going to elavate one quality above any other it would be honesty. Be true in what you say. Live true to who you are. Don't bail out in the search for authentic experience because the real loser here will be you. Be brave enough to fail. Brave enough to succeed. Brave enough to stand before others and be true to the core of your being. I do not want for much in life. I have money, an incredible wife, a degree of ability. But none of these things cames without a commitment to living the right way. I came from nothing and I worked like a dog and I took opportunities that came my way, which is to say that when such an opportunity presented itself I worked really hard to turn it into something good. Which brings us full circle. Life owes you neither happiness nor contentment or a cast iron route to success. You have to earn it. You will be a richer person if you do. And be brave. Be less fearful. Let the world know that for all your faults you have integrity and ability and have gotten where you are on merit. And when the knockbacks come take them on the chin. Don't capitulate to misfortune. Don't be a slave to hesitancy. My understanding is that we have one shot at this thing, so take a big swing at it. Who knows; you might just knock it out of the park.

A Sermon By The Right Reverend Rob Barnes (Non Expert On Just About Everything)

I'm not a Reverend. I expect you've noticed. I mean can you imagine! Nah, I'm just a fella who see's the world through his own lens and who's reached the point where he's happy enough (foolish enough) to share his musings with other's. As I write this it 0525 in the morning and I woke up thinking about young women. I my God that sounds soooo creepy. Let me rephrase; I woke up thinking about how this world has become a really tough place for many of them. I work with a lot of incredibly capable and talented young souls, and I'm consistently in awe of just how smart and hard working they are. Yet I've also noticed that a fair few, beneath the surface, seem to be carrying some inner sadness. Now I could be wrong on so many levels about this, but I think the way the world is today makes it really hard for a young women to find peace and contentment, and I think there are several reasons for that. I'm only going to focus on one today, though, because I suspect that if they could crack this nut then so much more would fall into place. So I'm just going to come out and say it; I think you need to get better at loving yourself. Better at being less judgemental about how you look, what you say, what you've done or not done. Better at not comparing yourself against all those either bright young things out there. You seem to find it so hard to find the good in yourself and you measure yourself against impossible standards. To be sure, there will always be someone out there more beautiful and clever and quick witted, but that doesn't mean you're not awesome. You really need to see the epic in yourself, to appreciate your own intrinsic self worth. And this has to be an inside job. No amount of compliments or affirmation or encouragement from other's is going to give you that, although of course it's nice to be on the end of these things. But YOU need to learn to love YOU. You need to understand just what a force of nature you are. What you bring to the world. I think I know a little about what makes an amazing women because I'm married to one. And this much I know, there is so much to be gained by finding a place where you learn to cherish yourselves. God, as I write this I'm so conscious of not wanting to preach, hence the self mocking title. It's just sometimes I can look at a person and I can see their inner sadness. And it's often those that on the surface would appear to have it all. Beautiful, clever, kind and empathic women. You judge yourself so harshly. You seem to hold yourself in such low regard. I really think you need to learn not to, and to be less hasty to self convict. Now I know there's not much point in me telling you to be less physically self conscious but its me so I'm going to do it anyway. You're cool, OK? Bloody great, actually. And you need not apologise to the world for who you are. Oh heck I'm bound to get flack for even going here but in a world that's so full of judgement, the art of self appreciation has never been more important. Doesn't matter how many Instagram likes you get, or how frequently people swipe left or right or whatever the fuck they do on internet dating sites. No amount of praise from the outside is going to bring you peace unless you can learn to like yourself. So please be gentler with you. Be kinder with you. Be better at meeting your own needs and recognising when you're not doing that. One of the most attractive qualities in a well balanced women is when they reach this apex. It actually applies to guys too, although as one of those lesser creatures I think we're probably better at thinking less and just going with it. So all this is really to do no more than suggest, to implore, that it is absolutely fine to be you. In fact, push the boat out, learn to cherish your feminine power and wiles and poise and intellect. It's an absolute force of nature. And one more thing; we live in a world where we spend so much time "Doing" and not enough time "Being". Don't underestimate the power of "Being", those moments when you stop and pause and take it all in. And once you've surfaced for breath keep being kind to yourself. Lavish upon your own wellbeing, and make it one of those good kind of habits that you form. You're cool, remember? More than cool, actually. Now bugger off and stop reading this tripe. . . .

Swinging Both Ways

Nope. I haven't just come out as Bisexual, so sorry to disappoint. The title actually refers to my inability to side with any one tribe or ideology. It refers to my love of disagreement, my desire to get down and dirty with difficult subjects. Whilst I never go out of my way to offend I appreciate that sometimes it might happen. I'm not sorry. If people had the courage to disagree more, and did it from a place of mutual respect then as a society we'd be so much further down the road. But no, we seem to prefer name calling, dividing ourselves into tribes and isolating ourselves from opinions that cause us discomfort. How are you expecting to learn anything if you take that approach? Doesn't that make you little better than the canary that remains in the cage when the door is open, too afraid the cats might get you? Newsflash, you can fly little bird. The cats cannot get you when you are soaring. And you can always return to your cage at the end of day. But why would you want to? There's so much to experience, to question, to soak in. I'm a wiser person because I have, for many years now, actually gone to uncomfortable places. I'm the better informed for it. So to those of you who struggle to step out of your comfort zone, expect to be taken apart when you come up against somebody with real knowledge. There's always somebody out there smarter, quicker, more capable. But here's the thing, you can still do you. You don't have to change, but it's probably best that you're open to new experience. And don't get too comfortable or obsessed by the need to be popular because she's a fickle mistress. It's like the slightly obsessive partner who's always judging everything you do, which is to say that its a battle you could never win and probably not one worth fighting. It's entirely possible to be unique and true to who you are without having to protect what you already have. So get out there, be open to conflict of the good kind. The kind which leaves you with an expanded mind, a wider lens, a richer suite of possibilities. You can have your cake whilst also taking a bite from everybody else's.

The Devil And I

As you know, I do not hold a belief in God. This despite having been an evangelical Christian for 12 years from the age of 24 through to 36. The world to me seems to look pretty much as I would expect were it to contain no Divine presence. The more I reflect, the existence of the Devil is a far more probable thing. I mean, look at his advertising budget. Hardly a moment passes without some piece of hideousness coming to pass somewhere in the world. Usually to those most vulnerable, to those least able to defend themselves and protect those they love. Funny how those in positions of power are most protected, but then is it? Of course not, but then that's the point isn't it. In a world full of arbitrary misfortune combined with a species such as ourselves and its propensity for simple malice, this is what we would expect. Now of course I don't believe in a literal Satan, and it has long been my conviction that the deepest darkness can be found in the heart of man. Our thinking brains all have a darkness malingering, a shadow that always wants to unfurl and impact the world. To hate is easy, to love harder. To judge trivial, to forgive a challenge. It's almost as if the decks are stacked towards enticing us towards those darker places. I wonder why? And let's be honest, who has not taken a perverse pleasure in the misfortunate of someone we dislike who may have received a reckoning. We can deny it all we want but it is there, a hovering satisfaction when we deem that some kind of cosmic justice has been served. I see sufficient malice and cruelty and unkindness through the course of my work to have reached a point where I have what might be described as selective empathy. I do not care for others equally. I make no pretence over this. And I venture no apology. If a person continually persues a course of conduct that results in the suffering of others you can be damn sure that I care a lot less about him or her than I do a genuine victim. Talking of the latter, when I encounter them it reminds me that the darkness has not consumed me whole. To get alongside a victim of crime, or a domestic violence sufferer, or a person in extremis is something I consider a privilage. To walk with them, to carry a little of their load if only for a few minutes. To listen, to engage, to connect human to human. I often hear people say how they dislike dealing with the public and I find it perplexing. Granted they can drive you insane, but when you do make that meaningful connection it is special. I have never lost that feeling, and the day I do I will know that it is time to move on. Those of you seeking to deny your own darkness might want to be reminded that to do so is a fools errand. Fighting it only makes it more tempting. But you do not have to succumb. And when you have the bravery to acknowledge that shadow within you, you've taken an almighty step to robbing it of its power. We are light and dark, truth and deceipt, bravery and cowerdice, and the only real factor is the amount to which that varies from person to person. So don't lie to yourself. Don't live in denial. Do that for too long, and the darkness will consume you whole.

Living Raw

I'm a contrary bugger. I tend to puzzle people. I don't always behave as people expect me to. This is not deliberate. I have few guiding principles which I try to live by, but generally speaking I'm happy to let life play out in real time. It's no secret that over the last few months my mind has been a funny place to inhabit. This whole reaching 50 thing has had unforseen consequences. I've been questioning whether the direction of my life is one I'm happy with, or whether I have become too accustomed to settling for less. I'm still figuring all this out, but as I do this these are the things that will guide me. One, I'm going to continue to tell the truth in every situation, irrespective of whether people find what I have to say difficult. I think commiting to try to speak truthfully is one of life's biggest challenges, but I respect those who do and I disdain those who do not. I still recall a workplace conversation I had with a girl whom I do not know particularly well. She was recounting a particular conversation and detailing how she had spoken in a way that may have made her life easier but was hugely dishonest. I loathe this. What a coward. What struck me the most was the ease in which she did it. I find nothing to respect in this. As you've guessed honesty is important to me, and when I sense someone lacks it I will give them a wide berth. The times when I have bent the facts have left me feeling unsettled, and I'm resolving to work on this. Another thing I want to address is my propensity to withdraw when I'm feeling flat or disillusioned or confused. This is particularly hard for Joy because whilst I'm rarely rude or aggressive my distance sends its own message. This a flaw in me and something I want to work on. I'm responsible for communicating what I need and I can't expect other's to have some miraculous insight that allows them to see inside my head. I also need to be honest about the things that disappoint me. I wanted being a parent to be easier, but in hindsight that was a bloody ridiculous expectation. As your kids get older be under no illusion that it gets easier. Its just that the questions change, the challenges. I love both my offspring but I do struggle with being a Dad due to my own inherent selfishness. I wanted it to get easier. It's a long way from that, and this despite both my kids being amazing in so many ways. There's some generational differences creeping in and I need to be mindful of that. As for married life Joy told gave me a mental image recently that was both helpful and depressing. We have experienced some incredible high's when we are connected and in tune with each other, and that means when that bar dips we both feel it. Joy described a rollercoaster, with life as a series of ups an downs and how we need to find some way to be accepting of that. She's right. It doesn't mean I have to like it. One long high would have been just fine. There's an aspect of my personality which is either famine or feast. I'm a man of extremes, not in terms of my temperament as this is fairly even, but more in terms of how I am feeling internally. In the back of my mind I'm concious that some members of my extended family battled with mental health, and whilst I do not think I have I'm aware that perhaps I have genes that predispose me? That's speculation, but I do carry it with me. I've dealt with numerous people through the course of my work who suffered with significant mental health. In fact I've listened to full bipolar meltdowns over the telephone, and my God its a thing to behold. Anyway, the title of this blog is "Living Raw" simply because that is what I do. This is the only way I know. I cannot file my life and my thoughts in an orderly system because that would take something from it. I am flawed in so many ways yet these are not flaws that cause me to feel guilt. In some ways these weaknesses help moderate my internal compass, remind me that I'm incomplete and that I have so much to work and reflect on. Being aware of imperfections doesn't mean you have to be defined by them. Look close enough at anything and you will see flaws. That's called being human.

To Days Long Gone, Part One

I find myself reflecting on my boyhood more and more. On the things that shaped me, guided me, inspired me. I need to get these thoughts down. A country boy from working class stock who lived in what was then council houses overlooking fields of wheat, distant trees, with a big sky always overhead. I remember two big trees in my garden, one of which was a purple beech and heavily leaf laden. I could climb one and scuttle under the other. I remember spending so much time outside on endless summer evenings beneath vivid orange and purple skies. I can still see the bats that terrified my mother flitting across the encroaching night, fast and soundless. And I can smell the tarmac and feel the heat from the roadworkers that would grit the road during the heat of the day. We would follow them through the village, enthralled by what to us were huge industrial machines. The days seemed warmer, longer, so full of adventure. I'd play a game called "Hiding from cars" with my neighbour Daryl. It wasn't too complicated, and consisted of watching cars coming from the distance and then leaping into a ditch when they rounded the corner so the driver wouldn't see us. And then there was Cindy, our old Yorkshire Terrier. An everpresent, lolloping around the garden, her hair too long but her heart so big. Funny what memories stir when you give your mind free reign. From village life we did a house swap with a couple from Winslow, so I became less of a Country boy whilst still living in a country town. Think I would have been 11 then. My two sisters were significantly older so I have no great memories of time with them. I was solitary quite a lot, which is possibly why I have grown up to become so creative in my thinking. I had to amuse myself for hours, days. There was less of a focus on parents being hands on back then so I was fed and watered and then mostly left to it. I'd spend hours building lego football stadiums, only I didn't have too much lego so I had to make a little go a long way. Whilst Dad was not hands on one of the things he would do was take me to what was then Aylesbury Odeon which was on Cambridge Street. My god I loved this, and it gave me a passion for the movies that has stayed with me. I remember those chocolate coated raisins you could buy from the confectionary stand. I always loved walking through the double doors into the immense dark space of the movie theatre. It was here my childhood imagination took off, inspired by Star Wars, by anything Spielberg conjured up, by those 70's and 80's James Bond movies. Roger Moore, you are a legend and always will be. At some point, and I don't remember when I discovered reading. Mostly movie tie-in's, which served as a platform for reading tons of science fiction. Hours I would lose in these imaginary worlds. I had friends but the memories of them dim in contrast with the stuff that really fired my mind. I even started writing, filling countless notebooks with adventure stories which were probably carbon copies of the stuff I was seeing on the big screen. Didn't matter; turns out the more you do something the better you get at it, so I read and I wrote from the moment I got home from school. Talking of school, I think it is fair to say that I was not designed for the education system. Wrong kind of bright, apparently. I think this is true of a lot of boys. My parents never pushed me or encouraged me or mentored me in any way so I developed largely based on my own impulses. Don't think too badly of them, will you? They were working class stock and products of a different time. Mum and Dad were providers. I never missed a meal and I was always well clothed. None of the clammy, clingy, obsessive parenting we see so much of today. I'm grateful. That said, I sometimes wonder if I would have achieved more had I been fortunate enough to find a mentor. Just a guiding hand, a quiet voice to nudge me on wiser paths. Please note that I could be badly misbehaved. Boredom and I do not make good bedfellows, which is to say that if you're no fun then I'll make my own, at which point you might want to stand clear because this can get messy. On reflection, I was probably allowed a little too much freedom. Nobody really put the brakes on me,or perhaps it was simply that they did not know how to? I think I'm going to stop for now. These waters run deep. These kinds of posts have no intended destination and I have no point to press home. Just ramblings really. Just me trying to trace the echo of a boyhood long since past. Yet one fondly remembered.

Cut This Bullshit Out

I am so fucking sick of this. The race baiting, the claims of racism every single time a person of colour his killed by Police. It appears that there is a certain vocal section of the planet that just see racism everywhere. Take the case of Ma’Khia Bryant, 16 year old black girl shot by police shortly after the Chauvin trial concluded. Police in Columbus took the extraordinary step of releasing bodycam footage of the incident just hours after the event. This was to get out ahead of the inevitable claims of racist police gunning down in cold blood an innocent black minor. Of course even this wasn’t quick enough because the narrative was already out there. I strongly suggest everybody watch the bodycam footage as it shows Ma’Khia holding a knife having already pushed one person to the ground before forcing another black girl against a car and raising the knife to strike. The attending Officer has seconds to react, and after issuing a verbal warning he is faced with allowing a potentially lethal stabbing to occur or shoot the person with the weapon. His actions were heroic and may well have saved a life, but no that won’t do. I mean we’re meant to believe that if we are white we must be racist. We must have some curdling hatred of people of colour which motivates us to do foul and heinous deeds. Enough. Just cut this insane bullshit out. Stop seeing racism everywhere you look and stop race baiting. It’s causing a division amongst society and the premise is built upon a falsehood. There is no white on black genocide. There is no crusade to ethnically cleanse an entire race. Legacy media such as the BBC and CNN to name but two have a moral obligation to report the news with impartiality and integrity, and they are failing again and again to come even close. And this is driving a wedge through the heart of us, and it can lead us nowhere good. I repeat again, for the umpteenth time, we need to root out racism when we encounter it but we must not conjure up racism when it is not present. Horrible organisations like BLM would have you believe that white people are the devil incarnate. That we are seeking to keep our knee on the necks of all who differ. This is a poisonous and rancid doctrine and I intend to speak out against it at every possible opportunity. I won’t be the caricature you want me to be. I won’t accept the label you ascribe me. I am a proud white man and a proud Englishman and I am for creating a world where there is opportunity and hope for all. I am sick and tired of the vitriol and the misinformation, but more than that I’m sick of people’s rank stupidity. For fuck sake learn to fact check. Don’t just accept claims like some lobotomized cretin. You need to be wiser, sharper, and a whole lot less gullible. There’s a time for anger and indignation and we all have a part to play in making society better and more diverse. But focus on the real problems because goodness knows there’s no shortage. Social deprivation, poverty, or any number of other’s. Just enough of the nonsense talk about race and racism because all we are doing is forcing ourselves further apart just at the time when we need to be doing the reverse.

Living With Uncertainty

We all have to do it. It doesn't mean you have to like it. For those whom know me you will be aware that I am a former Bible believing Christian. I was sincere, genuine, and passionate. I've written elsewhere and at length as to my reasons why I no longer hold these views so I will not repeat myself here. From time to time I keep tabs on the Christian Post website, and today saw an article about a man much like myself. A more high profile Christian whom has also walked away. I ventured a comment in support of him, acknowledging the difficulty of his path and warning him of the things he could likely expect. The response to my thoughts were fascinating. I find that there is a certain type of Christian who really struggles when a former brother or sister in Christ falls away. It triggers a defence mechanism and this can take several forms. The ugliest is the one that asserts that "They must never have been a true Christian". This is a vile observation and it typically comes from a place of ignorance. I had always thought of myself as genuine, and I hope my dear Christian friends would acknowledge this. To simply dismiss a person as being a fraud from the get go strikes me as an incredibly unkind thing to say. In contrast, there are kinder and wiser people of faith who have compassion and empathy and are willing to get alongside you. They choose a path of love and warmth. They understand that leaving a faith is an utterly traumatic and scary thing to do. They will grieve with you even though they might disagree with your choice. This is beautiful to me. This is living out your faith. Along with these examples there are the fire breathers whom threaten Hell and eternal punishment. As if the person losing faith has not considered this? This is a fear response and usually comes from those bereft of intellectual capacity. The hell fire warnings have an algorithmic quality to them and are likely views that were shoe horned into them as they were growing up. Perhaps I should be a bit more compassion with these types? But to the point of today's post. All of us, irrespective of what we do or do not believe has to accept life is an uncertain thing. A precarious thing. Possibly a finite thing. Uncertainty, to my mind, should be a reason why we reach out and be compassionate with each other. We're all in the same boat. None of us really know the future despite wishing it were otherwise. Has the last year taught us nothing? And this principle extends far beyond just issues of faith. Relationships, employment, health, wealth all fall within the grasp of uncertainty. This is just the way the world is. There is so much you and I cannot control. We'd do well to recognise this. Now whilst I do not have a faith I accept I could be wrong. And if that is so then I'm in for a very rough ride post mortem. But that's no reason to profess belief in something when none exists. And if there really is a God do you think he would not see straight through me? So as hard as it is, we just have to accept that the world comes with a lot of uncomfortable realities, and we should try to make peace with that. You are not in control. You never were. But it's ok to try to exert a little when you can. As I write this I'm still getting flack from many on the Christian Post website. It's fine. I don't blame them. People like me are a threat to the notion of certainty. I have to be real about that. But what has any of this got to do with you? Possibly nothing. Perhaps you might want to reflect upon your own need to control your environment? Perhaps you too can come to appreciate the fragility and precarious nature of being a human on a planet like this. There's a lot to go wrong. A lot of it you have no control over. That's the truth of the human condition. We think ourselves robust when we are not. One way or another life is going to have its way with us, and all we can do is choose how to live in light of this disquieting fact.

Was Jimmy Saville A Force For Good?

If you want to have a really interesting moral discussion, ask people to consider the following; “Was Jimmy Saville a force for good in the universe?” Your gut reaction will be to say no. To look in bewilderment at the person who dares to even raise the possibility. He was a vile predator who bought misery to his victims and left his survivors emotionally scarred and immiserated. His behaviour was allowed to go unchecked and unchallenged for years, largely due to the moral cowardice of those whom should have been braver. People suffered. People are still suffering. His legacy is stained and corrupted beyond salvation. Case closed, right? Not quite, as it turns out. Only you have to be able to see beyond what your raw emotions are telling you. First, some facts. Over the course of his life Saville raised in excess of £40 million for charitable causes. The National Spinal Injuries unit in Stoke Mandeville in Buckinghamshire was a frequent beneficiary of his charitable work. And elsewhere other institutions reaped the fruits of his labour. Over the course of decades thousands of people have been helped. Lives have been restored. Hopes raised. In short, if you were fortunate enough to never have met the vile creature and yet benefitted from his works, one might conclude that his existence was, if viewed in purely remote terms, a positive thing. Now your gut instinct is still feeling a bit queasy as you even contemplate this, and that’s entirely normal. Only a monster would not be disgusted by his antics. Yet the point remains, if viewed starkly from a purely cost / benefit analysis, the question of whether he was a force for good is not as easy to resolve as we might hope. And this is the way with a whole raft of vexing moral questions. Our raw emotions tell us one thing whilst our searing rationality tells us something else. We gravitate towards the simplistic, and let’s be honest, it is much easier just to ignore the whole moral ledger aspect. And that’s what makes me drawn to these kind of conundrums. The mischief of even daring to consider something that differs to what we feel we are required to feel. Should and ought must always be viewed with a degree of suspicion, by the way. This is the gateway to herd mentality, so be on your guard. But what do I think about Saville? He repulses me in every conceivable way. Yet so does the behaviour of so many who failed to act when the red flags were so evident. We’re all guilty of cowardice from time to time, but in this instance the cost of our hesitance was so steep and so profound that many should be hanging heads in shame. And yet, reflect again on all those positively impacted by the life of this creature. The money raised from his marathons, his relentless fundraising. I’m inclined to think he was likely compensating for the dark shadow within him, but whether we like it or not sometimes we find ourselves in odd moral territory. I’d argue that the life of Mr Saville is exhibit “A” in this regard.

You Have No Idea How Uninterested I Am

Perhaps its my age. I mean, I'm 50 soon. But I think I missed the memo where it says all heterosexual men are automatically interested in and drawn to women. I'm not. I mean I'm really not. In the nicest possible sense I find almost all of you entirely uninteresting. I'm more likely to be thinking about a peice of tech, or a place I want to visit, or having a beef toastie. You take up literally none of my waking hours. Thing is, according to some that's all men think about. All we obsess about. We spend every waking minute working out how we're going to find our way into your knickers. Now I'm sure your knickers are expensive and lovely, but again I have zero interest in plotting some devious path into them. You don't interest me. Nothing about you interests me. I've more compelling things on my mind. Now I expect there's a sub section of guys who do stray into those creepier realms of behaviour. Who do letch, who do objectify, and who does cause you discomfort. Me, I'm almost certainly thinking about something random I just watched on Youtube, or an issue in the news, or where I can get the best broadband deal. Of course it helps to be married, but to be honest I'd be absolutely the same if I were single. The worlds too fascinating. There's too much going on. And the truth of it is that I'm such a hermit in waiting that sometimes I don't even want to be married. I want my own bachelor pad and freedom to do what I want when I want. Come and go when I please. Not have to worry about someone's else wellbeing, or what my kids are going to do when they enter adulthood. I have a selfish, entirely unattractive seam that finds that really very compelling. I don't need anyone. I don't need a person to support me emotionally or keep me entertained or fill some gap in my life. There are no gaps to fill. Now I get that all this must sound really cold and perhaps harsh, but one of the promises I made when I started blogging was that it was going to reflect me in real time. Which is to say I may have softened by tomorrow. I'm fickle like that. When I read through some of the blogs I wrote several years ago it was mainly rage and resentment of my former Christian faith. It was ugly. It was erratic. It was unkind. I don't hide from where I'm at and I've no desire to create an image of me that doesn't reflect who I am. I'm a lot of different things. It's not always fully coherent. I often make little sense. I never claimed to. Sometimes I write because it get's everything out. It's like opening a vent from my psyche. Well today it's the version of Rob that isn't playing by the rules. It's me firing off. Me amplified. The bear with the sore head version. Anyway, I've done what I always do which is completely jump off the topic that I began writing about. That's my life in microcosm. I'm done here.

What We Can Do About The Girl Who Never Came Home.

It's everywhere. It should be. And the same old questions have re-surfaced. I don't need to go into detail about Sarah Everard, but I am going to give one man's perspective on some possible solutions. Society is a big ship, and like any large vessel it can take a while to turn. Inappropriate male behaviour towards women crosses cultures and is no respecter of skin or race or geography. Now whilst I think there have been improvements one of the main things we can do is ensure that bad behaviour is stigmatised. Run the following though experiment for me; bring to mind an example of where society has ceased to endorse a particular behaviour and now reviles it. For my example I'm going with drink driving. Back in the 60's and 70's it was not at all uncommon. I remember my Dad doing it. But through a process of stigmatisation of the behaviour we've reached a point where no sane person get's up in the morning and say's, "I really admire people who drive when pissed". So society can change, but it requires sufficient momentum and willpower and resilience. I'm going to suggest that "handsy" behaviour and disrespect of women needs to be given the same treatment. Make it so unacceptable that there's an instinctive hesitance that arises in each person who's tempted. But one word of caution; it needs to be done without so disempowering men that it creates an under current of hostility. And that won't be easy. Right now, and perhaps rightly men are being portrayed as the villians of the peace. We generally are, and it is the responsibility of every mother and father and mentor to create a circle of virtue whereby we're forging better men. We need to realign masculinity with its best qualities. We all know a good man when we see one. They don't lack masculinity and don't seek to conceal it, but they are considered and smart and able to control those base impulses. For me real masculinity is strength under control, strength smartly deployed. Self awareness and awareness of where other's might be on the map. Only here's where I'm going to get a bit controversial. Women can really help out in this. By demanding better, by making very clear what their expectations are. It isn't your responsibility but you can play a part. Mother's teach your son's. Sister's inspire your brother's. And as for us guys, let's ensure we're all being accountable to each other. When you speak about a female be respectful. If you've spent any time around me you may notice that you won't ever hear me speak about Joy in a negative way. I simply don't think it's appropriate to speak adversely about my wife as I consider this disrespectful. Any issues I have are not for public consumption. Now if I'm being honest we are never going to rid the world of the kind of men that make our skin crawl. The kind that have no self awareness, that just haven't a clue how to be around the opposite sex. Let's be honest about this. But let's be hopeful too. Things can improve. Things need to. I've felt uncomfortable reading how so many women feel they have to hold their keys, pretend they are talking on the phone, and all the other self preservation behaviours when alone in public spaces. It makes me sick to my stomach. I tend to be quite unaware of who is around me when I'm out and about, but on the back of this I've resolved to ensure I'm giving females plenty of space. If I see one ahead I'm going to slow up so they know I'm not some jackass creeping up on them. That's a small price to pay. And if you're a women and you are spending time around me you can be quite sure you have nothing to fear.

He's Not The Messiah, He's A Very Naughty Boy!

As many of you know, in a former life I was an evangelical Christian. I still like to keep tabs on what happens in this world. My go to is a website called the Christian Post, who post a variety of articles from Christian thinkers and their positions on real world events. These articles are often thought provoking and an interesting insight into the culture. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I do not. But the real fun is to be had in the comments section that follow each piece. Now I've been around the internet, and I know that there's a lot of crazy out there. But if you want to find it all in one place, then dive into these realms. You want Trump fans? Tick. You want election deniers? Tick. Covid conspiracy theorists, mask objectors, climate deniers? Tick tick tick. It is the wild west. It is the most bizarre enclave you can imagine. So naturally I spend a lot of time there. Now please note that I do not go there to troll, but I do have a tactic that I deploy. I might, for example, gently point out that Trump lost over 60 court cases, that his own Attorney General along with the FBI and local government have failed to find any evidence of fraud. I get some serious flack for that. The insults are predictable, as is the obsession with ALL CAPS and appalling grammar. These good ol' boys and girls do love a bit of Trumpty Dumpty. You'd think he was the Messiah. Any talk to the contrary results in a whirlwind of crazy. I've been labelled as an Antifa lover. I've been told to "Mind my business" more times than I can recall. I've been accused of getting my news only from CNN and refusing to acknowledge the facts. Talking of facts, if you really want to put the cat amongst the pigeons then suggest, as I have, that despite every attempt to get Trump removed, it actually took a small army of gun toting, confederate flag waving Christians to get the job done. You can be certain that it was Trump loving Christians that comprised the majority of the zombie army that blundered into the Capitol building. But when I point this out, well let's just say the results aren't pretty. It was antifa plants apparently. A leftist conspiracy, no less. When I gently invite them to watch the Youtube confessions from the hoarde directly, this results in even greater agitation. You see, what has happened is that many are so far down the rabbit hole that there is no turning back. It isn't entirely unlike lifetime Christian's who've invested body and soul into their cherished belief. I have no issue with the latter, because a person is free to hold the views they wish to hold. I may find them perplexing. I might wonder how it is these views can be reconciled with the way the world is. But most of the Christian's I know here in the UK are just lovely people. Kind, wise, warm, and considered. I expect this is true in America, but they certainly aren't the one's posting on the Christian Post. This appears to be a holding area for the deranged, for the grammatically challenged. For those whom have been bewildered and deceived into believing what many of us find absurd. What is interesting is that if you look at the profiles of some of the people who post, you see that they often hold the same suite of views. Again I refer to climate deniers, mask objectors etc. Now whilst it is amusing watching these people try to square the fact that it was Trumps base that actually destroyed him rather than his real enemies, it is also really sad. These people are reeling. The entire edifice is crumbling, and they've no enemy to point to but themselves. And what we are seeing is a sub section of people having to come to terms with this real time. They destroyed their own idol, sacrificed their own golden calf. And they did so at his command. The die was cast the moment the zombie hoarde set off in the direction of the Capitol. All fired up with conspiracy talk and a hatred of the establishment. All of them signed up to every last dismal lie that Trump ever told and which they had imbibed. An army of the credulous discharged by a conman. How did any of us think this would end? Still, there remains a part of me that hopes there's a way back for these lost souls. They are not all bad. They are just lost right now. Reeling. My nature inclines to compassion for the defeated, and there's never been a defeat so great and as self inflicted as this one. We don't have to agree with these folks. It won't hurt to show a little pity.

The Last Year And Me. . .

I hit a wall this week. I find the dark nights and the cold wet conditions wearying, and I suspect I'm prone to a little seasonal adjustment disorder. From the outside I'm just Rob being Rob. Not to be taken too seriously, blathering on about this and that. But inside I've felt different. Off. This has everything to do with the last year. Since Covid-19 came to town we've all found ourselves in a version of reality nobody could have predicted. Unable to do many of the things we previously took for granted. Waving at relatives through windows. Unable to give those who need a hug a big squeezy one. It's crushing. But I'm resilient and I usually just play the hand I'm dealt and forge ahead. I mean what other option is there? Yet I think it has taken a toll as the months have dragged on. We've had the full pandemic experience now and we're up to speed, right? Only that isn't how these things work. So many have done as I have and just taken each day as it comes. A bit of humour here, a grumble there. Just the normal stuff. But the hell with it, this is not normal. I no longer know what normal is. That particular reference point has receeded. These days I often feel fuzzy and my thoughts unclear. Having to self isolate has not helped this because I'm a guy that has to be doing, contributing. It's a kind of self medication for me. A work laptop was delivered on the final day of my shift pattern. I won't comment in detail what I thought about that because I've already made my views on this clear privately and it isn't appropriate I do so here. Suffice to say that it actually left me feeling somehow bleaker. Not being able to leave the house is crap, although I am grateful that I appear not to have been infected. It's just that we've all got this thing hovering over us right now. And we're not going to really surface until later in year during which time who knows what the cost will be? 80,000 dead, businesses destroyed. And as for the cost to people's mental health I wouldn't even want to estimate that. I fear we'll be paying back that debt for years. When things go tits up we can normally go to friends and family, which is why the pandemic has been such a cruel mistress. It takes what you love but doesn't actually remove it. Instead it just say's that everything is still there only you cannot touch it. Now I'm generally in favour of delayed gratification but fuck this. Talk about dangling a carrot! Anyway's, there's no real wisdom in this post. It's just me bleating really. Bitching about the current state of the universe. At heart I think I've probably got a softer center than I care to admit. Bit of an armadillo; hard on the outside and soft on the in. I don't like seeing people hurting and lonely and lost. I don't want to live in a world where this has become the norm rather than the exception. On a lighter note, today is the first that I have been able to hug the offspring and snog Joy for several days. I've had to make do with the dog, which isn't the ideal solution as much I adore him. Hugs matter, don't they? The proximity to another person. To feel their warmth, their humanity. If we ever took this for granted then perhaps the last year may have reminded us that we should not. Even I, who has hermit inclinations, appreciates it when somebody comes close. It must be so much harder for single people whom live alone or the recently bereaved or those still having to shield. Nothing I can say will make it easier for you. But know that if I could give you a hug I would. I hope with all my heart that within a few months we're all in a lighter place. Perhaps coinciding with the longer and warmer days. I want to hear the bustle of humanity, the clink of glasses in a pub garden, the sounds of groups of kids playing in the park. The normal things. The life enhancing things. The world we've all had to leave behind.

Are You Truly So Blind?

This is my question for those of you who really don't have any concerns about the actions of Facebook, Twitter, Google, Amazon and Apple over recent days. I am referring of course to the mass censorship of an entire Social media platform, Parler, in the wake of Trumps deranged call to arms. For the uninformed, Parler is a platform used predominantly by those who have a more right leaning political disposition. It's a haven for conspiracy theorists, Trump loyalists, and those whom would self define as conservative. I do not have a lot in common with these folks. I do not have a lot in common with the far Left either, who are more than capable of weaponised stupidity. It's fair to say that I find more extreme voices tedious irrespective of the direction they hail from, yet today I find myself defending freedom of speech yet again. I know, we've been here before. Only we haven't ever seen such a coordinated effort to silence an entire demographic. To those of you who claim that a private company can choose whom they offer a platform to I say you are in some respect correct. You are also staggering ill informed if you think that silencing voices of dissent ends well. It doesn't. How could it? And what a time to pull such a blanket move. Tensions are just below the boiling point, and society is more fractured than it has ever been. If ever we needed to reconcile it is now, yet we're awfully close to destroying any hope of this. Let's use a hypothetical example, and I conceed an imperfect one. Let's imaging that Jack Dorsey, owner of Twitter, finally decides to sell up and offloads the business to Trump Media. Indulge me, I know this isn't a likely example. Upon assuming control, the new owners decide that, as a private company, they no longer wish to allow a platform for the trans community. Men are men and women are women, and if you don't like it then go find another platform. Only then just as Twitter sells up, all the other platforms do likewise and again find themselves under the ownership of right leaning management. They too decide that the trans community are not welcome and also refuse to host voices of this kind. If it helps, substitute trans with Muslim, or Jew, or African American. Suddenly from having a platform to air your position you have none. How is that likely to leave you feeling? OK, so an absurd and unlikely example perhaps, but let's be under no illusion that millions of people have just been put in this position. Now you may find their views repugnant. They may be an example of everything you stand against. But how can we as fair minded people afford ourselves a voice yet deny it to others? And are not our existing laws around hate speech sufficient? I recognise that the owners of Parler were particularly lax and enforcing violations, but what in God's name do you expect to achieve by silencing an entire demographic? And how is that going to heal anything? It's a classic I win you lose. We've crushed the opposition. This may sit well with you but it stinks to high heaven to me. Again, are you truly ignorant of the risks here? You increase the chances of extreme behaviour because you've validated every grievance these people ever held. They suspect you wanted to shut them up and now you have. This does not feel like a victory to me. This feels knee jerk. Now there is no question that Trump by his actions deserves to be dispatched, but to extend this to all whom hold a candle for him is naivety of the most self evident kind. It cannot end well. It can only worsen an already awful situation. We live alongside people who hold views we find ghastly. That's the way the world is. But the way to defeat bad ideas is through engagement and the deployment of better one's. This takes time. And my word it takes patience. And there's never any certainty of success. But when we stop talking what does that leave? What are the other options? Spoiler alert, history has answered this many times over. In the name of reason I implore these large tech companies to weigh and measure what they are in the process of doing here. It is every bit as dangerous as what took place at the Capitol building, and over time the collateral damage will be higher. . .

Donald J Trump - A Whole New Ball Game Now

I don't typically do sequels, but today I must. What happened at the Capitol building somehow says everything and nothing at the same time. Everything, because it is the culmination of 4 years of lies, hysteria, and delusion. Nothing, because the runes have been suggesting this endgame for a while. You all know that Trump disgusts me, but what are my views on his supporters? My feelings are mixed, to be honest. For his enablers, those with whom he shares power or seek to use him to pursue their own vain ambition I have contempt. They are terrible, dark, insidious people. But what of rank and file Trump supporters? To them I feel a certain sympathy mixed with an everpresent frustration. You see, back when I was losing my evangelical faith in 2006 I came to value evidence and reason and the need to go to multiple sources for my information. It showed me that Christianity was a charade and easily dismantled. It taught me that you have to seek out the truth and never be wholly dependent on other's to provide it. This, I suspect is why so many Christian's have climbed aboard the Trump train. They here the siren song of a man who, whilst an imbecile, does have the ability to con the credulous and the charisma to pull it off. The average Christian is a trusting soul. Kind and generous, wanting to give a person the benefit of the doubt. Under normal circumstances this would be a fine quality, but when it encounters a creature such as Trump, who is good at making the right sounds and whispering the right platitudes, it does render them vulnerable. My understanding is that 82% of evangelicals carried Trump in 2016, and many remained for the 2020 vintage. They are his base, and it was those he sent in the direction of the Capitol building. Imagine having a hoarde of easily disposable followers that hang on your every word. An army of the credulous, a phalanx of well meaning fools. You may have heard the term "Useful Idiot" before? It refers to a person who tends to be in lower ranges intellectually, but sufficiently well placed to serve a purpose for those with malicious intent. Well what you saw yesterday was a hoarde of useful idiots, all fired up on the rhetoric of a chronically obese orange pied piper who had been playing them a tune that was irrisistable. He used them. They are pawns. I can find little by way of malice for them. Malice should be reserved for Trump himself. In error I once thought of him as merely a fool. Now I am quite sure he is a monster. He is a giant inverse bat signal, shinning high into the Gotham night. A warning of what happens when the unthinkable meets the succeptible. All that said, it does appear that many of his enablers have jumped ship overnight. The majority of them, in fact. Leaping from the flaming prow of the good ship "Imbecile", seeking refuge in the freezing cold waters of conventional wisdom. We should not give these individuals a free pass. We should remember that they were complicit in history. I for one am entirely fed up with the sheer amount of history we are living through right now. Covid-19 still rampant, our nation adrift from Europe. And Trump, King of the fools, finally self destructing like a firework on New Years Eve. So what do we learn from this? For me, we challenge evil, we stand against it, we never let it get comfortable. It will make a home in us if we let it and we often will not realise until the damage is done. I take some comfort from the fact that there is enough kindness and decency in the world to see us through these darkest of times. We will rise. We'll drag each other up by the bootstraps. We all share a common humanity. We need to encourage one another to be the best versions of ourselves. And as for the 45th President of the United States? He has become a footnote. Our descendents will look back in astonishment and horror at what almost happened. It was a terrible day. Tomorrow will be a better one if we can just find the courage to make it so.