On Resilience

I once wrote, in respect of our children, that if we protect them from everything we prepare them for nothing. It sounds harsh, yet I wonder if I'm onto something? I wonder whether we, and by we I mean society, has created a space that is almost too safe? This is not to say we should be seeking to terrorise our kids about the realities of existence, but I suspect the pendulum may have swung too far. For what it's worth here's my view; the universe doesn't care about you, and it owes us neither happiness or good fortune. It has no opinions on whether we flourish or not. So from that understanding what to do? Well I'd hazard that working together gives us the greatest chance of achieving something during our brief tenure here, and in order to do that it's probably a good idea if we all try to look outward. I don't know about you, but I can be really self consumed and inward looking from time to time, and I have to force myself to look beyond myself. I do try to genuinely ask how people are, and I am prepared if they don't just say fine, too. Yet despite this I'm never really far from selfishness, which is not a trait I like about myself. But back to today's central point; resilience. How can we better prepare our kids for life's oddities? Well I'm a for the real approach. I don't want to sugar coat anything, but I do want them to know that there will always be a home and a harbor for them. I also want to encourage them to be outward looking, to see others and hear them and acknowledge that as much as we'd like to we don't walk these paths alone. I have concerns that we have inadvertently placed such an emphasis on the "I" that we have neglected the "We". Perhaps that's just me projecting my own failings, and I'm certainly not the best example of altruism. I can be selfish, mean spirited, and self serving, but if I have any saving grace I'm not blind to it. I see my faults. I live them. I wish I was a better and kinder man in so many ways. On the plus side, I have chosen to engage in this inner feud each morning and compel myself to do the right thing, to be that person I aspire to. I expect I shall fail more often than I succeed, and wonder what the actual point is on my worse days. Yet deep down I know, and I'd suggest you do too, that the best way to clear the weeds is to take to them with a scythe of honest reflection. Because once we've cleared the way we can see better, and if we can see better we are usually better informed, and being better informed beats ignorance hands down. So no easy answers then. Just a daily choice, a commitment. Fuck it, I really wish there was an easier way. . .

Maybe We Should All Just Stop Shouting For A While?

It's both the title and a question. I mean, how's all this shouting, anger, ranting and noise working for you? From where I stand we're going nowhere, perhaps even backwards, and I wonder whether we've lost the simple skill of being able to listen? To listen does not mean you agree, or consent to that persons view. Just means you have enough respect to keep your mouth shut for long enough to hear what another person has to say. It costs you a few moments of your life, and assuming you've also engaged those funny shaped things on the side of your head you might even learn a little something, too. Is it really such a big ask? Apparently yes, because we as a society appear to have stopped wanting to listen. And I hate it, and it's going to produce nothing good. Whether it's the Trump train in the USA, or the leavers and remain clans, or any other rival faction we've got into this deranged habit of he who shouts loudest wins. Only this isn't how society wins. Not ultimately. Sam Harris, my intellectual hero, once remarked that no society ever destroyed itself by being too reasonable. I agree. And when we listen we aren't committed to consenting. Just making an effort to better understand. I don't see what anybody loses by doing that? And then there's this whole other thing we see emerging, cancel culture. It's when we actively try to silence the voices we do not agree with, or that challenge our own positions. God forbid. That's terrifying to me, and it should be terrifying to you. I've said so many times that freedom of expression is the cornerstone of a working society. It's the lifeblood, an engine of innovation that, if its working, makes us wiser and better informed. And we appear to be turning our backs on it. So here's my advice. Don't. Buck the trend. Invite contrary viewpoints. Hell, seek them out. See what other's think so it sharpens your own intellect. And be charitable and not begrudging. And perhaps most importantly, don't think other peoples thoughts for them. I had a guy do that to me last night and I went off like a firecracker, telling him in no uncertain terms that he shouldn't assume to know what's in my mind, or in his case claim that I didn't actually mean what I was saying. Let's give people the opportunity to express themselves. Let's allow them to breathe. You may loath what they have to say, but there's something honorable about being able to listen well. It's an art form. Simple arithmetic. Talk less, listen more. Rinse and repeat. And I bet that if you do this you'll gradually come to realise that you are the wiser for it, the richer and more rounded. Conversation is our primary means of communication, a global treasure, and we've never needed it more. So let's talk. Let's listen. And let's relate. Who knows where that will take us.

Guest Blog - From My Youngest Daughter Lowenna

Hi so this is probably an email that you don't always see, but I feel like I need to tell you something about me that is important to who I am and yet doesn't define me. At this point in time I feel more comfortable with myself and my identity.
For the past few years I have found that I am attracted to girls in a romantic way. In other terms I am gay.

The term gay is a very loose word and it doesn't feel like it completely resembles me. As a Christian I see myself as a child of God first, that does not however mean that this part of me isn't important. There is so much more to a person than their sexuality and looking back I am starting to wonder why I worried so much about it before. I shouldn't have to feel like something about me is wrong because of what society says is right. I have spent probably too much time worrying about this when I should have just loved who I was and who I can be.

Right now I am in a relationship with a girl I might have spoken about, her name is Maggie and so far, in the time that I have been with her I have been happy and felt free to voice how I was feeling. It felt normal and it was fun to be around her. One of the reasons why I wanted to tell you all that I felt like I was gay was because I didn't want to feel like I was lying to you about my relationship with Maggie. I don't like holding back on these things

The main reason as to why I felt like I was in an uncomfortable position was because of my sexuality and the controversy surrounding it. This does not mean that there is anything different about me I have just learned that there is another part of me, and that part that likes girls isn't something that I should look down on.

I am not asking for your full support, you are free and entitled to your own feelings and opinions. In all honesty I would rather that you were true to the way you felt. I just ask that you don't worry too much over it.
Some people have said to me:

"I don't think that you are really are gay, you are one of my Christian friends."

There are a few areas of this that I disagree with but that is okay it hasn't completely destroyed my relationship with them and they are still someone who I look up to and respect. Freedom of speech is so important to me. I don't want to think that because of who I like means that my family has to feel uncomfortable saying things around me. You can talk to me about it if you want or you can ask that we don't bring it up. What I am not going to promise is that I won't get hurt by some things people say, but I would rather you asked than felt like you couldn't talk to me.

All I ask is that you are honest to me and to yourself and don't hold back on what you want to say. I wrote this just after watching "Secret life of 4 year olds" and they would say anything!!

You are my family and I love you

Lowenna