A Nice Calming Cup Of Tea, Anybody?

I’m done with the meanness. I’m done with the acrimony. With the constant need to brand anybody with whom we disagree as racist, fascist, devoid of moral core. I don’t think anything good can come from constantly trying to run others into the ground. So we disagree. I get it. We have views that are polar opposites of each other. Get that, too. But we’re not chimpanzees and there’s no need to keep flinging shit at each other. Where’s that gotten us exactly?
These are the most vicious, mean, and divided times I can recall. Everybody beyond our clan is an outsider. They are all “others.” Only they’re not. They are fathers, mothers, sons and daughters. Individuals with a history and a value and who simply come from a different place on the map. Now I’m more than capable of flinging poo and I’ve done my fair share down the years. But it achieved nothing, resolved nothing, and persuaded nobody. So about that silent majority who swept Boris to power on Thursday; are they all racist and soulless and hate filled? Don’t be so daft. Some might be, to be sure, but for the most part they are just people, encumbered with flaws and crinkles. That’s what being a person is. That’s the human condition. I understand that we cannot all agree and frankly I’d dislike it if we did. Bring on the disagreement and the mental combat, but surely we can achieve this without trying to belittle and insult the other side? Oh heck, I’m under no illusion that I have the ability to change your perspective on this. Perhaps we truly are so entrenched that we are beyond unification. But if not that then how about just plain decency? Can you come that far with me? A bit of kindness, a bit of extra respect? Anybody?

Master Plan?

I haven't got one. I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not?I guess I've just come to realise that it's just as rewarding taking pleasure in the small things rather than waiting for some great over arching narrative to come together. It wasn't always this way. As a kid I was good at one thing; writing. I mean really good. So my game plan consisted in not worrying about an education, and simply going to work for my Dad's decorating business, which would allow me to use my spare time writing vast and thrilling works of fiction. Little did I realise that being good at something doesn't necessarily mean that it is going to fall into your lap. I got to learn that you could be rejected by a publisher because their lists were full, and received at least half a dozen rejection letters telling me to persevere but sadly informing that they could not move forward. And this was all before I'd reached 20. Perhaps a more committed person might have kept going. Perhaps I didn't want it badly enough. I kind of drifted for a few years beyond that, coming to the realisation that the Master Plan was in fact a bit of a cluster fuck. Yet life continues, and through a series of misadventures I seem to have reached a place where I would describe myself as broadly content. For this I'm grateful, because I don't think many people can say that. As I look back, at the aged of 48, through the passage of time it occurs to me that so many of the things that turned out really well emerged from unplanned events, random circumstances, or just plain good fortune. That's not to say I'm not good at taking opportunities, but it just reflects the fact that my road to this point has been somewhat random. And I don't know what to make of that? I'm not sure what message to take away? I still think having a plan is generally a good idea, as having somewhere to aim for provides purpose, and as humans purpose is a real driving force. I suppose I've just learned to hold things lightly, to go with the flow and make the best of things. I've succeeded in some aspects and failed in others. I've made more gaffs than I have years left to recount. But here's the thing; I just kept plodding. Just rumbled on. And as for the future? No master plan. A few ideas, a few possibilities. It's a different calculation when you're married with a family as no decision is made in isolation. That actually helps; it limits my propensity to be reckless. We seem to live in a world now that is more divided and agitated than I can ever remember, and I didn't sign up for that. So whatever I do, wherever I go, I just want to go there with good humour and kindness. I'd rather build bridges than burn them, hope rather than hate. I have an enquiring mind and I've vowed to always remain malleable. I'm not a fixed point. I don't think that's healthy, or good for growth. So as it all goes to hell in a hand basket I'm just going to drift ever forwards, ducking the missiles and grasping at every moment of happiness that presents itself. It might not be a finely honed strategy, but it has gotten me this far.

On Resilience

I once wrote, in respect of our children, that if we protect them from everything we prepare them for nothing. It sounds harsh, yet I wonder if I'm onto something? I wonder whether we, and by we I mean society, has created a space that is almost too safe? This is not to say we should be seeking to terrorise our kids about the realities of existence, but I suspect the pendulum may have swung too far. For what it's worth here's my view; the universe doesn't care about you, and it owes us neither happiness or good fortune. It has no opinions on whether we flourish or not. So from that understanding what to do? Well I'd hazard that working together gives us the greatest chance of achieving something during our brief tenure here, and in order to do that it's probably a good idea if we all try to look outward. I don't know about you, but I can be really self consumed and inward looking from time to time, and I have to force myself to look beyond myself. I do try to genuinely ask how people are, and I am prepared if they don't just say fine, too. Yet despite this I'm never really far from selfishness, which is not a trait I like about myself. But back to today's central point; resilience. How can we better prepare our kids for life's oddities? Well I'm a for the real approach. I don't want to sugar coat anything, but I do want them to know that there will always be a home and a harbor for them. I also want to encourage them to be outward looking, to see others and hear them and acknowledge that as much as we'd like to we don't walk these paths alone. I have concerns that we have inadvertently placed such an emphasis on the "I" that we have neglected the "We". Perhaps that's just me projecting my own failings, and I'm certainly not the best example of altruism. I can be selfish, mean spirited, and self serving, but if I have any saving grace I'm not blind to it. I see my faults. I live them. I wish I was a better and kinder man in so many ways. On the plus side, I have chosen to engage in this inner feud each morning and compel myself to do the right thing, to be that person I aspire to. I expect I shall fail more often than I succeed, and wonder what the actual point is on my worse days. Yet deep down I know, and I'd suggest you do too, that the best way to clear the weeds is to take to them with a scythe of honest reflection. Because once we've cleared the way we can see better, and if we can see better we are usually better informed, and being better informed beats ignorance hands down. So no easy answers then. Just a daily choice, a commitment. Fuck it, I really wish there was an easier way. . .

Maybe We Should All Just Stop Shouting For A While?

It's both the title and a question. I mean, how's all this shouting, anger, ranting and noise working for you? From where I stand we're going nowhere, perhaps even backwards, and I wonder whether we've lost the simple skill of being able to listen? To listen does not mean you agree, or consent to that persons view. Just means you have enough respect to keep your mouth shut for long enough to hear what another person has to say. It costs you a few moments of your life, and assuming you've also engaged those funny shaped things on the side of your head you might even learn a little something, too. Is it really such a big ask? Apparently yes, because we as a society appear to have stopped wanting to listen. And I hate it, and it's going to produce nothing good. Whether it's the Trump train in the USA, or the leavers and remain clans, or any other rival faction we've got into this deranged habit of he who shouts loudest wins. Only this isn't how society wins. Not ultimately. Sam Harris, my intellectual hero, once remarked that no society ever destroyed itself by being too reasonable. I agree. And when we listen we aren't committed to consenting. Just making an effort to better understand. I don't see what anybody loses by doing that? And then there's this whole other thing we see emerging, cancel culture. It's when we actively try to silence the voices we do not agree with, or that challenge our own positions. God forbid. That's terrifying to me, and it should be terrifying to you. I've said so many times that freedom of expression is the cornerstone of a working society. It's the lifeblood, an engine of innovation that, if its working, makes us wiser and better informed. And we appear to be turning our backs on it. So here's my advice. Don't. Buck the trend. Invite contrary viewpoints. Hell, seek them out. See what other's think so it sharpens your own intellect. And be charitable and not begrudging. And perhaps most importantly, don't think other peoples thoughts for them. I had a guy do that to me last night and I went off like a firecracker, telling him in no uncertain terms that he shouldn't assume to know what's in my mind, or in his case claim that I didn't actually mean what I was saying. Let's give people the opportunity to express themselves. Let's allow them to breathe. You may loath what they have to say, but there's something honorable about being able to listen well. It's an art form. Simple arithmetic. Talk less, listen more. Rinse and repeat. And I bet that if you do this you'll gradually come to realise that you are the wiser for it, the richer and more rounded. Conversation is our primary means of communication, a global treasure, and we've never needed it more. So let's talk. Let's listen. And let's relate. Who knows where that will take us.

Guest Blog - From My Youngest Daughter Lowenna

Hi so this is probably an email that you don't always see, but I feel like I need to tell you something about me that is important to who I am and yet doesn't define me. At this point in time I feel more comfortable with myself and my identity.
For the past few years I have found that I am attracted to girls in a romantic way. In other terms I am gay.

The term gay is a very loose word and it doesn't feel like it completely resembles me. As a Christian I see myself as a child of God first, that does not however mean that this part of me isn't important. There is so much more to a person than their sexuality and looking back I am starting to wonder why I worried so much about it before. I shouldn't have to feel like something about me is wrong because of what society says is right. I have spent probably too much time worrying about this when I should have just loved who I was and who I can be.

Right now I am in a relationship with a girl I might have spoken about, her name is Maggie and so far, in the time that I have been with her I have been happy and felt free to voice how I was feeling. It felt normal and it was fun to be around her. One of the reasons why I wanted to tell you all that I felt like I was gay was because I didn't want to feel like I was lying to you about my relationship with Maggie. I don't like holding back on these things

The main reason as to why I felt like I was in an uncomfortable position was because of my sexuality and the controversy surrounding it. This does not mean that there is anything different about me I have just learned that there is another part of me, and that part that likes girls isn't something that I should look down on.

I am not asking for your full support, you are free and entitled to your own feelings and opinions. In all honesty I would rather that you were true to the way you felt. I just ask that you don't worry too much over it.
Some people have said to me:

"I don't think that you are really are gay, you are one of my Christian friends."

There are a few areas of this that I disagree with but that is okay it hasn't completely destroyed my relationship with them and they are still someone who I look up to and respect. Freedom of speech is so important to me. I don't want to think that because of who I like means that my family has to feel uncomfortable saying things around me. You can talk to me about it if you want or you can ask that we don't bring it up. What I am not going to promise is that I won't get hurt by some things people say, but I would rather you asked than felt like you couldn't talk to me.

All I ask is that you are honest to me and to yourself and don't hold back on what you want to say. I wrote this just after watching "Secret life of 4 year olds" and they would say anything!!

You are my family and I love you

Lowenna

Straight Toes

It's an odd title for a blog, I know. Its just that I was having breakfast in the garden this morning, bare foot and enjoying the sunshine, when I looked down at my own feet. My toes are quite straight, in fairly good order, with no obvious defect. The relevance of this is only when I compare my feet to those of my father, whom passed away in 2007. His toes were badly bent, scrunched right over to such an extent that in order to have straightened them he would have had to have each individual toe broken and reset in the correct alignment. The reason for this is that he was raised in abject poverty, having to wear hand me down shoes, one of several children born to blue collar working class stock whom lived in the North Marston, Oving area of Buckinghamshire. Country folk, poor, having to scratch around and make do for everything. Me being me, upon reflecting on this I decided to get irritated about the whole concept of straight white privilege, this woke term thrown around by social justice warriors. They hurl it like chimps hurl excrement in the direction of anybody whom happens to be straight and white. I wonder what these fools would have made of my father whom ticked both those boxes? Could they honestly say his upbringing ascribed him privilege? I'd have liked to see them try. No, he had to fight, he had to toil, he had to do the work of an honest man for long hours as he raised his young family. His sweat ensured we never had to wear hand me down shoes, or miss a meal, or want for anything. Hard work, long hours, for year upon year, creating a painting and decorating business that was well known in the local area. He never had to advertise, people just knew who to call, a bit like the Ghostbusters. He was as far removed from privilege as it was possible to be, and his work ethic was a thing he passed on to me. I'm proud to work like a trojan, proud that I support my family, pay my taxes, do my bit for society. Does that make me privileged? Perhaps it just makes me an honest guy who wants to live his life in the right way. I don't like being placed in a box of any kind, or labelled, or told that I am this thing or that thing. I'm my own thing, and so are you. I wonder why we are so keen to do this? You know what, I've no idea why I started to write this; it was just the image of my fathers deformed toes in contrast with my British standard one's. It's an odd thing to reflect upon perhaps, but as we approach 12 years since his passing I remain grateful for the foundations he laid for me. I'm not melancholy about his death; death happens and it's a part of our life cycle. He lived his life and now he's gone, creating a space for someone else. That's the gig.

Weaponized Stupidity

We've turned stupidity into a potential weapon of mass destruction. Sometimes I think on purpose. And it gets to me more and more. Whether it's Americans in denial about Gun laws, or Trump allowing Mining conglomerates to ravage pristine Alaskan Wilderness, or our current Prime Minister taking us towards the "No Deal" abyss, it all amounts to the same thing. But it appears rampant throughout all of society, and it seems to find new manifestations as each dawn breaks. And it got me thinking about how I have come to identify the signs of ignorance in others. There's a few markers I'd like to share as they may help you in your interactions. A real red flag for me is when a person seems able to speak only of themselves, and to show no interest in the lives of others. You can probably picture someone you know, perhaps recall a specific example. The presence of two ears and one mouth is instructive here, and my advice to anybody would be to use them proportionally. On a simple level, investing a few moments in listening to others is just plain respectful, and it shows you have an interest in what is happening in their lives. If this isn't already obvious to you then perhaps you might just be one of those people to talk too much and don't listen enough. Another real trigger for me is when a person cannot see beyond their biases or deeply held beliefs and refuse to interact with ideas that challenge their way of thinking. Look no further than religion if you want to see this one at full throttle. I cannot tell you how many Christians I have met that just refuse to countenance that their view of the world is built on a fiction. I actually suspect that many know the game is up but just cannot take that step towards an honest appraisal of how the world really is. Political ideology is another classic example, the whole Left verses Right thing. The most extreme voices appear to make the most noise and get the most attention, drowning out all the sensible and reasonable one's. I refer you to the talk less, listen more principle here. It will get you a long way. Now we all make mistakes, and we always will, and we have to be accepting of this. But stupidity is failing to learn from each wrong turn, because the person that cripples most will be you. I'd suggest that viewing failure as a gift is helpful here. Use it as a launchpad to doing better, to thinking more clearly, and recognise that throughout your life there will be times when we just have to deal with the fact that we were wrong. The late and undoubtedly great Christopher Hitchens often noted that the wiser he became, the more acutely aware he also became of his own ignorance. What a wonderful, healthy, life affirming way seeing the world. That's humility. That's what I aspire to. There's so much I'm ignorant of, so many stones I have not upturned. And I'm desperate to live in a world where we all learn to think just a bit more clearly, to see beyond ourselves and accept that we are part of an incredible wider narrative. I'm sad that we now live in a world where we have weaponized stupidity, where it is almost seen as a virtue rather than something to be overcome. Perhaps we just need to step away from our own self interest, our own corners of bias, accepting that there's too much stupid in the world and we need to do something to reduce this tragic arrears.

Still A Bit Of A Tosser. . . .

Oh boy, I'm gonna' be rusty. Haven't blogged this year. Some of you may have noticed that I disappeared from social media for an extended period. A deliberate choice, something I needed to do. Step back, extricate, call it whatever you want. There's no real reason for me to return either. My life is ticking along very nicely. I am the parent of adult daughter as of June 11th this year. I've also been married to Joy for 21 years as of 23rd May. These are milestones I'm proud of, but the work isn't done. I've more to learn, more errors in my thinking to correct. More authenticity to aspire to. My life, just like your own, is a perpetual motion machine, an ever changing and fluctuating thing that we should never take for granted. And I mean never. This was bought into stark relief last December when Dawn Turvey died suddenly, knocking a lot of us sideways. She was a true original and never afraid to be different. I had some cracking conversations with her down the years, mostly at work functions. Covered religion as we were both raving atheists, and also things such as sexuality, which we nailed during a hilarious 2 hour conversation at a Carribean restaurant in Milton Keynes. Heaven knows what those around us were thinking; I knew several were attuned. They could have commented at any point but I expect they were too self conscious, which is not an affliction either Dawn nor I suffered from. Just as an aside, I really haven't changed a great deal. I still find most of the people I meet tedious and uninteresting, but that's OK because those offended by that are just the kind of people I don't want to be bothered with anyway. Win, win, as the mantra goes. And for those that know me they'll just roll their eyes at my propensity to come straight out with this kind of thing. That's probably why they put up with me. So here's the deal; feel free to take as much offence as you can muster, or just just laugh at my candour, or despise it. Matters not, in the greater scheme. We're all going the way of the Dodo some day so we may as well just have a jolly high time of it in the interim. My new favourite quote is that nobody, when on their death bed, will look up and say, "I wish I'd eaten fewer pub lunches". You could revise that in any number of ways, but the essence is the same. "Are you going to regret having too much wildly creative sex?" or denying aspects of your psyche because society indicates you should? Pro tip; don't do that. Don't be robbed of who you truly are by some unseen societal plumb line. Be that person you've always wanted to. Try to bring some happiness into the lives of others along the way. Spend time with those who matter, and less with those who do not. Be you. Be unbridled. Explore what's under the hood, seek to live in a way that's authentic and genuine and real. I'm not preaching, by the way. I don't think I'd make a very good preacher. I like reality just a little too much.
So to conclude, I'm back. And I'm still a bit of a tosser. . .