Can I Really Look Forward Without Looking Back?

Whenever I look back at old blogs two things leap out. I'm reminded that I'm good with words, and also that when I blog it is something of a release valve. When I first started recording my thoughts I was still reeling from multiple life changes. The death of my father, the starting of a new job further to a horrible conclusion to the old one, and of course my loss of faith. The 3rd of these remains the most difficult and painful process I have had to work through, because it turned everything in my life upside down. You expect parents to die, and jobs change across the course of a life, but I'd assumed that my faith would be a constant source of comfort and strength. Freddy Mercury once observed that you can be in a room full of people who love you and still feel the lonliest person in the world. This is horribly true, and as I look back I don't think I have every really healed. I'm not angry anymore, though. When I first loss my faith I was a bull in a china shop, sending fragile crockery everywhere and goring anybody who came too close. I'm not proud of that, and I did much to alienate the people I had once called friends. You see when something so fundamental shifts within your life there's no way of knowing how large the blast radius will be, or how deep the scars will gouge. As I look back I am beginning to understand that many of the changes in me were not good. I think as I get older I find myself withdrawing more and more. Find it harder to make those connections which once happened so effortlessly. I was the guy you could stick in any room and I could always find a way to strike up a rapport. I was a social labrador. Everybody's friend. Nowadays I feel a lot like an island cut off from the mainland. I can get there if I wanted but the journey feels just too hard. I've let some friendships slide and stopped making an effort, and I know I am a fool to myself for doing so. And now to the weird contradiction; I still find people fascinating and compelling. I still love to listen, to really listen, and I like to understand where other's are coming from. Yet I'm reluctant to engage too much and I'm really not too clear why? Perhaps its the residual emotional fallout from years ago, a background expectation that nothing lasts and all is transient. I mean that's all true, but I think I may have taken that too much to heart. Even as I write this I find it hard to make sense of where I actually am right now. A man of contradictions, of passions sometimes misdirected. As for core values I think those remain intact; I simply want to live my life without doing so at the expense of others. I want to learn what is true and what is not. I want to be a positive force as much as this is within my power. Heck this is a wild ramble even by my standards. Being a half decent husband and father is as good a start as any, and I think I can achieve that. Trying to be gentler in my dealings with those I find a challenge. Picking the battles that really matter and letting the inconsequential stuff slide. There is literally no part of my life that I could have scripted and any master plan I may have had has long since been lost to memory. My story just kind of unfurled, which I expect is true for many of us. Do any really closely follow the path they had in mind, or are we, as I suspect, simply blown around like flotsam on a human tide? As for the future I have only outlines of where I want to go, and I expect that'll get blown around too. Perhaps that's just the way the world is, and the real challenge for all of us is how we create something of value and meaning from the debris all around us. Fun fact, whenever I start a blog I have absolutely no idea where it is going other than a few rough ideas. It's like winding up one of those clockwork toys and then placing it down on a smooth surface. It could go anywhere. It often does. That kind of sums me up. . .

Low Quality Women

Youtube is going to get me into real trouble someday. I was watching a video and the term "Low quality women" was used. This immediately fizzed into my brain and had all the makings of an incendiary blog post, so obviously I wasn't able to resist. By the way, I can already feel your heckles rising, and don't care. Just thought I should get that bit out the way. So, pet hates of yours truly, and in no particular order, include the following. There's a certain kind of women who seems to take such delight in denigrating their partner, always speaking about them in negative terms, reducing them to simple minded avatars in desperate need of guidance. I wonder why such elite women would be remaining with such a man, as clearly they lack all the requisite ability to command your respect? Above all, whenever I hear a women talking in this way its a huge red flag because it speaks directly into their own integrity. If I had an issue with my amazing lady I would raise it with her rather than belching it into a busy office. Besides, what does it say about a women who so quickly shares deep and intimate details about the person they are sharing their life with? It's a grotesque non-quality and speaks volumes. And then there's the 1st base girl; the one who's desperate for a relationship yet entirely ill equipped to actually flourish in one because they are too busy over thinking everything. Every gesture, every word, every mannerism the poor guy makes. For goodness sake you dappy moo just chill. You need the let the fella breathe. And then we can't not mention the "Because I'm worth it" girl. You're a human being and not a bloody shampoo advert, and besides just bare in mind you might not actually be worth it. You might be easy on the eye, a fine specimen by all accounts, but you're just too wrapped up in you, and that's tedious. Oh, and a special mention to the girl who say's "All the best men are taken". No no no; they are simply avoiding you. By best men I'm assuming you mean self aware one's? Clever one's? Emotionally intelligent and all that jazz? Why would such a man come within a country mile of you? I mean what's in it for them other than the obvious? Ok, I am being mischieveous with this and I am over egging the pudding. But these creatures do exist because I have happened across them down the years. Whilst today's post is mostly done with the express intent of having a laugh, I cannot help suspect that some of you reading this might see elements of yourself. If so I'm really not sure what to say. I don't know if i've done you a favour or just made you dislike me even more. Ending on a positive, if I were to offer some thoughts on what comprises a high quality women, I would place at the top of the list integrity. The best women do absolutely come in all shapes and sizes and have a certain something about them. A presence, an elegance, a confidence that comes from within and not built upon the denigration of others. Women like that take my breath away. I remain thankful that for reasons which are entirely mysterious to me I appear to have won the lottery when it comes to my better half. And I do mean better. She's civilised me (mostly) in ways that I would not have thought possible. She has made me a better man, and that ain't easy. To conclude, I will once more return to a quote from the late and legendary Paul Newman. A good looking guy and sharp as a tack. When interviewed once he was asked whether he had ever been tempted to stray from his wife, to whom he remained happily married for many years. Bare in mind that he was a real heart throb in his prime. His response has been a guiding light to me, as he simply observed, "Why would I go out for a burger when I can have steak at home?" I have nothing to add to that. . .