Wayne Couzens - How I Choose To Respond

If you are a female, irrespective of your age, your looks, or whatever additional qualities you possess there's one thing you should know about me. I have absolutely no interest in you. There is nothing about you that draws my attention. Before you go off the deep end I should probably explain that there is a rationale behind this. I am accutely mindful of my responsibility to be an example to those around me. I decided, on the back of the whole Metoo movement that we had fallen victim to a collective bewilderment around relationships and interactions with the sexes. We appear to have lost the capacity to see each other through anything other than a murky, suspicious lens, and I want no part in this. So if I ever seem stand offish around you, or very careful about invading your personal space, it is because I want to leave you in no doubt about where you stand with me. I hate that we live in a climate of heightened anxiety where women feel unsafe walking home, and that up to 94% will confide that they have been made to feel uncomfortable by men. I honestly don't know whether this is worse than it used to be, but I could hazard a few guesses as to what might be adding to the strain. These are points for another post, though, because today is a day when we need to be thinking about girls like Sarah and Nessa and the other's that got taken from their families by predators. Whilst the percentage of such horrors is thankfully small they do shine a light on some of the wider concerns raised. We have to find a way of clearing the smog away from our interactions, of moving away from this gut rush to vilify all men for their failings and all women for theirs. And yes, ladies, you have failings too. My decision to be a bit distant is a combination of genuine concern as to how I might be perceived, but also in no small part due to a sense of self preservation. It makes sense for me to make decisions that limit the chances of misunderstanding. I'm no moral beacon but I know that as a mature male I do have some responsibility to quietly get alongside younger guys who are, in all probability, a bit befuddled by what society expects of them. Here's my advice; don't get too caught up by those who hurl around terms such as patriarchy and toxic masculinity. These are blanket terms representative of precisely nothing. When it comes to how you are around women the rules are simple. Communicate, be decent, and when rejected (and statistically you will be ) just shrug those shoulders and move on. I could get all scientific as to why women tend to be more selective than men in dating (short answer - the investment is higher for them so they need to be sure in their choices), but again now isn't the day for that. And ladies, here's what I won't be doing. I will not be apologising for the abject behaviour of other men. I wouldn't demand that of you so don't expect it of me. At the end of the day can't we all just try and be kind to each other? A bit less transactional? Maybe even try a little harder to see the intrinsic value in each other rather than just the market value. Oh fuck it, I have no idea whether you're going to get any of what I'm trying to say. And there's the problem, there are no easy answers, and those who think otherwise really aren't doing much thinking at all. Base principle for guys is not to put yourself in a position where you can be open to accusations of misunderstanding, and if I could gently encourage women to see things with a little more nuance. I refuse to defend all men. I'm not all men. I'm this man. Make what you want of that. . .

Looking Through A Fractured Lens

We appear to be in something of a pickle. We appear to spend more time trying to undermine each other rather then empower. Perhaps this has always been the case and I've not been paying attention, yet I sense things are worsening now. Full disclosure; I am a middle aged white man, so in the eyes of many Satan. Me and my ilk are, if you believe all you're told, responsible for every ailment in modern society. We are racist, mysogynist, cruel, thoughtless, and devoid of anything close to a moral compass. We're somehow at fault at all times and in all places. We're guilty to the core, unrepentant and beyond salvation. We're every pantomime villain you ever conceived of and so much more beside. We're not perfect, I grant you. In my line of work I often see men at their absolute worst. But, and this really matters, I would suggest that we're not that bad. It's Ok, I heard the audience gasp, too. Yet amidst the tyranical and cruel and unthinking males of the world exist a significant number who want to see not just themselves but others flourish. For my part, I want to do no more than live my life without doing so at the expense of other people, and if I can, along my journey, help and encourage and inspire others then that would be just fine. What I'm going to suggest is that we all need to be a little more discerning in our judgements. Not all people are alike. We need to take each individual on their merits, irrespective of gender or race or ideology. When we do that we are being fair minded. Being reasonable. Being kind, even. Yes, there are bad men out there. Women too. There are black racists, white racists, wonderful people of faith and terrible one's. Give someone chance to breathe and they might just surprise you. One word of caution however; there appears to be a bias in the media that is almost wholly agenda driven, and it is too easy to be swept up in this. The solution is simple. Expand where you get your information from, irrespective of your existing affiliations. Think outside your own box, challenge your own assumptions. More than that, have the openness to recognise that we all have plenty left to learn. And prepare to be wrong, and humble in the face of this. We are not the centre of the universe, but merely droplets of humanity amidst an ocean of existence. We might all be bobbing around in the same ocean, but the tide isn't always the same.