#amberturd

That is an actual hash tag doing the rounds on Twitter right now. It of course refers to Amber Heard and her dubious decision to leave, ahem, human fecal matter in Johnny Depps bed. You heard that right; she quite literally deposited one of her very own turds as a gift for the guy. Now I've heard that sometimes lovers sprinkle rose petals or leave small tokens of appreciation for their loved one, but this is a new take for me. She actually blamed a small dog when confronted by a bemused house maid. I confess to being tempted to google search the difference between human and canine poops but self control, for once, cautioned otherwise. without wanting to belabour this trial, to describe it as a shit show would appear to have not only a literal but also a figurative sense two it. These are two deeply flawed people who, for whatever reason, ignited each others most unpleasant traits. Nobody emerges the winner from this and the reputational harm to both parties is immeasurable. Of the two I expect Depp to come out the better. He presents as a frail and enigmatic charachter. Fame combined with a challenging upbringing has clearly morphed him into a bit of a lost soul. As for Amber, I am not sure how to asses her. There appears to be a quite tangible conflict raging within. She is an abuser, and she clearly knows how to manipulate and play to the crowd. If I'm being honest it is the false victimhood that is the most unsavoury aspect to me. She was the primary predator but presented to the world as the afflicted victim of Depps impulsive traits. As you know I loathe that victimhood is now something many aspire to in todays world. There's actually a thing known as the victim heirarchy that often gets mentioned, and it basically works thus; take an older white man like me. We are at the very bottom of the victim heirarchy due to our skin colour and privilage. Up through the heirarchy we find women, people of colour, minority groups. So if you are, for example, a black trans muslim female then you've struck gold. You are the ultimate victim material, and your currency is sky high. Am I allowed to die a little inside at the thought of this ridiculous concept? Can I gently suggest that claiming victimhood is a frankly awful way of gaining social credibility? Victims come in all shapes and forms, and there will be times in all our lives when we've had a raw deal. Might I suggest that whilst we will sometimes find ourselves the victim, living in a perpetual state of victimhood is a horrible and corrosive idea. Anyways, back to this insane trial. Amber Heard is likely never to work again in showbiz after this is done even if the case goes in her favour. I hope she can find a way to make something of her life, and more importantly address some of her less favourable traits. As for Depp I predict a renaissance, although whether this is deserved is not something I am clear about. As I check in on this trial I see a relationship so far removed from my own that I am left perplexed. Why seek to harm those we purport to love? What end does that achieve? Could a winner ever emerge? The older I get the less I understand the world. I was kinda hoping it would be the other way around

The Core Of Me

Around a quarter of a century ago i was sat in the office of my then managing director. I forget the reason why. I was asked what I wanted from my life, or a question along similar lines. I replied "I want to live my life without doing so at the expense of other people." To this day I do not know whether this was what he had been expecting to hear, but he was impressed. As I think back I am clear that nothing has changed. I do not expect to have anything handed to me, or to be given unfair advantage over others. I expect to have to work hard everyday and feel strongly that respect must be earned and never assumed. Quite why I am thinking about this today is unclear to me. Perhaps I'm just going through a reflective stage? Suffice to say that the principles I held then I still hold. They exist like a plumb line running down the centre of my life. In so many other ways I have changed however, yet I remain fiercely loyal to the importance of honesty and truth. I do not worry too much whether people actually like me, but I would hope that they know that when I speak they can expect me to be truthful. People who build a web of lies around themselves must live lives of constant anxiety. Always having to remember the narrative, always at risk of saying something which blows the whole charade wide open. No, I cannot live this way. It's corrosive from the inside out. Another thing I've been reflecting on is about those times I have been wrong. I mean there's no shortage. I expect I shall continue to be wrong about a great many things, but just so long as I'm on a path that leads me to eventually being right then I'm fine with that. I'm not one to avoid controversial issues either because I find them fascinating. These days they are sometimes referred to as 3rd rail subjects. The 3rd rail is the one in the centre of the railway line which electrocutes you should you lick it or pee on it. I do not suggest you test this theory. One thing I sense is that there is a lot of fear about controversial issues. Be critical of scams like BLM and you are racist. Dare to suggest that biological men cannot be women and you are a transphobe. Hot potatoes to be sure, but when we cower from them it empowers the zealots, and that's a road that leads nowhere good. To sum this up the message of this blog is as follows; seek to do no harm, and have no fear of being wrong, and be brave. Talking of the latter, you do realise that just talking about being brave is not actually brave. The only way to be brave is to do brave things. Just as the only way to have a clear conscience is to live truthfully and without deceit. These are not mere concepts; they are conscious choices that we all have to make. Now I'm not a wise man but this much I know. Never lose the hunger of discovery. Discovery about yourself, about others, about the way they world is. Try not to carry too much fear with you because that's baggage you just don't need. And beyond that try to enjoy the journey, which as you shall discover is so brief and so precarious. And help other's to enjoy it, too.

The Lonely Dreamer

I have recurring dreams. The details are unimportant but the theme is constant. Or should I say the feelings they evoke. Lonliness. Deep, abyssal lonliness. This might strike you as odd because I am happily married and have a good family, and its taken a while to figure out what lies at the heart of this. Before leaving the Christian faith back in 2007 I was surrounding by a large circle of friends. A community of people whom I loved and with whom I shared some of the best times of my life. When my faith began to crumble, as the avalanch of implications of what needed to be done dawned I knew very well that I would lose the overwhelming majority of these friendships. Not through acrimony, you must understand. But when a person loses faith they become a toxic brand and it is neither kind nor appropriate to remain around those who still retain those beliefs. I would be a corrosive presence, a constant reminder. It would not have been cool to hang around on the fringes like some groupie. So I didn't. I withdrew. And the grief of doing this never really left. These were the kindest and most genuine bunch of people I had ever broken bread with, to coin a Christian term. Good friends. Real friends. The very last thing I want would be to despoil their faith with the crushing doubts that had destroyed mine. So there I was, aged 36 and essentially beginning again. Those early years were a storm of conflicting emotions. I knew I had made the right decision because I could no longer bare living a lie, but an emotional chasm now existed within me and I frankly did not have the energy to start all over. And this I think is the root of these dreams. In the real world I have a happy home life, so those immediate needs are met. And I have a couple of friends with whom I connect from time to time. I have no anger towards anybody, I might add. None are deserving of it. It's just that I suspect there will always be a gap and occasionally my subconscious, through these dreams, reminds me of this. This is a weird post, I know. it's just me trying to frame what can sometimes be a confusing swirl of emotions. And what I feel surely does not compare with people who are truly alone. Those who for whatever reason are truly isolated and adrift. That must be hideous. The rock legend Freddy Mercury, whom was adored by millions, once observed that you can be in a room full of people who adore you and still feel the lonliest person in the world. I think there's something to this. It's odd, a part of me feels as if I'm not entitled to speak of this. I'm not really alone. In fact anything but. There are so many who return to empty homes after a working day, or who for reasons of health or other circumstances experience very little human contact. This is true lonliness. Im comparison I feel something of a fraud. Some people are not loved. Some go years without meaningful connection. This must be a bleak and terrible thing.