My Thoughts On Donald J Trump

I have made up a new word. Cuntocracy. It's the opposite of Democracy, and what happens when a sufficiently large number of bottom feeders achieve positions of power. The United States has been in the grip of a Cuntocracy for nearly 4 years now as I have watched on in horror. Quite how anyone can make Boris Johnson look normal is a feat in and of itself, but Donald J has managed it. Boris in contrast is conventionally inept, all rhetoric and an absence of reality. There is, I have to be clear, something about Trump that gets to me at a fundamental level. He is a despicable, disgusting conman whom has largely succeeded in beguiling a not insignificant proportion of US Citizens into thinking he cares about them. This creature is incapable of caring for anything other than its own self interest. There are actually two strands to my dismay playing out here, the 1st being my revulsion of the man himself, but a 2nd focused on just how many could have been so deceived. What happened to critical thinking? What happened to fact checking? What happened to taking heed of what one's eyes and ears are communicating? Every time this immense orange imbecile opens his mouth a puppy dies. It offends me that someone so self evidently lacking in all area's could have reached the dizzy heights of President. He is a cretin. He has the oral capability of a Zombie worm (It's a species that doesn't have a mouth, in case you were wondering), and the attention span of a Goldfish with Alzheimers. He is absent all forms of decency; depraved and malicious to an astonishing degree. I can find no redeeming quality. Of course the truth of it is that he has been utilised as a "Useful Idiot" by his Republican colleagues. So long as they massaged his ego and primed him in the correct ways he would carry out their will. At least that's how I read it. How else could so many intelligent men consent to be led by such an absurd Orangutang? And you know what? When he was first elected I simply considered him as a somewhat narcissistic idiot. I knew he would be manipulated, as this is what becomes of men such as these. He's an obvious target. What has surprised me however is his descent into something not so very far from evil. Something really dark, really dangerous. Be under no illusion that could he have stolen the election he would have. And his accolytes would have followed him. That's the really troubling element in all this. Just how humans have this propensity for deceiving and being deceived. I can totally see now how the people of Germany were beguiled by Hitler. Populism has this terrible ability to win over large numbers with relatively little effort. Just imagine for a moment if Trump did have anything close to an intellect? Ponder that. It's a terrifying prospect. Fortunately we need to have no such concerns. But what is a worry is that all over the world people seem to be becoming a bit more gullible. The UK with our Brexit insanity, some Eastern European countries with their lurch towards old fashioned strongmen. I don't know what it is going to take to get people to think about things a bit more. To weigh and measure, to be led by more than soundbytes. As I inferred, the UK has what I might refer to as a traditionally useless Government. I don't fear for Democracy over here, just for continued bad decision making. But in the United States they came mightyclose to being the subject of a coup at the hands of a blazing lunatic. Donald Trump is the king of the fools, the least impressive example of masculinity I have seen in my entire life. Surely we need to be on our guard in future? Surely a bit more attentive? When we take our car to a garage we want the best mechanic, and when we visit a GP we want the best Dr. Doesn't it stand to reason that we should have similar expectations from those we elect to lead?

Better Out Than In.

OK. Deep breath. I've concluded that it is entirely possible to love your own children whilst simultaneously disliking being a parent. I can love my wife without always liking being married. I can love my job whilst often wishing I wasn't there. That wasn't nearly as hard to admit to myself as I thought it might be. On kids, irrespective of age it's just hard work and an emotional drain. Mine are aged 16 and 19 respectively and I'm none the wiser as to how things may turn out for them. I often resent the time it takes and the barriers to freedom kids present. They just do. There's a life I want to live that is locked off from me and there are some days it is hard to be patient, or to believe that this will ever change. With marriage, well that's less of a shock because I don't know a single couple that get things right all the time. Balancing the need to build a life with the desire to fulfill dreams is just so hard. On occasion I like the idea of having my own bachelor pad where I can just be precisely who I want to be all of the time. Nobody to answer to, no mood swings and times of the month to contend with. If I sound like I'm being selfish then you'd not be wrong. I'm not trying to defend this perspective, either, but rather just venting because I know I'm not alone in this regard. Beyond that I'm not the easiest person to spend long periods with and I expect Joy has similar feelings more often than she might care to admit. But here's the thing, none of these thoughts make a person guilty of anything. Actions define who we are. Outcomes. We're free to bitch and moan about how the world could be better. I mean, if our own minds aren't a safe space then God help us all. Regarding work, I love being able to make a positive difference, but I'm there an awful lot. Things are better now we're no longer working a shift pattern that left many of us physically and mentally unwell. What a boon that is. I recall regularly doing 5 consecutive night shifts and then I'd have only two days off. Imagine that. What an immoral shit show that was, but the lessons have been learned and I'm now on an infinitely more sustainable 6 on, 4 off pattern. I cannot begin to impress upon you what a positive difference it has made. I haven't had a sick day since it came in. I get time to recover and regroup. The system acknowledges my humanity and physicality and for that I'm grateful. There's probably a bit of a theme to this post. I know much of what I say sounds hard hearted. I've had people say that I voice the things that many secretly think but never articulate. I'm not sure what I feel about that. You have a voice, haven't you? Bloody well use it and risk the consequences. As I splurge all this onto the virtual page I can feel it doing me good. Better out than in, as they say. Unless you're a flasher, in which case the reverse holds true. Sometimes I just need to let it all out and today is that day. And just to assure you; I love my kids, and I adore my wife, whom will forever be far too good for me. But I am a flawed creature. The rough edges and the contradictions are all out in the open. It is what it is. I am who I am. Here endeth the sermon.

So Why Don't They Test Anti Wrinkle Cream On Testicles?

I mean, if they can smooth those puppies out that's got to be a major sell? In other news, turns out next near I'm 50. It sounds a lot older than 49. I'm having a bit of an issue about it. It's not exactly a mid life crisis because that ship sailed years hence. It's just that there's something about this landmark that's really got my knickers in a bunch. But why now? Why at all? We're all on the same conveyor belt towards the Reaper, aren't we? I've been trying to figure it out, and the best I can do is wonder whether it might be something to do with my Dad and his Father dying at 67. Now neither lived healthy lifestyles, with both of them smoking and drinking. I do neither save for an occasional bottle of beer or a pint. Can I draw any inferences from their relatively premature demise? Is that just how long the fuse is on the male side of the family? Oh, and then there's the fact that I'm the last of the male Barnes family line. It concludes with yours truly. I've two daughters, so that's a low level extinction event. In all honesty it probably isn't any one thing that's causing this slightly raised sense of my own mortality. And the truth of it is, If I died tomorrow I'd have nothing to moan about. I have had the most incredible, enriching, thrill ride of a life. I've gone down path's I never imagined I would. Experienced all manner of people and places. There's no unfinished business. In fact quite the contrary. I'm still starving for new experiences. My mind has always been a swirling vortex of activity, sometimes to such an extent that I can run a little too hot. By this I mean I have the propensity to become obsessed about certain things; I feel the tribulations of the world so accutely that sometimes I just can't settle. At these times I have to step back, take my foot off the pedal and just focus on the simple things. Joy tends to notice these phases before I do, and the trouble is that when I'm in top gear my mind is fizzing at a thousands miles an hour. It reels away in all manner of directions as I wrestle with what's going on. But, when all is said and done I try to remind myself that none of us are really in control. We're all trapped on the same pale blue dot travelling at somewhere close to 17,000 miles per hour. Just think about that for a second. As you sit reading this you're travelling through space at an insane speed. We kid ourselves when we think we're really in control of anything. We're all just clinging on. Whether I like it or not next March I hit that milestone. I pass the threshold into a new decade. What will it bring? I hope we can finally find a place in the country. I ache for country life. Really ache. I want to wake up to birdsong and the breeze as the ambient sound rather than the crash of bins or a Police siren. I need the tranquility because in that I find a balance and a peace that I cannot find elsewhere. The natural world becalms me. Sooths my soul. Somehow helps me to register that I'm part of something more. Something astonishing. A dance that's been ongoing for several billion years. And it will continue when I'm gone, this great serenade we refer to as existence. All around us, all the time. In so many ways we're so very small and inconsequential, yet in another sense we're immense. We're part of the great human story, and the human story part of nature's story, and nature's story part of Earth's story, and Earth's story part of a Universe so vast and ancient that it defies all contemplation. When I think about things like that, turning 50 doesn't seem so bad.

The Superpower Within Us All

It isn't X-ray vision, or laser bolts from the eyes. Or Strength, or flight, or any of those things that the Marvel Cinematic Universe would have you believe. It's actually forgiveness. You're possibly wondering where I'm going with this, but bare with me. It seems to me that today we're so very quick to cast judgement. Quicker still to condemn. It's easy and it has an immediacy to it, but it's so hugely destructive. For a moment I'd like you to close your eyes and bring to mind the person in the world with whom you have the most issues. Perhaps they have wronged you, hurt you, humilated and discarded you? The wound runs deep and it has been carved into your soul. You may find yourself thinking about them and at once a whole raft of negativity comes along for the ride. Or perhaps it isn't a person but rather something within the world that causes you so much inner turmoil? Something that grates on you? Gives an instictive feeling of despisal. A political party? Climate Change? Negativity towards something dear to you? The subject of the hatred is not the issue, but the cost and consequence to you is. You may spend years unable to shirk the hate and revulsion, clinging on to it, feeling it spike whenever a name is mentioned or an issue raised in the news. Its like a trigger. Those same old inner sensations cascade in and sometimes stay with you for the rest of the day. I'm going to ask you to ask yourself a simple question. How's that working out for you? Does it give you peace? Does it empower you? Get you through the day? If you answered yes to any of those I'm going to suggest you're not in a good place. Whilst hard, letting go of a grievance is essential if you want to move on. Sure you can carry it through your life, but it's an extra weight that you don't have to. I know what you're thinking right now. Condescending bastard. Who is he to preach? If that's your angle you should stop reading because there's nothing here for you. I'm appealing to those who have reached the point where they know, deep down, that the time has come to change. That restlessness you feel, the disquiet; it's time to shed that skin. Assuming you're still with me then the next obvious question is how the hell do I clear that hurdle? That's fair enough. And the honest answer is that you choose to. I mean every meaningful life change starts with a choice, doesn't it? I'm going to quit the drink. I'm going to stop letting that fear cripple me. I'm not going to let that ex-boyfriend or girlfriend use me or tacitly control me any more. You have to choose, because that's when you start to weild the power. The rest, for me at least is self awareness. I can say with some confidence that I have no hatred for anybody. There are people I choose to limit my interaction with, but even then I bare no malice. Those people who've left scars on me are just people afterall. Got their own issues, their own grievances. Oddly, those same grievances are often the cause of behaviour that alienates and disempowers them, too. No mystery to that really, I suppose. All I'm really saying here is that when you choose the path of forgiveness the person you liberate above all other's is you. You've lessened your own burden. You are free to fill that space with something better, something positive, something empowering. And know this, none of us have any real control over what other's say or do. You can only moderate your own responses, so do that. And when you notice those negative feelings rising, or the same old sense of loathing, allow a momemnt to acknowledge it, let it surface but then make a choice to move on. That way you haven't denied the reality of the pain, but you have taken mastery over it and put it in its place. You will have to choose to do this every time, and it may take awhile, but I suspect you will begin to notice that at some point when these sensations arise they don't carry quite the same weight. The discomfort is not as great, the duration reduced. It's all a process and there's no magic bullet. I can only suggest that you test this thesis and see if there's anything there for you. None of what I've said here is revolutionary. Great philosophers have been pressing this point for millenia, long before the likes of Jesus or others. So that's it really. That's the super power. You might be venturing a sigh of disappointment that I couldn't muster anything more immediate. Know what, perhaps is isn't even the forgiveness itself that it the real power? Perhaps it is, when all is said and done, merely the simple choice. . . .

I Wish I'd Done This Better

People who've been reading this blog for years will know that in another life I was an Evangelical Christian. Bible believing, baptised as an adult, a genuine seeker after truth. You'll know also how I changed and morphed into a somewhat hostile atheist. It was a neccesary process, but I conducted myself terribly during the early years post deconversion. I was mean. I was hostile. I lacked respect. I openly mocked those who remained in the faith. I offer no defence for my behaviour. It was abject and unkind and, on reflection, unneccesary. For this, and to those whom I caused pain, I am truly sorry. In 2006 and 2007 my life was not in great shape. I was suffering from work related stress, whilst battling with the loss of my faith which had been the cornerstone of my life. In early 2007 I also learned my father was terminally ill with cancer. Yet being the person I am I just kept going. Trying to find a way through. My faith had given me a good life; friends, community, a wife and children. It had also been a lens through which I saw the world, so when it broke it's fair to say everything else broke with it. My then place of work was increasingly tedious and demoralising, and I was having to do work that was far below what I was I capable of. For those whom know me, you'll likely know that boredom is Kryptonite to me. It kills me, weakens me. I have to be engaged with what I'm doing. This resulted in what I later identified as the previously mentioned stress, a kind of depression and lethargy and absence of vision. The world became dim and foggy, Monday to Friday was a desperate time. God knows how Joy dealt with seeing her husband change from a confident and infuriatingly positive fella into Eeeyore. That she kept faith in me when I deserved none remains a minor miracle. But I digress. Long story short, there was a period of time, perhaps measurable over years, that I was not fun to be around. I was hostile, negative, quick to demean. Three qualities which I found unattractive in others I was now manifesting myself. Talk about a wake up call. All of this is to say that I look back and regret the person that I allowed myself to become. You'll note usage of the term, "Allowed to", because I'm a man that likes to own his shit. And it was my shit. I can blame life's events, wail at the universe, and even acknowlege the perfect storm of misfortune that I encountered, but I won't do it. My choices, my bad choices, will be forever mine. If I have learned anything it is that projecting a problem achieves nothing other than to worsen it, so if its all the same to you I'll take responsibility for the person I was. To say time is a healer, whilst a bit trite, is nontheless true. With time comes perspective, the chance to reflect, and to take the important lessons from each experience. My decision to leave Christianity remains correct because I no longer believed in it. My decision to take such a hostile approach to it remains foolish and self defeating. I hurt other's, I ridiculed and belittled them. And for why? Because I couldn't cope with how my life was panning out. So no excuses from me. I might not have been the author of my own downfall but I did enough proof reading to understand what was going on. So why do I chose today to write about this time period again? Well I've just finished listening to the audiobook of Jordan Petersons 12 Rules For Life. At the core of the text is him extolling us to get our houses in order. To look honestly and openly at every area of our life and see where the deceipt lies. Because there will be deceipt. We deceive ourselves all the time. Be grateful if you're not very good at it because then this fact comes into the open sooner rather than later. Today I have no pearls of wisdom to share. This is me acknowledging my shortcomings, articulating them. Laying them bare. I've never wanted to deceive myself or other's but I have done. I may do so again if I'm not on my guard. Consider this blog as my apology to those whom fell foul of my anger, of my lashing out at my personal circumstances. I should have been wiser. I should have shown more poise. I did not, and that's on me.

Changes Down The Years

I've noticed something about myself over the last few years. It's kind of dawned slowly, but I've noticed a change. To put simply, very few people cause me issues. Nobody tries to intimidate me, push me around, or gain superiority. I mean never. Yet it wasn't always this way. And I'm kind of baffled as to how this change has come about? I'm a fairly gentle spirit in most respects. I don't seek to bully or dominate others. It's not important where I sit in the pecking order, whatever that last bit means. I suppose I'm plain speaking, and I know I enjoy a bit of verbal back and forth, and I never stay quiet about the things that really matter to me. So what's changed? Am I just more comfortable in my own skin, less interested in how I'm perceived? Or just unable to perceive when people are trying it on? As it happens, when I'm out in public I deliberately walk with my shoulders back and stand up straight, but that's because being slouched means that you're more likely to be a target. And I've even tested this out multiple times whenever I find myself in proximity to a group of rowdy younger lads. Shoulders back, don't avoid eye contact, head held up. I think it might give off some kind of signal perhaps, because I've never had any snark or abuse. Am I more confident these days? Dunno. Does being less bothered what people think amount to the same thing? I'm not blind to my flaws, but I'm honest about my strengths, too. I speak out when it matters, I stand up for my core principles. I'm not looking for applause or appreciation, or to attract the attention of other's. I'm starting to wonder whether I should now officially diagnose myself as being comfortable in my own skin? OK with who I am, where I'm at? That's not to say I'm not still open to new experiences. I love engaging with new ideas and passions and taking steps into uncharted territory. It's just I've enough sense of accomplishment behind me to understand that no single thing can or will ever define me. Whilst I speak quite well I'm actually a product of the working class. Hard working parents, who themselves came from parents that flirted with poverty. For all my faults I've always known that nothing comes without hard work. In fact if I was going to give one peice of advice it would be thus; Work hard, carry your share of the load. Never let other's lift what you can lift yourself. I left school with no qualifications and no hope, spending years in the building trade before coming to realise I was dying inside. I recall my very last day in the business. It ended with a confrontation with the guy who I was working for. The argument was probably over nothing, but at some point he decided it would be smart to issue the following challenge; "So if I told you to fuck off now where would that leave you?". A bit of back and forth followed, but he was basically calling my bluff. I recall putting my paint brush down, walking past him, and then walking all the way home from Buckingham to Winslow. I never returned to the building trade in any formal capacity. I'm not sure whether it was an act of abject stupidity, or stupidly brave. Somewhere between the two, truth be told. Plenty followed, but to cut a very long story short and through a combination of luck and graft I ended up working for a world leading electronics company, even setting up a department dedicated to new business, a model that was embraced by similar franchises across the globe. I spent 12 years making a lot of chronically obese Germans very wealthy before once again circumstances led me to a crossroads. And again it was good old fashioned hard work, trustworthiness, and resilience that got me there. I could go on but the point is already made. Never be afraid to take big decisions, trust in your own ability, earn the respect of those alongside you. It's a heck of a currency. Don't act entitled. That just means you're a wanker. Nobody likes somebody who acts like the world owes you something. It doesn't. The world doesn't care whether you succeed or fail, so it's down to you to sort that out. By the way, I have absolutely no idea why I started writing this, but you don't care do you? I guess what I'm trying to say is that you get out what you put in if you're lucky. All you can give is your best, and I've found that by doing so a little can go a very long way. And don't be afraid to get it wrong or fail outright, because that's learning in its rawest form. In fact there's nothing that can't be learned from if you let it teach you. Life isn't fixed, so you can't be fixed, either. Be open to surprises, be flexible your perspective. And know that you will be wrong about a great many things, which is fine just so long as you have the integrity to want to be right in the end.

There's An Awful Lot Of Cowards Out There

You have been silenced, haven't you? The narrative is all one way, and the mob have spoken. If you do not step in line then trouble's coming your way. I'm really glad I do not live in America, because I think I'd be in trouble due to my outspoken condemnation of Black Lives Matter. A week or so back, during a casual lunch time conversation, somebody mentioned that I was brave for speaking so plainly. I let it pass at the time, but when I thought about it I wondered why? I mean why is it brave to speak honestly about facts? To condemn mob rule? wide spread disorder? Looting, violence, bullying? This isn't bravery, it's neccessity. So why aren't you speaking up? What are you afraid of? I'm going to speculate. In some cases I think there is some fear, perhaps legitimately held, that employers will take a dim view. That the person with an opinion will somehow be bringing an organisation into disrepute. Whilst I understand this, might I argue that the more people who condemn this insanity, the harder it becomes for employers to take such an approach. You don't have to be rude, or racist, or inflammatory. You just have to say that in the face of these insane social justice bully boy tactics you will stay true to your values. You won't be cowed by a mob of ill informed fools who aren't willing to actually accrue the facts before embarking upon their ludicrous crusade. We must NEVER give in to the mob. We must NEVER be silenced by fear. This is how fascism rises to power, on the shoulders of complicit silence. So you'd rather play it safe, stay mute despite having some agreement with me? I get it. I don't particularly respect it, though. I'd argue that it is, in the long term, a kind of self harm. You have a voice. You are allowed to use it. And I do think we are reaching a tipping point when we have to take a peaceful stand. Concerning racism, Martin Luther King's monumental words 18 steps from the top of the Lincoln Memorial are the definitive words on racism. He implored us to judge a person by the content of their charachter rather than by the colour of their skin. Yet what are we doing today? Everything is seen through the lens of identity politics. We're segregating ourselves into tribes. And newsflash people; tribes end up in conflict. We should be going in the opposite direction, seeking to bring people under a common umbrella of humanity. A place where skin colour is as meaningless as hair colour, where we seek to embrace rather than reject. Nothing good comes from seperating into disparate groups, as it leads to distrust, misunderstanding, lack of empathy. And as always, and I cannot believe I need to be saying this, but take the time to check the facts, or if uncertain be sure you make clear that you continue to await more information. With this latest killing of a black man that is precisely what the mob failed to do. And what is worse is how the media embarks on a feeding frenzy and fans the flames of discord. Sometimes I wonder where all the honest journalism has gone. The BBC are a disgrace, whilst the likes of CNN and Vox are so agenda driven they have long since cast truth into a shallow grave. One remarkable example was caught yesterday. CNN were running a peice on the shooting and there was a banner running along the bottom of the screen describing how "Violent protests" were taking place. About 20 seconds into the segment the banner was removed, and then returned with the word "Violent" removed. So it seems they tried honest journalism for a few moments before somebody pointed out the mistake. So taking everything I've said into account, can I gently encourage you to stand up for what you believe? Can I plead with you to live out your values? I reject BLM because I think they are capricous bullies, and that their agenda is violent and disruptive. And I can say all of this and not be a racist. I hate racism. It's stupidity squared. We should expunge it from society as soon as we can. But if you think destroying communities, bullying innocent members of the public, and outright refusing to ackowledge brute facts is the way to go about this then you and I have no common ground.

On Relationships

I spend a lot of time thinking about relationships, I'm still learning. I don't always get it right. But when I think about what makes them work I think I have a few ideas. I'm quietly confident that there's a need to "Dial in" to what makes the other person tick. What causes them to feel empowered, valued, heard, enriched? In so many ways this is an ongoing project, because of course people change, and often in ways you may not have forseen, or sometimes the circumstances within the relationship change, with outside pressures conspiring to make connection just that bit more of a challenge. When I say "Dial in", I mean no more than to show a willingness to engage with what your partner needs in order to flourish. Again this may change from time to time, but I think a willingness on our part to commit to the concept says alot about a person. Also, it isn't wholly down to you, because of course the other person has primary responsibility to ensure they are aspiring to be the best version of themselves. It can never be your job to "fix" another person. We can only do so much at the end of the day, but that's as it should be. For me I want to learn where I'm going wrong, where I could be doing better, and that requires some discomfort from time to time. I'm so fortunate to be married to a women who will be honest with me, and under the right circumstances forthright about it. Recently we had one of those conversations which just flowed naturally from a place of trust. I was able to ask what I could be doing better, and I was privilaged to receive honest feedback. That enables me to know where I might not be dialling in well, and gives me time to reflect and then commit to do better. I have to climb over my own ego to get there but that's not a big price to pay. I want a great marriage built on rock solid foundations. A marriage that is cool at any given time, but also like a stream, able to break around the rocks and continue to new places. And rivers do need to flow otherwise they become stagnant and overgrown, and who'd want to swim in those waters? Changing tact slightly, I often hear young single people say things like "I have high standards" or "I'm too picky." Now this sounds great in principle, yet I actually regard it as a bit of a red flag, and for the following reasons. I think the best connections occur when people bounce off each other in a natural and easy way, and I have concerns that when we're too rigid with our initial expectations we potentially create some unneccesarily uncomfortable hoops for others to jump through. When you're in a new relationship you are at the beginning of a journey, the start of a tale, and the very best tales grow in the telling. So by all means have high standards, but do let the other person breath lest you want to choke the life out of the relationship before it gets a chance to flourish. Now you might be reading this and rolling your eyes and thinking, "What does he know?", "What entitles Rob to say all this?" And of course that's fair comment. I've no particular expertise, unless learning by my failings counts as expertise. It's just that's its 0530 on a Saturday morning and I can't sleep, and I had all these thoughts just fizzing around. Do what you want with anything I've suggested. None of it is neccessarily correct or useful. You get to decide what bits to take onboard and what to throw away. I'm just a middle aged fella who's slightly past his best who has a mind that loves engaging with the things that really matter. And relationships really matter. We agree on that part, right?

That Time We Took The "Social" Out Of "Media"

So about my Facebook page. It's a bit barmy, a bit random, and sometimes a bit inflammatory. I don't typically pick my words too carefully, and there's a reason for this. For me Facebook is a repository for where I'm at "In the moment" so to speak. It isn't meant to be a finely crafted thing, or a taut analysis of everything that's happening. It's how I'm feeling and thinking there and then. Amused, incensed, befuddled. It isn't about you. It's not me trying to educate you. I'm not your parent so fuck off and do that yourself. If you read some of the articles I post then fine. If you don't then why would I care? What Facebook isn't, or what it was never intended to be for me was a finely crafted PR excercise. It isn't meant to be that because I'm not that. Are you beginning to understand? Sometimes I get private messages from people who've been triggered by something I have posted, or prompted to come at things at a different angle. OK fine, but again, your response, visceral or otherwise, is not my motivation. I like to capture my impulses and virtually bottle them so I can, if I want, revisit them. I can see where my thinking has evolved, how my views have ebbed. As you'll note I have flurries of attention. So do you, by the way, but you're likely less overt. I never wanted to create art here; I just wanted to chart my own travels. It isn't meant to be tidy, or considered, or polished so none of the cracks show. My positions have flaws; you really think I'm ignorant about that? Wow, you probably wanted to check your propensity for self elevation. If I make you laugh then good. If I make you think then better. If I irk you or make you grumble or shake your head in disbelief all fine. Oh, and if I "Offend" you, then be aware that your capacity to be offended is your own concern. I'm aware "Offence" has now become weaponised; something used to silence and surpress, which is why I consider it all the more important to speak as plainly as I can. I'm fortunate insofar that I have a good understanding of where the line is in terms of what I can and cannot say. I have had cause to explain it to others in the past. I find it a bit awkward being in a room when somebody challenges something I have posted or said, bacause then I have to talk them through principles of free speech, which normally deconstructs their concerns but can leave both of us feeling a bit odd. Nobody likes having error pointed out to them, but it is the case that many who are critical actually lack a core understanding. Abbreviated version; Facts do not care about your feelings. They just don't. So if I post data that dissolves a position you hold dear then you claiming "Offence" is not the smartest card to play. Get better facts. If was ever openly racist or homophobic or indulging in hate speech that would be a very different thing, and there are good laws already in place to protect us. For what it's worth I'm none of those things, but this is where my contrary nature can often confuse. I'm quick to go after positions I think are flawed. For example, when movedments like #Metoo or Black Lives Matter morph from wonderful concepts into battering rams that cause harm to the innocent. I wonder how many good and decent Law enorcement officers feels bullied and belittled right now? How many good and decent men caught up in the overblown claims of rape culture or systematic abuse of women? Just to drive it home, there is no evidence of systemic racism, and not all men are rape machines. That said, we all need to create a fair and just society and root out genuine racism and predatory behaviour where we see it. The fewer racists and sexual predators in the world, the better, right? These movements have good motivations, but how many times have they been hijacked by bad actors? That's perhaps one of the saddest aspects for me. How we take something good and then turn it into something cancerous. It's almost as if there's some force that seeks to pull us away from being the noblest, kindest, wisest versions of ourselves. But now to the crunch, that's a trait inside the vast majority of humans who have ever walked and talked and dribbled. Do yourself a favour and don't project it. It isn't the Devil, or your upbringing, it's IN you and it is FOR you to address.

Some Thoughts On Cancel Culture

It's a really fucking stupid idea.
I could end right there. Only then I wouldn't get to annoy people nearly as much as I want to, so I'll plough on. So you dislike a position that someone holds, or a tweet they sent two decades ago, or a statue? Cancel them, tear it down. Drain the swamp. Only that isn't what actually happens. See, the vast majority of the country, whilst socially liberal, are actually all about freedom of expression. So when you try to tell us what to think, how to think, or suggest that some ideas are above critisism you just make a large silent majority think you are a bit of a dolt. And when you get up in our faces and try to shout us down, whilst you might think you've won a mighty victory, all you've actually ensured is that people vote heavily against everything you stand for at the voting booth. I mean how many people voted FOR Boris? I expect you'll actually discover they actually voted AGAINST Labour. I expect a lot of people vote against rather than for. I mean I haven't voted FOR anybody since the mid 1990's. So when the loudest voices try to silence you, or drown you out, or ban you outright from the discourse, I'm all for allowing them their moment in the sun. Play the long game people. Wait until you're at the ballot box then take the biggest shit possible on their ideology. You don't need to argue with people who would seek to deny you the chance to do so. Just keep living your values, being true to who you are, and use what power you have during the battles that actually matter. Talking of being shouted down, the last few weeks have been amazing for that. I doesn't matter that the statistics, when viewed impassively, make a mockery of the whole systemic racism narrative. It doesn't matter that all the data we have roundly destroys everything that Black Lives Matter claims. It's not about the facts, it's about the amount of noise you can make; how offended you claim to be. Who needs knowledge when emotionalism will do? I could sit down in a room today and within 90 seconds reduce some of the claims being made to rubble by simply referring to data supported by leading black intellectuals, but I probably wouldn't get beyond 15 seconds without some deranged social justice warrior berating me for having the temerity to speak in the language of facts. It just doesn't appear to be the done thing. You may have noticed that I have very deliberatly spoken out against the tide of lunacy we've been encountering. I refuse to be a sheep, to tow a line dicated by other's based on a fundamental misunderstanding of the core dynamics. Be outraged with me should you wish. Your outrage carries no weight. If you seek to pursuade me of the errors in my thinking I will gladly sit down and break bread with you. But we'll engage as equals, and in a spirit of enquiry, and an openess to change our perspectives based on new information. And I can be pursuaded. Case example; as the father of a gender fluid daughter I have had to work hard to understand the differences between sex and gender, and to understand why the Trans community are so impassioned about this distinction. I've read opposing views, listened to video's, and my understanding has shifted. This is why the exchange of ideas and information is so critical, such a fundamental building block in the great scheme of building a fair and just society. That's not to say passion is redundant, but passion alone isn't enough. Worse, it can lead to bias, confusion, greater ignorance. Do any of you think that's a good idea? So to me the route ahead, whilst full of complexity, will only be safely charted when open minded people engage each other in an environment where identity politics can play no part. Where the goal is to accrue knowledge, exchange ideas, and whittle out the good from the bad. It's either that or more of the same, and I don't want more of the same. There's this saying that a rising tide lifts all boats, which is to say that we need to create conditions in which the greatest many can flourish to the greatest extent. Us versus them isn't going to realise that dream. No amount of chest beating or muddled logic. But openness and bravery, both of which are choices we are required to make on a daily basis, just might.

What Happened To George Floyd Was Bad. But Don't Think For A Second He Was Good.

OK, here we go. Here’s my take on the last few days and the spill-over from the latest unjustified killing of a black man. So we all agree that what happened was bad, and that justice needs to be seen to be done, and that this is a time for reflection. I don’t think I’ve seen a great deal of controversy about that. Yet suddenly we are all institutionally racist, all needing to check our white privilege and self-loath to a sufficiently deep degree otherwise we are guilty of not treating the moment with due deference.
Which is stupid. And whilst we’re at it, George Floyd should not be treated or revered as a Martyr any more than Sweeney Todd lauded as a barber. If you doubt this then you clearly haven’t seen his criminal record. Might I suggest that any person who deceives his way into the home of a young pregnant black women, points a firearm at her belly, and then gets an accomplice to watch over her as he and his cohorts turn the joint over is probably some distance short of meeting the criteria for Sainthood. He was not a good man and he most certainly was not a role model.
So what to do at times such as this? Well showing kindness would be a good start. And should you wish to protest do so peacefully. None of this downplays the need to explore the socio economic conditions that may compel young men of colour into lives of crime, and thus hugely increases the risk of them encountering the kind of Neanderthals that had him under arrest and whose brute ignorance caused his death. There are problems to address, scales to balance, and injustices to overcome. These will be achieved when we as individuals start looking more closely at the things which unite us rather than that which divides. When we look at each in a way that see’s beyond skin pigmentation and instead into the content of our character. But that seems not to be the way society wants to go. We want to create our enclaves, our dominions, and play identity politics. If you really want to make a society better we should resist this. Retreating into cults now is going to make things a shed load worse. How could it not? We need to be brave enough to engage with alternative perspectives, listen to voices that don’t echo our own. And even then that’s only half the battle. There are rarely truly simple solutions in this world, but the complexity is a bit less daunting when we all go into the arena with a spirit of openness and engagement. I hate what happened to George Floyd. I also disapprove that we have elevated him way beyond what his life choices merited. All any of us can choose to do now is listen, learn, and reflect. And pro tip; do that before you start flouting your own opinions. And you don’t have to self-loath or grovel to demonstrate that you are against racism and for equality, either. You have every right to be proud of who you are irrespective of your colour or your culture. Don’t buy into this deranged woke narrative. That’s a rabbit hole that leads to lunacy and derangement.

It Probably Won't But It Really Could

The title basically covers my whole strategy towards Covid 19. I am in my late 40’s male, and with no underlying health conditions. So if I become one of the many to acquire our recently discovered pathogen there’s a good chance I would get through. But, and here’s the thing, the virus is already known to have mutated over 30 different times since it came to our attention, which makes me realise if I take anything for granted I would be a fool. Yet, we’ve all seen people doing just that. Have you seen these Stateside protests over the infringement of civil liberties? Traffic jamming highways and the demands that the lockdown be lifted? Isn’t it odd that many of those waving placards and leaning out of cars are chronically obese and likely to have a variety of related health conditions? You’d kind of think they would be erring on the side of caution? But no, freedom trumps all. Freedom at any cost.

Any cost? You sure about that, buddy? And cost to who? Yourself, the others you may infect? Surely there is a calculus we are required to make during these times? We’re all walking a road we’ve not had to before. It’s sometimes weird, frequently surreal, and the target keeps moving. And we’re also a bit quick to be critical of the experts, the scientists who are doing, as far as I can tell, the best they can to manage the variables in play here. Now you know me well enough to know that I’m no sheep. I can kick up a stink with the best of them. But you’ll notice I’ve fallen in line to a disturbing degree here. It’s because this isn’t just my battle to lose. If I fuck things up there’s a potential cost to family, to colleagues, to people I may never meet. Now, more than ever before we have to think beyond ourselves. We have to make sacrifices based on the greater good, on limiting the potential harm. Your enemy is my enemy, and it has crossed social and political divides in a way nothing else ever has. So sure, we can bitch about our leaders, about the lack of this or the failure to foresee that. I hear you, but I think that a gentleness and a willingness to take, dare I suggest it, a herd approach, might serve everybody’s interest right now?

On a personal level I’m doing fine. I have not missed a day’s work, and I appreciate how fortunate that makes me. I have not been fired, furloughed, or placed on reserve. I remain glad. I’m better off in the midst of the shit storm rather than chirping away at the edges. And when this is all done, and it will be at some point in the future, perhaps we can remember what we learned? That kindness trumps cruelty, compassion trumps contempt. That essential workers don’t work in the stock exchange or media studies, but in Supermarkets and hospitals. They drive vans, they deliver essentials to vulnerable people, or patrol the streets to ensure we’re all being as wise as we can be. One thing I’m really glad of is that I get to go home to my wife and my two daughters, and I value that all the more in the knowledge that many are currently alone and having to be apart from the things that make them whole. To you guys just know that I am thinking of you. I know it’s hard. Everything we took for granted has been upended, and we’re all having to walk a different way. This time will pass, the morning will come, and we will emerge changed and, perhaps, a little more whole? Perhaps if nothing else, we will be able to recalibrate our minds and learn to truly appreciate the fundamentals; relationship, connection, interaction.

Keep on trucking Earthlings. We’re going to be OK.

A World Gone Mute

It is ten PM. Joy and I have just finished watching the The Good Fight on Netflix. I have gone outside to let the dog out. On a normal night I would hear a lot of ambient sound. Vehicles passing on the main road, perhaps some raised voices, or the sound of an aircraft overhead. Tonight there was nothing. A wall of silence, punctuated by a single vehicle engine towards the end. The dog dutifully squeezed out a wee then trots back inside and awaits its end of day treat. Perhaps I should allow myself a similar goody whenever I've urinated? I mean fairs fair?. I digress. Next thing I head upstairs to say goodnight to the offspring. Holly is already fast asleep so I do not trouble her. Lowenna, or Leo as she likes to be called these days is still sat in bed with her laptop and phone illuminating her features. Teenage is as teenage does. I tell them about the silence, and true to form she's up and scooting downstairs to experience the moment. So we both head out into the garden, this time leaving the mutt indoors. Again there is a deathly quiet, although not total this time. We are stood beside each other, and I point out that it is important to remember that we are living through history. One day she may tell her kids, perhaps her Grandchildren about this. I think she understood. I wonder what the younger generation is really making of these times? As a parent I am being largely fact based. In all likelihood a close encounter with Covid 19 would be a transitory discomfort for them, although I am aware there have been instances where the thing has been a wrecking ball to persons with no Preexisting conditions. This remains one of the great unknowns isn't it? We know what it can do, but it is keeping its list of future victims close to its chest. I ask myself how to be in light of this? Authentic is the voice that comes back. Its all I know. Impart the facts, do not panic, and be smart. That should be a universal life lesson. So as the day concludes I check the news, watch some inane Facebook video's, and ponder the conclusion of another day in Lock-down land. I'm a key worker so have more freedom than many. I can turn journey's home into extended jaunts that take in some of the local countryside. I can park up somewhere remote, get out and listen to the sounds of nature for a few minutes. I'm good with solitude. It is a place of sanctuary for me. Give me the birds and the trees and the vastness of a big sky overhead. It doesn't have to be blue. Once again I'm reminded that I am a man of extremes in so many ways. Happy in nature, happy when I'm knee deep in tech. I'm in love with silence, but also perfectly at ease in a Control Room when it all goes tits up. When this is all done and dusted, and assuming we return to some degree of normality I wonder whether we, as a society, will take the positives from this? Can we continue in this vein? Can we keep asking ourselves what we can contribute rather than what we can claim? We are seeing this day in, day out. Wouldn't it be lovely if we could return to those halcyon days when that's just who we are? I dislike a society focused on self preservation. Whenever I see an Instagram selfie I am struck not by the beauty of the person who is posing, but rather the ugliness of the need to preen and posture. It is not an individual critique as such, but for me it speaks into an aspect of our nature that I dislike. Notice me, approve of me. Tell me how beautiful you think I am. I'm afraid I see no beauty in that.

The Better Angels Of Our Nature

So here I am. Day one of seven on my latest round of shifts. A long haul of earlies, late shifts, and nights to look forward to. You might assume that things are busier here, but actually no. Far from it. It is deathly. We’ve had to strip things back to the bare bones to ensure officers are in the right places and that we can eek out the resources we have left. Social distancing is the new normal in the Control Room, with everybody being professional and good humoured. I overhear one or two obsessing about Covid 19, one young girl in particular who’s name I won’t mention. Every 3rd word that leaves her mouth is Corona. Bit tedious, but I suppose I understand. None of us have walked this road before, and we’re all kind of feeling our way through it. I can see from the media there have been some missteps in respect of the new Police powers. If you weren’t expecting this then you are just a tad naïve. The thing to bear in mind about those of us who fall under the umbrella term of Key Worker is that we are just the same as you. No special abilities, no unseen strength or wisdom. We’re just part of a collective trying to make things a bit easier for the wider public during this unique period in our history. Be under no illusion that we are at war. It’s a bit of a shock that the enemy isn’t pointing assault weapons or dropping large explosives on us, although I have heard that an X-ray of a late stage Covid 19 patient is not similar to having a bomb go off in your lungs. We have no special powers to assist us here. In fact the new currency, the thing of real value is good old fashioned common sense. Diligence. Calm. We’re actually going to have to reign ourselves in if we want to fast track through this. If we all play nice, all observe the guidance, then perhaps we may see a light at the end of the tunnel. It used to be a joke that staying in was the new going out. Oh the things we took for granted. I fully expect that our household will go a bit stir crazy at some point, although the dog is positively serene. Always somebody to snuggle beside. For my part, I’ve stopped feeling anxious. I’m in focus mode know. I know what has to be done so that is what I will do. We know what the enemy is, and we know how to beat it. We have to bore it to death, cut off its supply chain. Starve it. That’s how we overcome. Not by some heroic individual act, but with a collective willpower not seen for many a generation. It occurs to me that when it really matters we denizens of this emerald isle are more than capable of getting our heads down and getting on with it. And the humour that I’ve encountered during recent weeks has been a wonder to me. My favourite still concerns the North of England changing its emergency status to “Put Kettle On”. I hear the next phase is “Open digestives, love”, but I hope it doesn’t come to that. Anyway, well done to all of you are doing the right thing, resisting the conspiracy theories. An even bigger thanks to those who are looking out for other’s. Checking on neighbours, showing everybody a bit of extra kindness. A thousand little kindnesses will make a world of difference when times are hard, but we have to choose to be kind. We have to resist the urge to lash out. I don’t know whether you have heard the phrase “A rising tide lifts all boats.” . There is a truth to this notion. Look outward, upward. Be wiser, calmer, more compassionate. We need the better angels of our nature to rise to the surface now. Truth is, we always did.

The Truth I Cannot Tell

I find myself in a really strange position. As many of you know I am an Ex-Christian. I left the faith 12 years ago and have not once regretted this. I remain friends with a great many people of faith, but by the same token stand greatly opposed to what they advocate. To stay abreast of things I often visit the Christian Post website, and over recent days I have encountered some perspectives that have left me both astonished and dismayed. It appears that so many remain in denial of the implications, dangers, and challenges that lay ahead in light of Covid 19. There is a considerable volume of Trump voters whom are hanging on his every word, listening to his erratic and often unscientific claims, and in so doing leaving themselves at immense risk. I have very deliberately been attempting to engage with many of them, but I do so whilst very consciously keeping my Atheism a secret. If they knew I do not believe in their God then they would cease to listen to me, or assume I was seeking to deceive them. I’m really not, and I’m genuinely fearful of what might lay ahead for the United States. As of the last few hours America has now passed China in terms of confirmed cases. Now factoring in the general poor health of many American citizens, including chronic obesity combined with the peculiar way their health system works, I can see what amounts to a perfect storm brewing. Add to this a fair amount of brute ignorance, and of course loyalty to Trump, I can’t see any good outcome. So I’m trying to gently communicate the facts as we currently best understand them, and to do so in a way that doesn’t belittle or undermine what they have chosen to believe. I may not share their convictions, but in the face of such dangerous ignorance I feel I need to do something to communicate that they face a significant threat. It’s a funny feeling from where I sit. I’m deceiving them in the sense that they will never know that I’m an Atheist, but I’m doing so borne of a genuine concern that a great many are going to suffer if they persist with their current outlook. Does this make me a liar? Perhaps. But if I can persuade just a few to think a different way I would know that I have done something. Evangelical Christians are a core part of Trumps demographic. Many hang on his every word. He’s going to get a lot of them killed. At times like now, it is so very important that we put ideological differences aside. Left, right, black or white, gay or straight, believer or sceptic; we’ve all got a dog in this fight. We’re going to beat this thing, but along the way people we know, either directly or indirectly are going to die. That’s a brute fact and we need to stare it down squarely. So I’m going reach out and get alongside those with whom I likely share very little in common. I don’t care that they would scorn me they knew what I was. That’s not important. It cannot afford to be.

Time To Put Yourself First?

Scenario; You are a 49 year old male with no previous adverse medical history. You leave work in your car at 1746 on a Tuesday evening sometime in May 2020. Due to the virus the roads are quiet and you anticipate a short drive home through the country whilst listening to Radio 2. This is before a badger skitters out in front of your vehicle along a quiet lane, causing you to take evasive action, leave the road, and hit a tree at 50 miles per hour. Seven minutes later a farmer driving a tractor in a nearby field see's the smoke from your vehicle. On arrival he finds the air bags depolyed, the front end pulvervised by an oak tree that has stood since the reign of Queen Victoria. You have been unconscious for several minutes. An ambulance is deployed, but the system is under so much pressure it doesn't arrive for another 28 minutes. Your heart stopped 57 seconds prior to its arrival. Miracle workers that they are, they get your body restarted as the Fire brigade remove the roof from your vehicle. A roads policing unit is also in attendance, but they are down on numbers due to the ongoing infection rate. 1 hour and twenty minutes after you strike the tree the ambulance arrives at a seething A&E department, and you encounter further delays due to the lack of critical care staff, again due to the way in which the Coronavirus has bought the nations infrastructure to its knees. Whilst awaiting triage your heart stops again, and this time there is nobody to bring you back. Your life ends in a crowded corridor, with no family members in attendance.

Wind the clock back to an evening in mid March. The Prime Minister has just ordained that all pubs, restaurants, and similar venues be closed to reduce the number of large gatherings. This will come into effect at midnight. Not one to miss an opportunity, and mindful that this might be the last chance to party for the forseeable you take to the streets. The pubs themselves aren't crammed but there's still people aplenty, but by sheer luck you do not come into contact with a carrier of the pathogen. You end the night with a visit to a Kebab van in the square, which is when your good fortune expires. 4 minutes prior to your arrival a carrier of the virus, completely asymptomatic, leans on the counter palms down whilst she places her order. It is a smooth flat plastic surface. You replicate this behaviour and voila, you are suddenly the unknowing inhabitant of a whole new world. The Kebab tastes wonderful, and it is little wonder that the virus finds an easy pathway into your body. You, like the last customer develop no symptoms, but you are a carrier, and over the coming days you play your part in spreading the disease to countless others. Most suffer mild symptoms, but the contagion rate is immense, and as a consequence a process of mass infection swings into gear which, over the next two months, imposes the kind of pressure on an already failing health system that it could never hope to manage.

So now we return your lifeless body. Nobody noticed until a Porter glanced to their left as they pushed a trolley down the corridor. The body is moved on as quickly as resources allow. Next of kin are informed, but of course never get to see you. You will go down as a footnote in history, another unwitting victim of the disease of our age. Not because it killed you. But because it destroyed the fragile infrastructure we took for granted.

Let's just return to the critical moment here. It was the moment you chose the hit the streets back in March. A decision to ignore the advice, to do as you saw fit. Had you stayed in and watched Netflix or, heck even Porn Hub, perhaps the chain of events would not have unfolded as it did. The ambulance may have arrived sooner, the A&E may have had more resources and been under less pressure. If's, what's, maybe's. In fact the only element you really had over the whole sequence was that initial decision.

Ladies and Gentleman. Boys and girls. Stay home, be safe, wash your hands. In closing, have you ever heard of the phrase Altruistic Self Interest? It's when you do the right thing in the knowledge that by doing so you also benefit. This is the message of our times. It's a good kind of selfishness. It will save lives. And it may just end up saving yours. . .

Made Of The Same Stuff.

Well, who saw 2020 shaping up this way? Oh well, desperate times call for desperate measures. I've spent the morning lurking an alleyways and have successfully robbed three senior citizens. The 3rd one was a bit touch and go because he gave chase on a mobile scooter, but his battery gave out when he sped through a large puddle caused by all the rain we've had. Still, I'm now good for Andrex, and Billy the dog can rest easy knowing that he won't be enticed into the toilets with treats and used used as a glorified bog roll. For the immediate future, at least.
Life's all a bit bizarre isn't it? I don't think we all know whether we're coming or going. As of the 18th March, which happens to be my 49th birthday, I have not yet succumbed to our viral friend. It was a tough decision having to give up licking toilet seats, but I figured I needed to be seen doing my bit. My cunning plan is, I think, revolutionary. I'm going to keep calm and carry on. Take the Government advice, help out where I can. Keep turning up for work and doing my bit there. And resisting the urge to think that we're on the verge of the apocylypse. It's bad, yes. Probably going to get worse, too. But we're a resilient bunch, aren't we? With a bit of courage, a bit of compassion, and a grand old dollop of humour we can get through this. We can. We will. And we'll be the more rounded for it. These coming months are when we're all going to learn a lot about ourselves. About each other. And I already know that when I emerge on the other side I want to be able to look back and say to myself, OK lad, you did alright. You looked out for others, you made sensible choices and made the neccessary sacrifices. I want to feel good about how I reacted, not quietly ashamed that I put myself first. I don't really have any advice that you wouldn't already have given yourself, so I'll sign off with this. Be brave, be safe, look outward. Believe you're up to this. Right now I see a world where we're all a bit uneasy, which is a natural and real reaction. Yet I also see a world that can work together and perhaps come closer. Wouldn't that be a cool outcome? Maybe this is what we needed to really remind ourselves that we're all fragile, all temporal. All made of the same stuff. Good luck. Earthlings. Let's see what we're capable of.