Thursday, 19 June 2014

Does My Bum Look Big In This?


The question that no sane mane would ever ask. Or so goes the myth. Thing is, if you do happen to have an arse the size of a small African country wouldn’t you rather know? Or is denial preferable? You see I’m a big fan of honest communication, even though I’m only too aware that this will sometimes cause others pain or disappointment. In fact, spend long enough around me, well actually no more than 30 seconds then I can more or less promise to say or do something that will get your goat. Sorry people, but what I lack in airs and graces I more than make up for in genuineness. So whether you’ve an arse like a bouncy castle or an attitude that smacks of hypocrisy, double standard, or just plain nonsense then I think I owe it to you to be straight. For the record I can do sensitive, with sufficient written notice, but I’m not one for treading on eggshells nor patronising you. Why would I do that? More to the point why would you want me to do that? I don’t get it. Anyway, the point for me is just to ask how honest do we want our interactions to be? If you have a fat arse then perhaps you have to decide whether you’re comfortable with that. Or if there’s other issues you have been blind to, or perhaps just genuinely unaware of then isn’t it better that somebody at least ventures an opinion? I do have one last bitch fest to share, and this is my loathing of that particular brand of human best described as the Ostrich. You know what I mean, that poor soul who cannot face those tough encounters, who’d rather bury their head and see if it all goes away. Sorry, but I’m contemptuous of this position. Its cowardice, plain and simple. It merits no respect, and I for one don’t indulge or pander to it. Truth is, cowards come in all shapes and sizes, but over time you will figure out who falls into this category.
I know what you must be thinking. What side of bed did Rob get out of today? Well it’s the same side as always. It’s just today I feel like bleating about it. I guess I just like honesty and directness. I like to know where I stand. And I warm to those capable of handling that.

Tuesday, 3 June 2014

The People Too Afraid To Be Themselves.

There is a certain type of person who, for whatever reason, lives in the shadow of what other people think. Often it seems this incarceration is a self imposed one, borne of lack of confidence, fear of rejection, fear of admitting to themselves what they are. Of all the things we inflict upon ourselves this saddens me more than most, purely because it doesn't need to be this way. What makes us think that the opinions of others carry such weight? Why are we so pliable, so easily imposed upon? I've looked at this from many angles, and I've lived it, and only when you emerge into the bright blue skies of self determination can a person look back and see just how much cloud had gathered above.
Who are you? Who the fuck are you? Are you even close to knowing?
I can speak only from experience, but the day I shed myself of other peoples expectations was the first day that the real me emerged from my self imposed darkness. Beyond that you find that a process begins, a gradual extrication from a weight we never needed to carry in the first place. I know so many people who live lives of quiet fear, afraid of rejection, of not being accepted, and it honestly breaks my heart. Anxiety can suck the marrow from a person, reducing them to a husk, unable to function anywhere close to their full potential. And doesn't society do a grand job of keeping this ridiculous status quo? Oh the should's, the ought's, the thou shalt or shalt not. What a never ending fart this whole lunacy emits.
If this resonates with you, if there's a part of you in chains of your own making, would you do something for me? Actually, do something for yourself. Simply ask if this is how you always want to be? And if it isn't ask yourself why you're putting up with it now? To the best of my knowledge this is the one life we know we have, so why not at least commit to spending it as the person you want to be? Clearly if the person you want to be is a gun toting serial killer you may want to consider your options, but if you're an otherwise rational person you might free yourself up a bit, grow a bit, and take a few baby steps towards being a more authentic you. Frankly, if you choose not to, or if none of this makes sense then you're probably already down the road. This piece is a call to arms to those nervously shuffling in the shadows, those harbouring desires to be more than they are. Freedom is a wonderful thing. Self determination is a wonderful thing. But you need to have the courage to claim it, and that may involve disappointing a person or two along the way. I'm just saying that you owe it to yourself to make the best of this day and the days to come. Otherwise a time may come when you'll look back and regret the things you've never done. Your choice, I suppose, but from experience I've found that if I'm going to regret anything I'd rather it be the things I did do rather than those I did not. At least you get the answers then, and at least you get to dance to a tune you configured for yourself.

Friday, 30 May 2014

It Isn't Yours To Keep.

Time for you to do some work. I need you to cast your mind to a time, a moment when you were at one with the universe. When everything slipped into place, when it couldn't have gone any better. Perhaps it was with someone special? Or somewhere special? Doesn't matter. You'll know what I'm talking about.
You there yet? Don't rush this, spare the time to reflect and recall what made it what it was. We probably all agree that these events are relatively rare; we spend so much of our lives dancing to the tune of others. But when they happen, when it all clicks it evokes a feeling, a sense of being alive that doesn't occur at any other time. Now I'm having one of these episodes; or one of those weeks to be precise. I'm in the Lake District. Our days have been perfect. They haven't missed a beat. Joy and I are as into each other as we've ever been, which isn't bad after 16 years. And the girls; oh those girls have been a delight from dusk until dawn. The natural world is astonishing around us, whilst our home feels like, well, actually our home. We've climbed mountains, explored forests, walked besides lakes and through meadows and alongside rivers that look like they belong in Middle Earth. So it's been idyllic, but it's nearly done. By the time many of you read this we will be homeward bound, normality hurtling towards us like the unstoppable force it is. But that's ok, because we've had this time, these moments, and my soul is warmed. But now to the point of this thing; I'm so aware that when these transient wonders present themselves they need to be enjoyed as the precious gems they are. Handled, appreciated, but then permitted to leave without begrudging their departure. More than that, never, and I mean never try to recapture a moment that has passed. Nor a feeling, or a time. Because time is a thief and it will not, cannot return what it has claimed from you. So none of us should hanker after that which has gone, that which can never be revisited. Imagine if you will as living your life in the glow of a slowly moving torch, the light illuminating only the present, leaving our history in darkness, and our future a mystery. You, I, we live in this moment. We live in the here and now, and it's in the here and now that we must dwell, and focus our energies and our passions. Try not to mourn what has gone, and try not to live as if your life is going to start at some point in the future, when you've done this thing, that thing. The now is where we get our business done, and where are heads need to be. To do otherwise is to cheat ourselves of the moments we have.
I am a deeply fortunate man. I am loved, I have comfort and some semblance of wealth. I take none of these things for granted and hold all fortune, good or ill, as lightly as I can. But this much I know; tomorrow is a day of possibilities, and I'll never get to live it again, so if it's all the same to you I'll neither linger in the past nor await the future with indolence. That would be a crime, a crime against myself, against the time you have, I have. And I don't want to make that mistake.

Tuesday, 29 April 2014

Outward, Upward, Deeper, More.

I have a routine at the end of a day, assuming shift work allows. I let the dog out into the rear garden and look up at the stars, assuming they are visible. Tonight as I did so I saw my neighbour who was doing the same, and he directed my attention to a point in the sky where there was a star of particular luminosity. Only it wasn't a star, it was the planet Mars, and we gazed at it together. I have never knowingly gazed upon another planet with my naked eyes before, and it was a profound moment for both of us. And then we talked, and we learned that we were both atheists with wives whom hold deep and cherished beliefs. Nothing disrespectful was said, but it gave us the chance to talk through how we had come to our views. Again it was broadly similar. We had both tried to believe, and for some years had done so. I'd probably been more successful in convincing myself about the existence of God than he. In the end though we couldn't negotiate the hurdles that help a person to retain belief in the divine. We spoke warmly of the scientific method, and of having the courage to be open to changing ideas should the evidence warrant. At no point was it a bitch feet against religion, and it occurs to me how far I've come in this respect. If you read some previous blogs I've raged against it, but those days are behind me. It is sufficient that I seek to live my life with integrity, irony, courage and a measure of humour. I actively choose to adapt my views when I feel a must. Of late I'm trying harder to resist some of the cold cynicism I've been guilty of In the past. It makes me an uglier man and I want to walk a gentler path. Again I choose this without condemning those who take a different view, and I can say only that I am the more peaceful for it. I'm fortunate in so many ways; I've children I adore, a measure of material wealth, and at the time of writing reasonable levels of health. And I have a wife whom a I love, cherish, and desire to treat like a Queen. She is the cherry on the cake of my life and our relationship is such that I'd do anything for her at the drop of a hat. So yeah I'm lucky. Lucky and acutely aware of it. So many have it hard, so many whom deserve better never get it. So to be cynical and hard in the face of this seems increasingly wrong to me. And I want to have an outlook which openly appreciates all that I have whilst being aware that nothing lasts forever.
And all this because I went out and looked up at the sky.

Tuesday, 8 April 2014

An Idiots Guide To Masculinity

I get a bit tired of stereotypes. If you feel you have to be a certain kind of man or a certain kind of women then I suggest that this says something horribly dreary about you. Better instead that you try to be the kind of guy or gal that you want to be rather than the kind that society expects you to be. I mean, do you really want to spend your life dancing to somebody else's tune? Never be afraid to live a life that is authentic, never desire the approval of those who would have you be something you are not. And never, and I mean holy fuck never live your life as some kind of tacit apology. It's too short, too unpredictable. On the subject of stereotypes one of my pet hates is the alpha male, the guy that, in one foul swoop manages to drag the true meaning of masculinity so far through the mud that it becomes something ugly and false and inane. Masculinity is about so much more than being physically imposing and verbose; in fact those two things have relatively little to do with being a man. I'm going to suggest that true strength is about presence of mind, of about being able to communicate and project ourselves without doing so at at the expense of others. Don't bore me with your temper and your threats of violence; if I want to see that I'll visit a pre-school. If you want to show yourself a real man learn to think around problems, learn to react creatively under pressure, and seek to avoid causing undue harm and distress. Oh yeah and another thing, masculinity has even less to do with the number of women you've slept with, or the way you do it. I'd suggest that true masculinity, sexually speaking, is about trying to learn what makes that other person tick. About getting inside their psychology and freeing them to be totally comfortable and open with you. In some cases that may actually require a degree of submission on your part. Don't fret it kiddo, just go with it and enjoy the proverbial ride. If you haven't detected the recurring theme yet you probably haven't understood masculinity, so for the slower learners among you I'm gonna spell it out. Learn to listen, and learn to be responsive, and make a real effort to engage with others in an authentic and real way. And here's the punch line; masculinity actually has an awful lot to do with vulnerability, with having the courage to step outside your own norms and learn to see the world, and think about the world in a different way. Boys, can I gently suggest that some of you have been doing this man thing all wrong. Wake up chaps, stretch those hairy arms and make an effort to relocate from that cave you've been living in. Trust me, much greater happiness and real knowledge isn't such a long trek away.

Thursday, 20 March 2014

A World Gone Soft

A couple of minor news stories have leapt out at me this week. The first was the 24 year old drug dealer who broke down in court upon receiving a life sentence for the murder of a pensioner whom he robbed in order to fund a drug habit. The 2nd comes courtesy of a 23 year old Irish alcoholic whom was left in a bus lane by police officers further to being off her head. Different stories, but with a theme running through both. Or rather, not so much a theme, but rather an absence of personal responsibility on the part of both. I don't care about either individual, and care even less about the claim that they have been somehow wronged. Perhaps those of a more liberal bent might suggest that these two may have had difficult childhoods, upbringings filled with abuse or an absence of love? And perhaps this may prove to be the case. I still wouldn't care.
Thing is, I genuinely don't care whether they had a rough childhood, because that doesn't mean they have to blame current behaviour or misdemeanours on a past they cannot change. There comes a time for us all when we have to stand as responsible citizens and accept the consequences of our personal choices. In the case of Mr and Mrs Cretin they've demonstrated amply that they've failed to do this. It doesn't matter how rough a ride you've had, nothing justifies the murder of an innocent, nor the failure to show even a trace of personal responsibility or self respect. I actively choose not to care about these buffoons because they've chosen not to care about themselves. For me it really is that simple. And you know what, I think we overdo the compassion when it comes to offenders these days. We try too hard to understand and mitigate abject behaviour, looking instead to find a rationale as to why they may be a certain way. I think we should stop this and work towards a culture where we are all encouraged to be self responsible and self aware. A culture where we do all we can to better ourselves rather than expect the state to sweep in and coddle us into competence. Now please note, I have said before and for clarity I will state again that I have all the time in the world for those who are struggling and who need some support and encouragement to get their lives back on track. We need to be a caring society and we need to help those in genuine need. But I reject all calls to bail out every low life and imbecile who makes no effort to treat others as they would hope to be treated themselves. Let the law judge them, let them wallow in their own indolence and lack of self respect. I don't care, and my energies will be spent supporting and walking alongside those who actually want to improve not only their own lives but those of their fellow man. We've been too lenient for too long. It's time to draw the line in the sand.

Wednesday, 26 February 2014

No Plan "B"

So the trial of the killers of Lee Rigby has concluded. Whole life sentences, and a comic book scuffle in the court room. Two guilty men, two tedious humans gullible and credulous and warped by their own particular brand of religious certainty. I wonder how many more like them we shall see? How many other gnat brained "Soldiers of Allah" are waiting in the wings for their fifteen seconds of fame? Somewhere out there are future victims, future bereaved mothers and fathers, siblings and children. Their sentences will also be whole life. How could it be any other way? These days I actively steer clear of religion in all it's forms; I've learned that it has a leech like quality, sucking the precious hours from our lives with its wearisome demands. Oh well, personal choice I suppose. And most believers are kindly and decent and generous and normal. It just saddens me that Rigby's killers pursued their own unique delusion to such an extent that the ramifications cost so many so much. Perhaps the lesson we should learn is that no matter our views, none of us has the right to impose ourselves on others to their detriment. Like I said, I've left religion to its own devices and I've no interest in rekindling my investigation into the issue. I'm done with it. I don't have a dog in that race. I'm content to let others live lives as they see fit. I only wish the extremists, whatever creed they follow, would do us the simple courtesy of taking a similar view? Only that's not how these things work, is it? They believe themselves right, and their opponents really wrong. Apparently some cannot simply live and let live, so I suppose we will never be able to lower our guard. There will be other Rigby's, and other atrocities. This will happen just as surely as the sun will rise. To which I can do no more than shrug, and commit myself to living a life of common decency, allowing those who disagree with me the space to do so. Perhaps that is the truest response to barbarism, to small minded delusion in whatever shape or form it takes. Perhaps we just need to offer a simple alternative, namely to live out our days with gentleness, compassion, an enquiring spirit and no small measure of humour.
It's the best I can offer. And I really don't have a plan B.