Wading Through Treacle

I am not struggling to function. I am doing the day to day things well enough. I do not feel anxious or afraid or on edge. My problem is that, for months now, I have not felt a great deal of anything. There is a spark within me but it rarely ignites, like one of those gas water heaters with the pilot light. Under normal conditions I can turn the tap and the flame roars, and I can access my creativity and drive and invention until such time that I switch the tap off. This has not happened for a while, and it is proving a challenge to reignite. In the case of a gas water heater normally a service does the trick, but I'm not quite sure what that looks like? Please note, what I am and have been experiencing is not depression. Its more of a malaise, a kind of existence where everything feels a bit harder than it was before. I of course understand this is as a consequence of a very challenging 2022. The kind of year that has been off the scale in terms of significant family events. So I understand why I feel as I do; the puzzle is that I'm not so sure what it takes to emerge from it. As things stand, I'm tinkering. Trying to make small improvements around the edges. I'm trying to discover new ways to do fitness that don't require gym membership. When I had to walk Billy I would often cover miles, which whilst not stressing my cardio threshold it did me good in so many other ways. Finding the motivation to get out is a bit of a quandary right now, but I know it is important. I have a bike which has not been used too much. I have walking boots that stare at me in disapproval, demanding to know why I have forsaken them? I haven't, of course. Its just that my get up and go has, err, well got up and gone. And whilst I do want to locate it I'm not sure where to start looking? That said, I have at least two massive hiking projects lined up for next year. I'm taking on the Ridgeway in April and I have the final 60 odd miles of the Grand Union Canal to polish off, which will take me from Blisworth up to Birmingham. Self care matters during these times in life, and I'm keen to keep my weight steady and my health levels good. In addition, I have come to realise that I have let myself become a bit faded around the edges, so I went out yesterday and bought a ton of new clothes. Self image, how we see ourselves, can massively impact our wellbeing, so I just went for it. It was a strange but fun feeling spending a lot of money on my wardrobe. Usually I take Joy out and love lavishing on her. We've had enormous fun in places like Windsor and I adore seeing her emerge from changing rooms in something amazing. On that note, our weekends away have tailed off a bit, again for reasons that are understandable. Haven't been away since late August, but we're putting that right starting from next week when we are going to a lovely Inn called The Angel in Burford, which is in the Cotswolds. At the end of the day, in life there are periods when you flourish and periods where life feels like plodding knee deep through treacle. I've been in treacle mode for longer than I would have wanted and I know this needs to change. But I know also this is a process, something that needs to be natural and not overly forced. I remain, as ever, self aware. This morning Joy and I were chatting and I felt able to tell her that I felt just a little lost and that I was struggling to chart a way forward. She of course would have known this, and she has been on this journey herself. A few weeks back, during a moment of fragility for both of us she said something that blew me away. She told me that she'd loved me for 25 years and knew every part of my body. To be known by someone, to be really known, is a rare and precious thing. To know that somebody feels that way about me should be rocket fuel to my ego, right?. Being known by someone is powerful. To be understood, to be heard, to be perceived. That's not nothing. And it gives me hope. As I have said before the world is, despite all its challenges, strange and beautiful and immense. I want to be able to apprehend that as a I once did. I want to feel alive again. And I think that I can. Its just going to take a little time.

Stalking

I do not understand. I will never understand why a certain sub section of men are unable to accept when a relationship is done. If a female is no longer into you, no longer wants your company, your insights, your touch, why is it so hard for you to move on? I cannot imagine the urge to remain in the company of somebody who has, for whatever reason, rejected you. Why subject yourself to that? Seriously, why? Now I am no expert in human psychology, so apologies if the following lacks finesse. Instinct makes me think that this has something to do with insecurity, the need to have control over how we are perceived? Perhaps those who base their self perception by how others perceive them? Could that be it? I just find it perpelxing why any man would want to humiliate themselves in this way. Back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, before I was snatched cruelly into marriage by my wife and kept prisoner for almost a quarter of a century (I'm going to pay for that) I had a hit and miss time with relationships. I had success and failure and freely admit to not really having a clue. That said, when told my presence was no longer desired I never made a fuss. Perhaps I was applying the principle of low expectations to myself, assuming that nobody would want to spend too long with me? Irrespective, I just moved on. Took the hit. As a guy you get used to that. Its normal. Women have to be picky when it comes to relationships because they have so much more to lose. They have to be and should be selective. Now you might argue this may sometimes go too far and that many modern women have entirely unrealistic expections of what a relationship must entail (Spoiler; It has and they do), but none of this should influence how a man should deal with rejection. Accept it. If you want to call yourself a real man, if you want to be truly masculine, accept it. As invested as you may have been, as painful as it may feel, move on. Its the decent thing to do. Its respectful to her, irrespective of whether she's been unpleasant or unkind in the process. Retain your dignity, and understand that once the deal is done its done. There appears to be a pride element in some guys that clouds this response. Perhaps this is the actual toxic masculinity we actually imagine? Dunno, I'm no expert. But I see no value in exposing yourself to further humiliation at the hands of someone who has already said no. Its damaging to everybody. It demeans you as a person. Its speak into your own inner fragility. Actually, I've just stumbled into a core truth here; you cannot measure your value based upon how someone measures you. Sure, you can draw inferences, and read the general mood music, but nobody should be able to understand you better than you understand yourself. If thats happening then you really do have problems. So to close, my message to those men that torment and plague a women who has simply decided you are not to their taste is to simply deal with it. Accept reality, and yes swallow your ego if you must. It can be hard. It can be humiliating. But at risk of sounding cliched, if you wish to call yourself a real man one of the most important skills to learn is self mastery. Rise above your ego and mental fragilty. And who knows, you might just find yourself becoming more attractive as a result.

Let The Foolish Speak

The reason i don't support cancel culture is very straightforward. I want to know where the fools are. And i want other's to know too. I learned this during my painful religious deconversion 16 years ago. I was in a personal situation where i needed to listen to lots of voices which were providing vastly different viewpoints, and it was in these comparisons when I was able to hone my own views. So when i encounter those who want to silence voices that don't spin the same narrative it perplexes me. What are you so afraid of? Are you genuinely interested in knowing how the world is or is your questioning merely performative? Now I accept that some people are horribly offensive and nasty and they say things with malicious intent. And there are other's that want to straight up troll and deceive. Yet surely its preferrable to know who they are even should we choose to indulge them only for a while? I view cancel culture as both weak minded and a form of self harm. You are cacooning yourself from alternative ideas, locking yourself away in your own echo chamber. In so many ways it is this that has gotten us to the point where there is so much social animus. We have stopped listening to each other. We have allowed our minds to become safe and sterile and, dare I say it, feeble. Sometimes the only way to figure out a path through a difficult situation is to walk a difficult path. That can mean discomfort, trauma, and yes, engaging with those that might not agree with our palate. But ask yourself; is it truly wise to close yourself off from potential new ways of thinking? Wise not to test what you already assume to be true? I cannot imagine a more surefire pathway to ignorance. It is anti growth, it is a choice to shrivel and become little more than a closed minded dolt. If you have any interest in growing as a human you have to make a commitment to step out into territory that might initially feel unsafe. If you want to widen your lens, open your mind, and take a journey of engagement rather than seclusion then this is the best road, perhaps the only road for you. The cobbles might hurt your bare feet. The surface might be uneven and pitted. And the potholes may be deeper than you'd like, but I suggest you stand a greater chance of better understanding the world when you arrive at the end of the track.