You Were There - A Letter To Joy Barnes, My Wife Of 25 Years

Through the light and the dark, through laughter and sadness, through the ridiculous and the sublime, you were there. Within weeks of meeting you, this quiet and newly qualified teacher from Hemel Hempstead, I knew you were someone I could build with. Your timeless class, your gentle steadfastness, your willingness to invest in this quirky brown eyed boy from a small country town. You bet on me when many might have hesitated. You trusted me, you invested in me, you gambled on an unfinished product. On an overcast but dry day in May 1998 you floated down the aisle of a tiny church. We faced each other and took vows. We made promises to one another. For richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. We took the great leap. Now, 25 years on, I look back over time and the overwhelming sense within me is gratitude. I struck gold. I won the lottery. I'm Willy Wonka in the chocolate factory. You have loved me when I was unlovely. You have kept your promises when many would have walked. You supported me when I wrote and published my book. You had my back during the terrible year of 2007 when I lost my father, lost the Christian faith that had bought us together, and when I left the job I had once loved but that was destroying me. You remained. You held the line. You have been a magnificent mother to our two beautiful girls and have invested so much of yourself into building relationships of trust and openness and acceptance with them. They love you for it. I love and respect you for it. And as for our journey, we have changed beyond measure from the wide eyed and naive kids we were when we first started out. We've consistently aimed to improve our level of connection with each other. We've learned which buttons to press. We've learned the buttons NEVER to press. We've learned how to build each other up and affirm, and I cannot recall a single example when we have acted out of spite. We've shared beautiful views, magnificent food, and enjoyed the company of wise and engaging people, and yet at the same time we have allowed each other to grow as individuals. There is a saying that love is something that can only be given with an open hand. If that hand closes too tightly it will crush and constrict and suffocate. Your hand has always been open, Joy. I'm so grateful that I have been able to be the truest version of myself with you and that you have found creative ways to work with this. The fact that we still want to grow, still want to find out new things about each other and open new doors is an amazing thing. Joy Louise Barnes,I could spend hours listing all the ways in which you have made my life better, but instead I want to say simply the following; You are my North star. You are my moral compass. You are the quiet voice amidst the storm that always helps me reach the shore. You are the first person I want to see in the morning and you will be the last person I want to see when one day,hopefully many years from now, I close my eyes for the last time. You are, and will forever be, The Lady Of The House.

Women & Fast Food

I'm going to draw a comparision between women and eating habits. Your reaction to this will tell you a lot about yourself. What you think of me as a consequence is your business. First off, there are some amazing women in the world. Some absolute top quality heavenly creatures who, if you're a smart guy, will see a mile off. Only I'm not talking about them today. At the age of 52 I have done a lot of observing and I think I'm reasonably well placed to offer some advice to the younger guys in their 20's and 30's who are struggling with the whole relationship thing. I'm going to highlight some red flags for you, so take from this what you will. The wrong kind of women is a bit like fast food. A kebab smeared with unhealthy dressing, a proper dirty burger. Which is to say it often looks and smells amazing and, in the moment, you kind of convince yourself you have to have it. And when you first taste my God the flavour is divine. The texture as you bite down, the rush to your palate. Only you realise a short time on that you feel heavier, a bit lethargic, and you get an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach that you've digested something that's not entirely good for you. It's fast food, see. Designed to give a rush rather than to provide lasting satisfaction. A bit like red flag women. These come in an equally enticing package, ticking all those sensory boxes and you convince yourself that you have to have them. Thing is, with a low quality red flag women it won't be long before they have a similar effect on you that shitty food has on your digestive system. You'll feel tired, listless, unsatisfied. A good women brings the exact opposite effect to your life, and when you are around one its actually a peaceful and enriching experience. Now boys, if you've worked in any male/female environment you will have encountered the woman who sets her standards so impossibly high that she will be out of reach for 98% of all men. You don't earn enough, you're not tall enough, you're not not meeting what you will quickly learn are a literally endless set of demands. If you ever find yourself in the company of this archetype, well for me it's "Run Forrest, run!!". Trust me, you want no part of this creature as it will bring nothing but fatigue and a depreciating sense of your own self worth. These women are corrosive, and oddly you will find that the standards they expect from you they cannot aspire to themselves. So hypocrites, too. They can also be identified with their lack of self awareness around this blind spot. They are often attractive and capable in some respects, but their involvement with you is a transaction, a kind of emotional mortgage, and lo and behold should you ever fall behind on the payments. If you're a guy just starting out and beginning to make something of yourself you might want to avail yourself with the following harrowing statistic. Women initiate between 70-80% of all divorces. 90% if they are college educated. So if you've got money and resources or anything of value behind you, you need to be very careful in your selection of partner. The wrong choice will be catastrophic as the courts are against you and you can look forward to many years of financial servitude should your "Happy Meal" decide to call time on the relationship. For another red flag I strongly suggest you listen to how a women talks about her partner when she is around other women. It's an eye opener. But when you do bare the following in mind; if this women is bad mouthing and disrespecting her guy in his absence just take a moment to remind yourself that this flappy mouthed "Kebab" actually chose to be with the man they are busy tearing down. So if they can talk like that about their supposed nearest and dearest, well just let that sink in. So be wary of women who make impossible demands which they will often refer to as high standards, and equally circumspect around the gobby one's who can't resist bad mouthing. As a bonus point I would very much remind men that the right kind of Lady will bring something, in fact numerous things to a relationship. They will have multiple qualities and being around them can be a zen experience. Contrast this with the demands of the Office Queen who demands everything, yet in return brings little other than tits and arse and legs, which incidentally they will weaponise against you as part of the bargaining process. Quick digression, in relationships women have always been the gate keepers of sex, and this is for sound evolutionary reasons because the risk is all theirs. But should you ever find yourself in an alliance in which your desire for sex is being used as a bargaining chip then I'd suggest that this is not the kind of relationship that has any long lasting appeal. Boys, it's high past time that you levelled the playing field when it comes to how you interact with the often not so fairer sex. The pendulum has swung way too far in their favour and you have allowed yourself to be rendered impotent. This is a reminder to the high quality men out there that you have a massive value of your own, an array of qualities that you should share with only the most deserving Lady. My advice, as somebody whom has been married to a very high quality specimen for 25 years is to ensure that when you commit you be damn sure, or as sure as you can be, that the person with whom you plan to spend your days has your best interests at heart rather than merely their own. And to those women seething as you read this. Those of you tempted to burn my effigy, I very much suspect I may have struck a rather tender cord? To that I say quite simply, you're welcome. . . .