I Wish I'd Done This Better

People who've been reading this blog for years will know that in another life I was an Evangelical Christian. Bible believing, baptised as an adult, a genuine seeker after truth. You'll know also how I changed and morphed into a somewhat hostile atheist. It was a neccesary process, but I conducted myself terribly during the early years post deconversion. I was mean. I was hostile. I lacked respect. I openly mocked those who remained in the faith. I offer no defence for my behaviour. It was abject and unkind and, on reflection, unneccesary. For this, and to those whom I caused pain, I am truly sorry. In 2006 and 2007 my life was not in great shape. I was suffering from work related stress, whilst battling with the loss of my faith which had been the cornerstone of my life. In early 2007 I also learned my father was terminally ill with cancer. Yet being the person I am I just kept going. Trying to find a way through. My faith had given me a good life; friends, community, a wife and children. It had also been a lens through which I saw the world, so when it broke it's fair to say everything else broke with it. My then place of work was increasingly tedious and demoralising, and I was having to do work that was far below what I was I capable of. For those whom know me, you'll likely know that boredom is Kryptonite to me. It kills me, weakens me. I have to be engaged with what I'm doing. This resulted in what I later identified as the previously mentioned stress, a kind of depression and lethargy and absence of vision. The world became dim and foggy, Monday to Friday was a desperate time. God knows how Joy dealt with seeing her husband change from a confident and infuriatingly positive fella into Eeeyore. That she kept faith in me when I deserved none remains a minor miracle. But I digress. Long story short, there was a period of time, perhaps measurable over years, that I was not fun to be around. I was hostile, negative, quick to demean. Three qualities which I found unattractive in others I was now manifesting myself. Talk about a wake up call. All of this is to say that I look back and regret the person that I allowed myself to become. You'll note usage of the term, "Allowed to", because I'm a man that likes to own his shit. And it was my shit. I can blame life's events, wail at the universe, and even acknowlege the perfect storm of misfortune that I encountered, but I won't do it. My choices, my bad choices, will be forever mine. If I have learned anything it is that projecting a problem achieves nothing other than to worsen it, so if its all the same to you I'll take responsibility for the person I was. To say time is a healer, whilst a bit trite, is nontheless true. With time comes perspective, the chance to reflect, and to take the important lessons from each experience. My decision to leave Christianity remains correct because I no longer believed in it. My decision to take such a hostile approach to it remains foolish and self defeating. I hurt other's, I ridiculed and belittled them. And for why? Because I couldn't cope with how my life was panning out. So no excuses from me. I might not have been the author of my own downfall but I did enough proof reading to understand what was going on. So why do I chose today to write about this time period again? Well I've just finished listening to the audiobook of Jordan Petersons 12 Rules For Life. At the core of the text is him extolling us to get our houses in order. To look honestly and openly at every area of our life and see where the deceipt lies. Because there will be deceipt. We deceive ourselves all the time. Be grateful if you're not very good at it because then this fact comes into the open sooner rather than later. Today I have no pearls of wisdom to share. This is me acknowledging my shortcomings, articulating them. Laying them bare. I've never wanted to deceive myself or other's but I have done. I may do so again if I'm not on my guard. Consider this blog as my apology to those whom fell foul of my anger, of my lashing out at my personal circumstances. I should have been wiser. I should have shown more poise. I did not, and that's on me.

Changes Down The Years

I've noticed something about myself over the last few years. It's kind of dawned slowly, but I've noticed a change. To put simply, very few people cause me issues. Nobody tries to intimidate me, push me around, or gain superiority. I mean never. Yet it wasn't always this way. And I'm kind of baffled as to how this change has come about? I'm a fairly gentle spirit in most respects. I don't seek to bully or dominate others. It's not important where I sit in the pecking order, whatever that last bit means. I suppose I'm plain speaking, and I know I enjoy a bit of verbal back and forth, and I never stay quiet about the things that really matter to me. So what's changed? Am I just more comfortable in my own skin, less interested in how I'm perceived? Or just unable to perceive when people are trying it on? As it happens, when I'm out in public I deliberately walk with my shoulders back and stand up straight, but that's because being slouched means that you're more likely to be a target. And I've even tested this out multiple times whenever I find myself in proximity to a group of rowdy younger lads. Shoulders back, don't avoid eye contact, head held up. I think it might give off some kind of signal perhaps, because I've never had any snark or abuse. Am I more confident these days? Dunno. Does being less bothered what people think amount to the same thing? I'm not blind to my flaws, but I'm honest about my strengths, too. I speak out when it matters, I stand up for my core principles. I'm not looking for applause or appreciation, or to attract the attention of other's. I'm starting to wonder whether I should now officially diagnose myself as being comfortable in my own skin? OK with who I am, where I'm at? That's not to say I'm not still open to new experiences. I love engaging with new ideas and passions and taking steps into uncharted territory. It's just I've enough sense of accomplishment behind me to understand that no single thing can or will ever define me. Whilst I speak quite well I'm actually a product of the working class. Hard working parents, who themselves came from parents that flirted with poverty. For all my faults I've always known that nothing comes without hard work. In fact if I was going to give one peice of advice it would be thus; Work hard, carry your share of the load. Never let other's lift what you can lift yourself. I left school with no qualifications and no hope, spending years in the building trade before coming to realise I was dying inside. I recall my very last day in the business. It ended with a confrontation with the guy who I was working for. The argument was probably over nothing, but at some point he decided it would be smart to issue the following challenge; "So if I told you to fuck off now where would that leave you?". A bit of back and forth followed, but he was basically calling my bluff. I recall putting my paint brush down, walking past him, and then walking all the way home from Buckingham to Winslow. I never returned to the building trade in any formal capacity. I'm not sure whether it was an act of abject stupidity, or stupidly brave. Somewhere between the two, truth be told. Plenty followed, but to cut a very long story short and through a combination of luck and graft I ended up working for a world leading electronics company, even setting up a department dedicated to new business, a model that was embraced by similar franchises across the globe. I spent 12 years making a lot of chronically obese Germans very wealthy before once again circumstances led me to a crossroads. And again it was good old fashioned hard work, trustworthiness, and resilience that got me there. I could go on but the point is already made. Never be afraid to take big decisions, trust in your own ability, earn the respect of those alongside you. It's a heck of a currency. Don't act entitled. That just means you're a wanker. Nobody likes somebody who acts like the world owes you something. It doesn't. The world doesn't care whether you succeed or fail, so it's down to you to sort that out. By the way, I have absolutely no idea why I started writing this, but you don't care do you? I guess what I'm trying to say is that you get out what you put in if you're lucky. All you can give is your best, and I've found that by doing so a little can go a very long way. And don't be afraid to get it wrong or fail outright, because that's learning in its rawest form. In fact there's nothing that can't be learned from if you let it teach you. Life isn't fixed, so you can't be fixed, either. Be open to surprises, be flexible your perspective. And know that you will be wrong about a great many things, which is fine just so long as you have the integrity to want to be right in the end.