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Friday, 10 June 2011

Heavenly Handjobs

You have full permission to laugh uproariously at my expense for the next couple of minutes. At the age of 24 I converted to Christianity. One of my concerns prior to doing this was that I'd have to give up certain, err, practices. The kind of practices that most young men are rather fond of. Now If you're a male of any age you know that chastity is about as appealing as receiving a battery acid enema, so this was a real issue for me. I mean, if the Creator of the Universe was calling me it really wouldn't do to put the old landing gear first. But how to resolve this quandary? Could I completely cease all masturbation?

Are you kidding?

Therefore, I made a decision to limit my activity to once weekly. Saturday morning to be precise, and I promised myself I wouldn't enjoy it too much. If memory serves I managed this remarkable feat for some time, and recall several lengthy conversations with other Christians on this issue. Exactly how permissable were my actions? Does God frown if I exceed my weekly dosage of hand shandy's? At what point does it become sin? Am I allowed to picture that girl in the office wearing the short skirt and the black tights when I do it?

As I matured in my faith I realised I was not alone, and once married the conversations with guys often concerned which of us was "struggling" with internet porn. The hours we deliberated, the vows we made to keep each other accountable. On reflection, I know now that by making such an evil out of this what we actually did was render it more appealing, more delicious, more seductive. These days I've got a very liberal, matter of fact perspective towards sex and sexuality. And I'm no more addicted to porn than I was when I had faith.  I can laugh at myself now. I know you just have. I do pity the poor lads whom are still waging this losing battle, however. They shouldn't have to treat the bed snake as some enemy to be tamed, or some seperate entity custom designed to lead us into sin. Our sexuality is integral to whom we are, a part of us we can explore, enjoy, embrace.

I can safely assure you, chastity is not a lifestyle I plan to return to anytime soon.

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