A Love Letter To My Stalkers

I have online stalkers. People who don't like what I say, or how I say it. They are, perish the thought "Offended". So I'm thinking to myself you know what? It's Christmas, lets give them an early present. Please find below, albeit in abbreviated form, some of my greatest hits. By hits I mean the positions I hold that have resulted in some interesting blowback. 1. George Floyd was an immoral human being who did not deserve to die at the hands of an unprofessional imbecile who should never have been placed in a position of power. George Floyd was a drug addled career criminal who placed a gun into the belly of a pregant female during a house invasion. He should be forgotten and not lauded. 2. Systemic racism is a myth. All serious academic studies have failed to demonstrate otherwise. Racism is of course very real and should be challenged at every turn. We need to follow Luther and judge a person by the content of their charachter rather than the colour of their skin. 3. Islam, Christianity, and indeed all religions are ideas concocted by humans rather than conceived by the divine. should you wish to offer evidence to the contrary i'm listening. 4. If you have a penis and claim to be a women, or a vagina and claim to be a man you are at a misapprehension. Don't let this stop you from identifying as either and being the truest version of yourself. I fully support and encourage you. I just don't believe things that are untrue. Trans women arent women. Trans men are not men. They are individuals who feel more aligned with a sex opposite to that into which they were born. This is likely all linked to the amounts of testosterone a fetus is exposed to pre utero, along with gametes and some weird stuff that goes on in the amygdala that I'm not clever enough to articulate. 5) Public sector workers should not strike. Public sector workers are public servants, and that, like it or not, comes with some baggage. It means that your grievances with pay and working conditions come secondary to your commitment to serve the public and keep them safe. You knew this going in. You don't get to overturn the applecart now. There we are dear stalkers. 5 veritable free hits for you to report to whomever you see fit. And that's what you love doing, right? That fuels your obsession. It feels a little weird that I'm living rent free inside your head to this extent. But then you are social justice warriors aren't you? You are crusading for equality. You exist to stamp out wrong think, of which I'm endlessly culpable. But why do this today? Why write this now? Why poke the bear? Because I can. Because I want to. And to stress once again that there's a massive difference between a critique of ideas compared to personal abuse aimed at individuals. I go to some lengths to do the former, and when speak of individuals I have never knowingly resorted to petty abuse. Oh, a couple of freebies 6. Jeremy Clarkson is really funny. 7. Megan Markle isn't. Anyways, that's my love letter to the not so adoring people who don't approve of what I say or how I say it. Merry Christmas.

Compulsion

Many years ago I penned a somewhat controversial blog entitled "Religion And Cross Dressing". I made the case that in both cases, it was something that some people just felt the need to do. At the time I was an angry recovering Christian and lashing out at friend and foe alike. My views have softened over the years, and for some reason I felt I wanted to revisit this. First up, I would now call that original blog "Religion And Transgenderism", because it better reflects the moment. And you know what? I think the core of the original case holds. In both examples, whether a person is religious minded or transgender, both experiences speak to something in the core of our being. A need to worship something higher than ourselves, a desire to believe this is not all for nothing. And for the person who feels trapped in the wrong body, or who aches to touch the feminine or masculine part of themselves these waters run deep, and to deny who we really are can and in some cases does lead to a lifetime of desolation and dismay. I have genuine compassion for any human who cannot be the truest version of themselves. Any human who feels trapped, aliented, silenced. In the year of our Lord 2022 I find myself wanting to encourage the creation of a society that is safe and nourishing for all. If you have a belief, if there is a religious lens through which you want to see the world do that. If you are a young, gender confused person my hope is that you feel loved and supported, even if perhaps not fully understood. I wish neither demographic any harm, and I ask only that you seek to do no harm to yourself or others. Now at this point some of you might be perplexed? Rob, you've come out swinging againts trans ideology aimed at minors. This is correct, but my concerns here are solely the speed at which kids are being encouraged to transition and given access to medication and treatments that are irreversible and can cause long term harm. Those formative years are a churning and turbulent time when youngs minds are maleable and fixated and not fully developed. In certain cases we must protect these kids againsts themselves. Same with the young boy or girl growing up indoctrinated in a fiercely religious home. The risks are obvious, the potential harms self evident. Adulthood is, in the vast majority of cases, when life altering decisions must be made. Not before. We must be so careful that our compulsions do not propel us towards future misery and emotional dislocation. Your desire to live as a member of the opposit sex, or practice the faith of your choosing is not wrong. Your life is your story, your tale to tell. But, and this part really matters; be ever cautious of making life changing decisions too soon. You likely do have time to reflect, even though every fibre of your being might want to make those great leaps now. Easy for you to say, I hear you observe. Yes, I suppose that's fair. Yet when I look at what is happening around me, and I consider the tale of my own life, I realise that when we stop and take stock, when we measure the benefits against the harms, we can be sure we've done justice to the enormity of the decisions themselves. All of this is to say that you do you, but do so with the greatest of care. Not for the sake of other's. But for you and you alone. You deserve it.

Wading Through Treacle

I am not struggling to function. I am doing the day to day things well enough. I do not feel anxious or afraid or on edge. My problem is that, for months now, I have not felt a great deal of anything. There is a spark within me but it rarely ignites, like one of those gas water heaters with the pilot light. Under normal conditions I can turn the tap and the flame roars, and I can access my creativity and drive and invention until such time that I switch the tap off. This has not happened for a while, and it is proving a challenge to reignite. In the case of a gas water heater normally a service does the trick, but I'm not quite sure what that looks like? Please note, what I am and have been experiencing is not depression. Its more of a malaise, a kind of existence where everything feels a bit harder than it was before. I of course understand this is as a consequence of a very challenging 2022. The kind of year that has been off the scale in terms of significant family events. So I understand why I feel as I do; the puzzle is that I'm not so sure what it takes to emerge from it. As things stand, I'm tinkering. Trying to make small improvements around the edges. I'm trying to discover new ways to do fitness that don't require gym membership. When I had to walk Billy I would often cover miles, which whilst not stressing my cardio threshold it did me good in so many other ways. Finding the motivation to get out is a bit of a quandary right now, but I know it is important. I have a bike which has not been used too much. I have walking boots that stare at me in disapproval, demanding to know why I have forsaken them? I haven't, of course. Its just that my get up and go has, err, well got up and gone. And whilst I do want to locate it I'm not sure where to start looking? That said, I have at least two massive hiking projects lined up for next year. I'm taking on the Ridgeway in April and I have the final 60 odd miles of the Grand Union Canal to polish off, which will take me from Blisworth up to Birmingham. Self care matters during these times in life, and I'm keen to keep my weight steady and my health levels good. In addition, I have come to realise that I have let myself become a bit faded around the edges, so I went out yesterday and bought a ton of new clothes. Self image, how we see ourselves, can massively impact our wellbeing, so I just went for it. It was a strange but fun feeling spending a lot of money on my wardrobe. Usually I take Joy out and love lavishing on her. We've had enormous fun in places like Windsor and I adore seeing her emerge from changing rooms in something amazing. On that note, our weekends away have tailed off a bit, again for reasons that are understandable. Haven't been away since late August, but we're putting that right starting from next week when we are going to a lovely Inn called The Angel in Burford, which is in the Cotswolds. At the end of the day, in life there are periods when you flourish and periods where life feels like plodding knee deep through treacle. I've been in treacle mode for longer than I would have wanted and I know this needs to change. But I know also this is a process, something that needs to be natural and not overly forced. I remain, as ever, self aware. This morning Joy and I were chatting and I felt able to tell her that I felt just a little lost and that I was struggling to chart a way forward. She of course would have known this, and she has been on this journey herself. A few weeks back, during a moment of fragility for both of us she said something that blew me away. She told me that she'd loved me for 25 years and knew every part of my body. To be known by someone, to be really known, is a rare and precious thing. To know that somebody feels that way about me should be rocket fuel to my ego, right?. Being known by someone is powerful. To be understood, to be heard, to be perceived. That's not nothing. And it gives me hope. As I have said before the world is, despite all its challenges, strange and beautiful and immense. I want to be able to apprehend that as a I once did. I want to feel alive again. And I think that I can. Its just going to take a little time.

Stalking

I do not understand. I will never understand why a certain sub section of men are unable to accept when a relationship is done. If a female is no longer into you, no longer wants your company, your insights, your touch, why is it so hard for you to move on? I cannot imagine the urge to remain in the company of somebody who has, for whatever reason, rejected you. Why subject yourself to that? Seriously, why? Now I am no expert in human psychology, so apologies if the following lacks finesse. Instinct makes me think that this has something to do with insecurity, the need to have control over how we are perceived? Perhaps those who base their self perception by how others perceive them? Could that be it? I just find it perpelxing why any man would want to humiliate themselves in this way. Back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, before I was snatched cruelly into marriage by my wife and kept prisoner for almost a quarter of a century (I'm going to pay for that) I had a hit and miss time with relationships. I had success and failure and freely admit to not really having a clue. That said, when told my presence was no longer desired I never made a fuss. Perhaps I was applying the principle of low expectations to myself, assuming that nobody would want to spend too long with me? Irrespective, I just moved on. Took the hit. As a guy you get used to that. Its normal. Women have to be picky when it comes to relationships because they have so much more to lose. They have to be and should be selective. Now you might argue this may sometimes go too far and that many modern women have entirely unrealistic expections of what a relationship must entail (Spoiler; It has and they do), but none of this should influence how a man should deal with rejection. Accept it. If you want to call yourself a real man, if you want to be truly masculine, accept it. As invested as you may have been, as painful as it may feel, move on. Its the decent thing to do. Its respectful to her, irrespective of whether she's been unpleasant or unkind in the process. Retain your dignity, and understand that once the deal is done its done. There appears to be a pride element in some guys that clouds this response. Perhaps this is the actual toxic masculinity we actually imagine? Dunno, I'm no expert. But I see no value in exposing yourself to further humiliation at the hands of someone who has already said no. Its damaging to everybody. It demeans you as a person. Its speak into your own inner fragility. Actually, I've just stumbled into a core truth here; you cannot measure your value based upon how someone measures you. Sure, you can draw inferences, and read the general mood music, but nobody should be able to understand you better than you understand yourself. If thats happening then you really do have problems. So to close, my message to those men that torment and plague a women who has simply decided you are not to their taste is to simply deal with it. Accept reality, and yes swallow your ego if you must. It can be hard. It can be humiliating. But at risk of sounding cliched, if you wish to call yourself a real man one of the most important skills to learn is self mastery. Rise above your ego and mental fragilty. And who knows, you might just find yourself becoming more attractive as a result.

Let The Foolish Speak

The reason i don't support cancel culture is very straightforward. I want to know where the fools are. And i want other's to know too. I learned this during my painful religious deconversion 16 years ago. I was in a personal situation where i needed to listen to lots of voices which were providing vastly different viewpoints, and it was in these comparisons when I was able to hone my own views. So when i encounter those who want to silence voices that don't spin the same narrative it perplexes me. What are you so afraid of? Are you genuinely interested in knowing how the world is or is your questioning merely performative? Now I accept that some people are horribly offensive and nasty and they say things with malicious intent. And there are other's that want to straight up troll and deceive. Yet surely its preferrable to know who they are even should we choose to indulge them only for a while? I view cancel culture as both weak minded and a form of self harm. You are cacooning yourself from alternative ideas, locking yourself away in your own echo chamber. In so many ways it is this that has gotten us to the point where there is so much social animus. We have stopped listening to each other. We have allowed our minds to become safe and sterile and, dare I say it, feeble. Sometimes the only way to figure out a path through a difficult situation is to walk a difficult path. That can mean discomfort, trauma, and yes, engaging with those that might not agree with our palate. But ask yourself; is it truly wise to close yourself off from potential new ways of thinking? Wise not to test what you already assume to be true? I cannot imagine a more surefire pathway to ignorance. It is anti growth, it is a choice to shrivel and become little more than a closed minded dolt. If you have any interest in growing as a human you have to make a commitment to step out into territory that might initially feel unsafe. If you want to widen your lens, open your mind, and take a journey of engagement rather than seclusion then this is the best road, perhaps the only road for you. The cobbles might hurt your bare feet. The surface might be uneven and pitted. And the potholes may be deeper than you'd like, but I suggest you stand a greater chance of better understanding the world when you arrive at the end of the track.

Far Changing Tides.

If i have learned one thing repeatedly this year it is just how helpless I am to change certain things. I couldn't do anything when i discovered that a close family member had been sexually assaulted, or when my brother in law died, or when my beloved Bischon Frise Billy had to be put to sleep. Couldn't do anything when my autistic daughter failed to land a job she was passionate about, or help my other child deal with the residual effects of trauma. There was no fix I could deploy, no solution to conjur, no cure I could offer. I've simply had to watch it all unfold. Life will always throw its slings and arrows at you. This is as inevitable as night following day. And there is much to be learned from trauma. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. 2022 has required a level of resilience from me that has left me mentally drained. I've lost weight, and to add insult to injury to few non grey hairs i did proudly possess have scurried off, presumably never to return. But you know what? I'm still standing. We as a family are still standing. And from this whole, horrible shit show of a year a miraculous thing has occured. We are closer as a family. We are connected. We are together. We've had each other's back. And that's not nothing. Under pressure things can implode and familes can be shattered, but from all the carnage we've pulled together and we're doing ok. A few days ago I looked as my sister stood at the grave of her husband as we committed his body to the Earth. She was small, fragile, but my God I have never seen a warrior like her. Having had her life turned on its head over the course of seven traumatic days she has been stretched to the emotional brink. Her dignity, her fortitude, her ability to accept the unthinkable has left me in awe. If courage had a name it would be Angela Knibbs. I'm astonished by her. Yet what lessons can I draw from 2022? Probably just that when the storms hit you just have to be authentic and accept that somedays it is going to feel very dark, whilst on other's, if you pay attention, you might perhaps get a glimpse of what life may look like beyond. As a family we are mourning a great many things, but we are walking the road toghether. We are there for each other. Right now I crave some calmer water so we can all steady our ships. It's been stormy out there, but life is a bit like the weather isn't it? It comes and goes, ebbs and flows, sometimes unchanging and at other times changing thrice daily. Nobody is owed happiness, and when it comes I've often heard it said we should treat it as guest. Make it welcome, don't take it for granted, and accept that it cannot stay for good. . .

Blink And You Miss It

Life, that is. It's there, and then it isn't. Alive, then dead. And those of us left behind just plod on, bewildered and trying to make sense of it. You know something? When my Dad passed back in 2007 it took the form of what you might describe as a managed descent. He had his terminal diagnosis, and then there was a period of five months where we all got a chance to journey with him. My sister didn't get to experience that. No, the universe decided that in the space of seven days it was going to rip her 36 year marriage out of her hands and leave her a widow. And I mean literally rip, like a tornado ripping a house from its foundations and hurling it thousands of feet into the air. What's the saying? Oh yeah, "We're not in Kansas anymore". How is a fragile human being meant to even begin to process that? How can you prepare for days like these? You can't, of course. You just get hurled along with the rest of the fucking house, and you land someplace else, in a land you barely recognise. Watching this particular tornado from close range has sadly, once again reminded me that as humans we are far more helpless than we care to admit. So much we cannot control. And frankly this is what I have wrestled with too much this year. I tend to see any situation as something that admits of a solution, only some things you can't fix. Some knots you can't unpick. You just have to stand and watch as people you love experience the unthinkable, quietly knowing that what you see them living through is the monster you fear yourself. In this life, if we are fortunate, we get to share some time with people we love and cherish and would likely choose to spend eternity with. Love is a risky business, and time a thief that will, eventually, consume all. There are people in my life that have made me wiser, calmer, more steadfast. One day I will smile at these people for the last time. We'll share a final laugh, eat a final pub lunch, go on a final walk, partake of a last embrace. We probably won't know it at the time, but we can be assured this comes to us all. We're all a part of the great transaction more commonly referred to as consciousness. We live, feel, observe, comprehend, and then the hour comes when we do not. Perhaps this all sounds depressing to you, and perhaps it actually is. But would you rather have not experienced the joys of being alive, with all that this entails? This voyage is in every sense the adventure of a lifetime. Yours, mine. Some of it we will share. As I type this I am once again trying to process yet another massive seismic shift in the fabric of my reality, and it won't be the last time. I have no great words of wisdom as to how you spend your time on Earth, but for me I think I owe it to those departed to be grateful of what I still have. In closing, when I gave my Father's eulogy 15 years ago I closed by imploring those present to "Live as if it means something". It was simultaneously a cry from the heart and a call to arms. I meant it in 2007, and by God I mean it now. . .

Little Boy Lost. A New Reality.

I feel like a little lost boy. I feel like i've lost my best mate. I look ahead and think what now? What does this horrible new reality look like? I was meant to go to work today but couldn't do it. Woke up at 0415 with a splitting headache. Called a Supervisor who was wonderful, and who he himself had been faced with the same terrible reality just two weeks ago. It's now 24 hours since Billy went gently into the night surrounded by his whole family. His pack, if you like. Seeing the anesthetic hit him, seeing his legs go was a moment of raw grief followed by a period of 15-20 minutes when we just stayed with him. We were all sat around him and he was covered by his blanket. He felt no pain. His heart stopped. Billy was gone. And now here we are as a family not quite knowing what to do with ourselves. Billy was the heart of our home. Daily routines were built around him. Walks, feeding, bedtime. His absence leaves a void and reframes every part of our existence. We were a team of five and now we are four. Whenever Holly came downstairs she sought him out. Literally every time. I'd come home from work and he would be on the top of our sofa and look up. Perhaps his little curly tail would flicker. When home alone he would join whoever was around. He was a constant source of joy, a little fluffy bundle of love and acceptance. And now he's gone. And the world seems smaller, sadder, less. As a family we are grieving terribly, each in our own way, but also together. We're talking about it, hugging a lot, and there are so many tears. I can honestly say, even just 24 hours on, that this is the most extreme sense of loss I have ever felt. Greater than losing my Father, even. My Dad was not with me every day. He'd not shared thousands of miles of walks along canals, over hills, through fields. Whatever any day had consisted of his love and affection and ability to bring a smile were a constant. Where do I find that now? I look ahead and it feels bleak and dark and cold. I know this grief will pass, but today it is searing. I have put aside any notions of being strong at this point. I'm having to settle for just being human. It's all I can do for now. There are a million happy memories left behind by Billy. Enough laughter to fill several lifetimes. But he's gone now. And I'm sad. And I'm processing. I am told that in time this will pass, and when those vast clouds of sadness part I will be able perceive a way forward. Just not today friends. I'm not ready.

Dark

It all feels so dark, doesn't it? So heavy. So unrelenting. I cannot recall a more bleak and unforgiving time in my life. I've always been able to see the positives and a way forward, but right now it is coming from all sides. Covid, War, cost of living, climate change. It's tough. Perhaps that's why I haven't been blogging so much. I'd just be reminding you of what you already know. From a personal perspective it has been a difficult year, although this also is more to do with events over which I have little control. Come November I will be the father of two adult kids, which is a strange feeling. Both are good and decent humans with a moral core, but like so many younger people I sense a naievety about the way the world really is. It won't open its arms and embrace you. It won't all come together according to your precise design. Its all a trade off, with compromises and limitations at every turn. And boy, having two who are nuero diverse is really something. I often feel all at sea and completely bereft of how to help them as they figure stuff out. See, I'm a pragmatist at heart, and whilst its all well and good to say the pink and fluffy stuff that people want to hear I sometimes worry that this simply disguises how tough the world is. They need to appreciate this and I don't always know to communicate it. For me personally, I had aspirations of how I want life to be, but there's always an obstacle. Always a distraction. So I just keep plodding. I go into what I term "Meal ticket mode", which is simply to observe that I go out, I work, and try to ensure everybody close to me is provided for. I ask for nothing in return. I am just doing what I do. An automaton executing the same algorithm I have been running for years. Is this the "quiet desperation" I have heard some men speak of? Ideally I try to take myself out of the loop from time to time, going on hikes, bike rides. It just removes me from the norm and really gives me a perspective. Even that's difficult now though due to having an elderly dog who may or may not require veterinary treatment, making me reluctant to spend money on personal hobbies. I will, of course, keep on trucking, as the mantra goes. It is, after all, what I do. I laugh when I can, relax when i can, and try to ignore the shadow for a time. And I do not think these feelings are unique to me in this current landscape. We're all carrying a heavier load. We're all experiencing challenges. There's nothing unique about my story. Perhaps we all need to be a little kinder to each other. A little more forgiving. A little more understanding. Perhaps that way we all end up bearing a slightly lighter load.

Tell The Truth And Do Not Be Afraid

I have often stated that the only way to become brave is to do brave things. Talking about being brave is not enough. Those are just words. Only words and actions combined tell the whole story about you. I learned this by both observation and life experience. I'm not saying there won't sometimes be a cost, or that your path won't be harder, but I promise you that there's something about nailing one's flag to the mast which is liberating. I have been called racist for my critique of BLM. I have been called a transphobe for not accepting that men and women are identical and that a person can simply flit from one to the other. It would be easier if I remained quiet, but when too many people remain silent it allows the voices of unreason to go unchecked. And if we do that for long enough a time comes when we all pay a price. Say what you want about me, but you'll never have to wonder where I stand. I will tell you. But here's the thing; do not simply expect me to accept ideas and ideologies that are demonstrably false. I reject the whole concept of structural racism because the facts do not support it. I reject some of the more absurd claims coming from the trans community for the self same reason. On race, I'm vanilla Martin Luther, judging somebody by the content of their character rather than the colour of their skin. On gender, I have no issue if a biological male / female wants to live as the opposite sex. Good luck to you and much health and happiness. I do object to attempts to undermine the rights of biological women (Its never men, is it?), and have deep concerns at some of the bullying and cancellation tactics routinely deployed by radical trans activists. I won't stand for it. Neither should you. From time to time some sensitive little flower will take offence at my positions. I am harming minority communities. I am increasing hostility. I reject this. If something is true then it must remain so. And a persons capacity to feel offended isn't much of an argument, is it? And finally, some of you reading this are the cowards that I have referred to in other posts. Staying silent when you should speak up. Taking the easy road. I would encourage you to reflect on this. To be a bit braver, a bit more willing to speak out. The term coward is a strong word but I suggest that it is the correct one. So step out of the shadows and be passionate about the things that matter to you. The world might sometimes push back but so what? And as always, always be sure to critique the idea and not individuals. Don't be cruel when being honest is enough. Don't seek to belittle, but simply to shine the light of reason on bad ideas. Some might still smear you but these efforts will crash up against the harbour walls of reality. In closing, I can only really defer to the timeless words of Christopher Hitchens, whom we lost back in 2011. He offered the following counsel."Seek out argument and disputation for its own sake; the grave will supply plenty of time for silence"

I Think I Might Be An Anti Feminist

I adore women. I truly do. They have so many qualities that this world so dearly needs. Compassion, stoicism, intellect to name but three. Yet I will never be a feminist. Confused? Don't be. It's just when i interact with real feminists it seems that not many of them are actually happy. They want it all and think that it is a realistic expectation, when the sad truth is, irrespective of whether you are a man or a woman life is abrim with compromise. Trade offs are everywhere. You can only do so much. I see little value in trying to shoehorn too much into too little, and it strikes me that feminism is nothing if not exhausting. Another gripe i have is that sometimes i see a certain type of feminist that appears committed to exhibiting the worst excesses of the worst kind of men. What's that about? What's to admire about that? I often think many women are blind to the actual real world power that they already have should they choose to deploy it. Men are easy to beguile and intoxicate, and it's no mystery that many of the most successful women have that ability in spades. Is it preying on the predictable weaknesses of men? Perhaps. Is it exploitative? Sometimes. But it is a gift most of you were freely given and, deep down, most guys adore that feature anyway but just won't admit it to themselves. Ok so maybe I'm just projecting my own version of fantasy onto the modern world, but this is my blog so I can. All I am suggesting is that women are already powerfully equipped to conquer, and the best one's do so on a daily basis, leaving most men ignorant to the fact. You're mostly smarter, and less beholden to dangerous excess. The world is already your oyster in so many ways. So when I encounter prickly women who bemoan that the cards are stacked against them I find myself quietly suspecting that they might not be tapping into their full feminine power. For my part there is no force on Earth like a woman who truly understands her own mind and steps powerfully into the truest version of herself. A women who can communicate her expectations and desires and leave those around her in no doubt of the fact. So at the risk of being dismissed as sexist or condescending (like i'd care) perhaps I can encourage each and every lady who is reading this to step a little more into themselves. Don't apologise for who you are or think that you have to be submissive and accomodating all the time. You don't. You never did. And it shouldn't take a world weary fool such as me to remind you.

#amberturd

That is an actual hash tag doing the rounds on Twitter right now. It of course refers to Amber Heard and her dubious decision to leave, ahem, human fecal matter in Johnny Depps bed. You heard that right; she quite literally deposited one of her very own turds as a gift for the guy. Now I've heard that sometimes lovers sprinkle rose petals or leave small tokens of appreciation for their loved one, but this is a new take for me. She actually blamed a small dog when confronted by a bemused house maid. I confess to being tempted to google search the difference between human and canine poops but self control, for once, cautioned otherwise. without wanting to belabour this trial, to describe it as a shit show would appear to have not only a literal but also a figurative sense two it. These are two deeply flawed people who, for whatever reason, ignited each others most unpleasant traits. Nobody emerges the winner from this and the reputational harm to both parties is immeasurable. Of the two I expect Depp to come out the better. He presents as a frail and enigmatic charachter. Fame combined with a challenging upbringing has clearly morphed him into a bit of a lost soul. As for Amber, I am not sure how to asses her. There appears to be a quite tangible conflict raging within. She is an abuser, and she clearly knows how to manipulate and play to the crowd. If I'm being honest it is the false victimhood that is the most unsavoury aspect to me. She was the primary predator but presented to the world as the afflicted victim of Depps impulsive traits. As you know I loathe that victimhood is now something many aspire to in todays world. There's actually a thing known as the victim heirarchy that often gets mentioned, and it basically works thus; take an older white man like me. We are at the very bottom of the victim heirarchy due to our skin colour and privilage. Up through the heirarchy we find women, people of colour, minority groups. So if you are, for example, a black trans muslim female then you've struck gold. You are the ultimate victim material, and your currency is sky high. Am I allowed to die a little inside at the thought of this ridiculous concept? Can I gently suggest that claiming victimhood is a frankly awful way of gaining social credibility? Victims come in all shapes and forms, and there will be times in all our lives when we've had a raw deal. Might I suggest that whilst we will sometimes find ourselves the victim, living in a perpetual state of victimhood is a horrible and corrosive idea. Anyways, back to this insane trial. Amber Heard is likely never to work again in showbiz after this is done even if the case goes in her favour. I hope she can find a way to make something of her life, and more importantly address some of her less favourable traits. As for Depp I predict a renaissance, although whether this is deserved is not something I am clear about. As I check in on this trial I see a relationship so far removed from my own that I am left perplexed. Why seek to harm those we purport to love? What end does that achieve? Could a winner ever emerge? The older I get the less I understand the world. I was kinda hoping it would be the other way around

The Core Of Me

Around a quarter of a century ago i was sat in the office of my then managing director. I forget the reason why. I was asked what I wanted from my life, or a question along similar lines. I replied "I want to live my life without doing so at the expense of other people." To this day I do not know whether this was what he had been expecting to hear, but he was impressed. As I think back I am clear that nothing has changed. I do not expect to have anything handed to me, or to be given unfair advantage over others. I expect to have to work hard everyday and feel strongly that respect must be earned and never assumed. Quite why I am thinking about this today is unclear to me. Perhaps I'm just going through a reflective stage? Suffice to say that the principles I held then I still hold. They exist like a plumb line running down the centre of my life. In so many other ways I have changed however, yet I remain fiercely loyal to the importance of honesty and truth. I do not worry too much whether people actually like me, but I would hope that they know that when I speak they can expect me to be truthful. People who build a web of lies around themselves must live lives of constant anxiety. Always having to remember the narrative, always at risk of saying something which blows the whole charade wide open. No, I cannot live this way. It's corrosive from the inside out. Another thing I've been reflecting on is about those times I have been wrong. I mean there's no shortage. I expect I shall continue to be wrong about a great many things, but just so long as I'm on a path that leads me to eventually being right then I'm fine with that. I'm not one to avoid controversial issues either because I find them fascinating. These days they are sometimes referred to as 3rd rail subjects. The 3rd rail is the one in the centre of the railway line which electrocutes you should you lick it or pee on it. I do not suggest you test this theory. One thing I sense is that there is a lot of fear about controversial issues. Be critical of scams like BLM and you are racist. Dare to suggest that biological men cannot be women and you are a transphobe. Hot potatoes to be sure, but when we cower from them it empowers the zealots, and that's a road that leads nowhere good. To sum this up the message of this blog is as follows; seek to do no harm, and have no fear of being wrong, and be brave. Talking of the latter, you do realise that just talking about being brave is not actually brave. The only way to be brave is to do brave things. Just as the only way to have a clear conscience is to live truthfully and without deceit. These are not mere concepts; they are conscious choices that we all have to make. Now I'm not a wise man but this much I know. Never lose the hunger of discovery. Discovery about yourself, about others, about the way they world is. Try not to carry too much fear with you because that's baggage you just don't need. And beyond that try to enjoy the journey, which as you shall discover is so brief and so precarious. And help other's to enjoy it, too.

The Lonely Dreamer

I have recurring dreams. The details are unimportant but the theme is constant. Or should I say the feelings they evoke. Lonliness. Deep, abyssal lonliness. This might strike you as odd because I am happily married and have a good family, and its taken a while to figure out what lies at the heart of this. Before leaving the Christian faith back in 2007 I was surrounding by a large circle of friends. A community of people whom I loved and with whom I shared some of the best times of my life. When my faith began to crumble, as the avalanch of implications of what needed to be done dawned I knew very well that I would lose the overwhelming majority of these friendships. Not through acrimony, you must understand. But when a person loses faith they become a toxic brand and it is neither kind nor appropriate to remain around those who still retain those beliefs. I would be a corrosive presence, a constant reminder. It would not have been cool to hang around on the fringes like some groupie. So I didn't. I withdrew. And the grief of doing this never really left. These were the kindest and most genuine bunch of people I had ever broken bread with, to coin a Christian term. Good friends. Real friends. The very last thing I want would be to despoil their faith with the crushing doubts that had destroyed mine. So there I was, aged 36 and essentially beginning again. Those early years were a storm of conflicting emotions. I knew I had made the right decision because I could no longer bare living a lie, but an emotional chasm now existed within me and I frankly did not have the energy to start all over. And this I think is the root of these dreams. In the real world I have a happy home life, so those immediate needs are met. And I have a couple of friends with whom I connect from time to time. I have no anger towards anybody, I might add. None are deserving of it. It's just that I suspect there will always be a gap and occasionally my subconscious, through these dreams, reminds me of this. This is a weird post, I know. it's just me trying to frame what can sometimes be a confusing swirl of emotions. And what I feel surely does not compare with people who are truly alone. Those who for whatever reason are truly isolated and adrift. That must be hideous. The rock legend Freddy Mercury, whom was adored by millions, once observed that you can be in a room full of people who adore you and still feel the lonliest person in the world. I think there's something to this. It's odd, a part of me feels as if I'm not entitled to speak of this. I'm not really alone. In fact anything but. There are so many who return to empty homes after a working day, or who for reasons of health or other circumstances experience very little human contact. This is true lonliness. Im comparison I feel something of a fraud. Some people are not loved. Some go years without meaningful connection. This must be a bleak and terrible thing.

I Got Nothing

I never thought being a parent would be easy. I mean i'm not a complete fool. I did kind of assume it was going to follow a broadly traditional plan, however. To find myself at aged 50 with one autistic adult daughter and another who identifies as trans was definitely not on my radar. Now i love them both. I'd take a bullet for them. But it really was quite a shock to realise that literally all the script was up in flames. First off there's Holly. Very high functioning on an intellectual level, to such an extent that she blew a lot of her peers academically out of the water, and this at a grammar school. To look at her you'd see a beautiful albeit quiet soul, and you'd have no idea what's going on inside. Her autism is a sensory storm swirling within her. Sound, smell, light, vibration, everything amplified to the max and making even the simplest things near impossible. It strikes me as cruel that a brain of that power has to fight this constant war of attrition. Not that the universe cares about that. She's so brave, and she's still figuring out what she can cope with on a day to day basis. A full time job likely won't work, so there are so many unanswered questions. Then there's Leo, birth name Lowenna in case you were wondering. Identifies as trans, veering from masculine to feminine depending where she is on any given day. Openly gay and totally at peace with it. That one has such a big heart and a sense of humour not unlike my own. Yet she too has more than her share of emotional challenges, and she can veer in various directions dependent on ambient factors. And then there's me, the stereotypical clueless father, trying to figure out what I can do to help them be the people they feel they must be. And you know what? I havent got a clue what i'm doing. I feel helpless, perplexed, just a weed blowing in the wind. I wish I had answers, but I got nothing. I am literally devoid of wisdom. So i just do what Dads are meant to do. Go to work, pay the bills, trying to gain whatever understanding I can along the way. Truth is, and I know this won't be popular, I'm really not enjoying this much. I'm so far out of my depth that I couldn't tell you where the bottom is or if we've even reached it. I've literally got nothing, which is a hard thing to admit. I'm getting these thoughts down and sharing them because I bet other parents have these feelings to a greater or lesser extent. We're not meant to admit these things, are we? It's kept quiet, out of sight so as not to offend. Perhaps it is just me but i seriously doubt it. And the only strategy I have is to just keep going. Just plough on through the emotional quagmire until we reach something close to solid ground. Right now I have no idea what that looks like. I'm about as clueless as i ever been, and for me that's saying something. So if you see me and i'm not overly personable please don't take it to heart. I'm probably distracted by all the eggshells and tripwires that seem be everywhere i look.

The Peculiar Tale Of Joe Rogan

Have any of you been following the Joe Rogan controversy over recent days? For those unfamiliar, Joe Rogan is the worlds largest podcaster with an audience 10 times the size of most mainstream media outlets. Nothing about what he does is cultured; he just sticks on a camera and spends 3 hours talking with people from all sides of the spectrum. And some of these figures are controversial, with dubious views, none more so than two medical professionals who recently dared question the narrative on vaccines. I've said it before but I will repeat it; I'm triple boosted and pro vaccine, but I expect there are cases where it may have adverse outcomes for some. It's ok to talk about this. We're big enough boys and girls aren't we? Anyways, Rogan has been podcasting for years and has thousands of hours of material, and by his very nature he is rough around the edges. He's smart but not an intellectual, and he has a wonderfully enquiring mind. He doesn't do a whole lot of research before he has guests on, so the resulting discussions are organic with him often learning in real time. He get's it wrong from time to time, as he will be quick to admit, but it is this authenticity which has garnerned him an audience that is so vast. And the mainstream, or as I now refer to them legacy media do not like this. They do not like this to such an extent that it has now been identified that Rogan has been targeted by a Democratic activist group, who have initiated a calculated and phased smear campaign against him. First they accused him of vaccine misinformation and putting lives at risk, and when that didn't stick they put together a professionally edited compilation of him the using the "N" word during the course of his career. Bare in mind that he was was simply quoting rap song lyrics or other people for the most part, although in one instance he does appear to cross the line. The video that was released was solely intended to smear him as a racist, and to put pressure on Spotify to remove him. You see he'd gotten too big. He say's things they don't like. He speaks to people they don't approve of (Anybody with an opposing view) and he platforms people that they despise. So he's got to go. Only the more these Left leaning types try the bigger his audience grows, and I truly believe that this is part of a greater awakening taking place. People are getting wise to the fact that the traditional media such as the BBC, CNN, New York Times and the Independent (to name but four of a vast coalition) are essentially in the pockets of special interest groups beholden to those with political power, and usually with Social Justice proclivities. You might very well be asking what has any of this got to do with you? And the answer is everything. See, the news we receive shapes our worldview, and our worldview shapes our alliances, so you better be damn sure that the news you are getting is as free from bias or background agenda as it can be. And that, ladies and gents, is why I am raising the profile of this particular case. It is the tip of the spear when it comes to freedom of expression, which is as you know the issue which I hold above all others. Just remember, if you do not believe in the freedom of speech for those you dislike then you do not believe in free speech at all. And if you cannot see the ramifications of living in a world where the free exchange of ideas is not assumed, then you are a fool. So here's how I handle this puzzle; I simply advocate that we combat bad ideas with better ideas. I encourage conversation, disagreement, passionate and full throated. More than that, one should never be cowed by smears and bad faith actors. Twice during my time working in my current role I have been challenged for saying things or posting stuff that was deemed offensive. Twice investigated, twice absolved. And why, because I am always very careful to only be critical of ideas and never resort to personal abuse. Existing laws around free speech allow me to do this, and I understand where the line is drawn. So if I want to be critical of Black Lives Matter and label them a vile organisation I will. If I want to challenge the tactics of Trans activists who advocate policies that harm biological women then I will. I will even challenge the Police and some of the deranged examples of thought crime which have caused Officers to doorstep members of the public for saying things that don't meet the spirit of the times. And what I loath about the authoritarian Left is how much delight they take in trying to silence voices of dissent. We use the term cancel but this is too glib. It's so much more malevolent and insidious. How disgusting must a person be who wants to rob another of their voice? How pathetic and weak and tawdry? How about instead you offer ideas that are coherent, appealing, workable? That's your pathway towards advancement. So to conclude I want to raise my flag with team Rogan. I'm all in for open discourse, including the stuff I find hard to palate. I will never try to deny you a voice, or smear you because what you say doesn't mesh with my worldview. I may not like you or respect you but I recognise you have a voice. I might not celebrate your ignorance,but will defend you as you share it with the world.

Can I Really Look Forward Without Looking Back?

Whenever I look back at old blogs two things leap out. I'm reminded that I'm good with words, and also that when I blog it is something of a release valve. When I first started recording my thoughts I was still reeling from multiple life changes. The death of my father, the starting of a new job further to a horrible conclusion to the old one, and of course my loss of faith. The 3rd of these remains the most difficult and painful process I have had to work through, because it turned everything in my life upside down. You expect parents to die, and jobs change across the course of a life, but I'd assumed that my faith would be a constant source of comfort and strength. Freddy Mercury once observed that you can be in a room full of people who love you and still feel the lonliest person in the world. This is horribly true, and as I look back I don't think I have every really healed. I'm not angry anymore, though. When I first loss my faith I was a bull in a china shop, sending fragile crockery everywhere and goring anybody who came too close. I'm not proud of that, and I did much to alienate the people I had once called friends. You see when something so fundamental shifts within your life there's no way of knowing how large the blast radius will be, or how deep the scars will gouge. As I look back I am beginning to understand that many of the changes in me were not good. I think as I get older I find myself withdrawing more and more. Find it harder to make those connections which once happened so effortlessly. I was the guy you could stick in any room and I could always find a way to strike up a rapport. I was a social labrador. Everybody's friend. Nowadays I feel a lot like an island cut off from the mainland. I can get there if I wanted but the journey feels just too hard. I've let some friendships slide and stopped making an effort, and I know I am a fool to myself for doing so. And now to the weird contradiction; I still find people fascinating and compelling. I still love to listen, to really listen, and I like to understand where other's are coming from. Yet I'm reluctant to engage too much and I'm really not too clear why? Perhaps its the residual emotional fallout from years ago, a background expectation that nothing lasts and all is transient. I mean that's all true, but I think I may have taken that too much to heart. Even as I write this I find it hard to make sense of where I actually am right now. A man of contradictions, of passions sometimes misdirected. As for core values I think those remain intact; I simply want to live my life without doing so at the expense of others. I want to learn what is true and what is not. I want to be a positive force as much as this is within my power. Heck this is a wild ramble even by my standards. Being a half decent husband and father is as good a start as any, and I think I can achieve that. Trying to be gentler in my dealings with those I find a challenge. Picking the battles that really matter and letting the inconsequential stuff slide. There is literally no part of my life that I could have scripted and any master plan I may have had has long since been lost to memory. My story just kind of unfurled, which I expect is true for many of us. Do any really closely follow the path they had in mind, or are we, as I suspect, simply blown around like flotsam on a human tide? As for the future I have only outlines of where I want to go, and I expect that'll get blown around too. Perhaps that's just the way the world is, and the real challenge for all of us is how we create something of value and meaning from the debris all around us. Fun fact, whenever I start a blog I have absolutely no idea where it is going other than a few rough ideas. It's like winding up one of those clockwork toys and then placing it down on a smooth surface. It could go anywhere. It often does. That kind of sums me up. . .

Low Quality Women

Youtube is going to get me into real trouble someday. I was watching a video and the term "Low quality women" was used. This immediately fizzed into my brain and had all the makings of an incendiary blog post, so obviously I wasn't able to resist. By the way, I can already feel your heckles rising, and don't care. Just thought I should get that bit out the way. So, pet hates of yours truly, and in no particular order, include the following. There's a certain kind of women who seems to take such delight in denigrating their partner, always speaking about them in negative terms, reducing them to simple minded avatars in desperate need of guidance. I wonder why such elite women would be remaining with such a man, as clearly they lack all the requisite ability to command your respect? Above all, whenever I hear a women talking in this way its a huge red flag because it speaks directly into their own integrity. If I had an issue with my amazing lady I would raise it with her rather than belching it into a busy office. Besides, what does it say about a women who so quickly shares deep and intimate details about the person they are sharing their life with? It's a grotesque non-quality and speaks volumes. And then there's the 1st base girl; the one who's desperate for a relationship yet entirely ill equipped to actually flourish in one because they are too busy over thinking everything. Every gesture, every word, every mannerism the poor guy makes. For goodness sake you dappy moo just chill. You need the let the fella breathe. And then we can't not mention the "Because I'm worth it" girl. You're a human being and not a bloody shampoo advert, and besides just bare in mind you might not actually be worth it. You might be easy on the eye, a fine specimen by all accounts, but you're just too wrapped up in you, and that's tedious. Oh, and a special mention to the girl who say's "All the best men are taken". No no no; they are simply avoiding you. By best men I'm assuming you mean self aware one's? Clever one's? Emotionally intelligent and all that jazz? Why would such a man come within a country mile of you? I mean what's in it for them other than the obvious? Ok, I am being mischieveous with this and I am over egging the pudding. But these creatures do exist because I have happened across them down the years. Whilst today's post is mostly done with the express intent of having a laugh, I cannot help suspect that some of you reading this might see elements of yourself. If so I'm really not sure what to say. I don't know if i've done you a favour or just made you dislike me even more. Ending on a positive, if I were to offer some thoughts on what comprises a high quality women, I would place at the top of the list integrity. The best women do absolutely come in all shapes and sizes and have a certain something about them. A presence, an elegance, a confidence that comes from within and not built upon the denigration of others. Women like that take my breath away. I remain thankful that for reasons which are entirely mysterious to me I appear to have won the lottery when it comes to my better half. And I do mean better. She's civilised me (mostly) in ways that I would not have thought possible. She has made me a better man, and that ain't easy. To conclude, I will once more return to a quote from the late and legendary Paul Newman. A good looking guy and sharp as a tack. When interviewed once he was asked whether he had ever been tempted to stray from his wife, to whom he remained happily married for many years. Bare in mind that he was a real heart throb in his prime. His response has been a guiding light to me, as he simply observed, "Why would I go out for a burger when I can have steak at home?" I have nothing to add to that. . .