Monday, 12 September 2011

Relax, It's Only A Penis!

Anybody remember the film Ghostbusters? There’s this scene at the end when they’re fighting the Stay Puft Marshmallow man and the team have this discussion about what happens if they cross the beams of their guns. It would be bad. Really bad.

I think the Catholic Church feel the same way about two penis's coming too close to each other. It's like crossing the beams. It could lead to a singularity, or a black hole, or a global addiction to Ugly Betty.

There are some articles I should avoid. Today I’ve read how the Catholic Church in Scotland is speaking out against gay marriage and warning us just what a threat to the fabric of society it is. Now why should I care? I’m a heterosexual male and I don’t really have a dog in this race. It’s just that upon reading, the resulting tsunami of hypocrisy eventually became too much and now I'm just fit to burst.

Dear Catholic Church, I find myself open mouthed as I read your latest warblings. To begin with, what entitles you, as the planet’s most successful manufacturer of pedophiles, to venture any comment on any issue of morality? Frankly, I don’t think you’re best placed. And that thing you’re doing in Africa, when you teach millions of uneducated people that condoms are worse than Aids, I wish you wouldn’t do that. What I’m trying to say that you’re about as well qualified to speak on morality as Anders Behring Breivik is to speak on gun control. It just sounds wrong coming from you. And another thing, about the child abuse; I’d really appreciate it if you’d hand over the documents that provide potential evidence that might lead to the conviction of child rapists. I’m assuming you agree that child rape is bad?

Anyway, on the subject of homosexuality, what is it that get’s you so worked up? Why are the choices of consenting adults of any concern to you? Whilst I recongnise that it must be very frustrating not being able to burn people at the stake for not doing as you instruct anymore, I’m afraid I must point out that we live in a modern world. Most of us accept that men can love other men, and women other women. And we’re not too fussed about what they do between the sheets. This obsession you have with dangly bits is really going to be the end of you.

Anyway, grateful as I am for your continued willingness to self destruct, can I gently suggest that you get your own house in order before you speak into the private lives of others? You have a lot to get straight after all.


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