Monday, 1 August 2011

Here, Today, I Am

I'm increasingly resigned to accepting that the more I look at reality the weirder it gets. With this comes the unsettling realization that I'm a jumped up know nothing who has little or no understanding of how things really are. Well I say unsettling, but actually it's more motivational. There's so much cool stuff out there that I'd like to get my head around, and not enough time to do any of it justice. Example; I now know that something can quite literally come from nothing. Well, I mean almost nothing. Virtual particles at the quantum level pop into and out of existence in ways that I just cannot fathom. And also I've learned that "nothing" is less stable than "something", as bizarre as that may sound.
I've lost you already, haven't I? Ok, back to Earth. I want to know more about the way the world is? About why we're the way we are? I want to know how things got started? And how they've changed? And how we came to be so very strange? And I want to know more about the world around me today; more about the people and the technology and the places? I really am hungry to the point of ravenous to experience the full measure of what it means to be alive.
I know I want too much. I don't have realistic aspirations. I'm trying to pour too much into too small a glass. Can you blame me? I mean just look at the world, it's incredible, so diverse, so much darkness and light. I want to see, touch, hear and swim in the waters of being. I want to pop the champagne cork and let all the passions and the intensity flood out. I want to break the rules, make the rules, bend the rules. I want to love in every possible way yet have the courage to challenge what I deem foolish or wrong.
One thing I do know is that my views will change with the passing of the years, just as life will change me. People will be born and people will die, and tragically not always in the right order. I'll burn with passion, ache with grief, stand in awe and rage with fury. I will stumble and I'll fail, I'll rise and conquer, I'll have to let go of things I cherish and engage with things that I may loath. There's life everywhere I look, coming at me from all directions and never ceasing for a moment. And it will continue long after I'm gone, and one day I'll  be just a photo on somebody's mantlepiece, or a static image on a website, or a name within an archived blog. I will cease. This will end. And as I contemplate this I feel a fear in my stomach. I love being alive so much. I want to cherish every waking minute and be ever thankful. I want to hug my daughters and kiss my wife, laugh with my friends and engage with my foes.
I want it all. I'm unreasonable. Here, today, I am.

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