Friday, 26 October 2012

Facing Facts

There are times when the question, "What do I want?" is entirely the wrong one. There are times when simply asking"What is the greater good?" must take primacy. This simple distinction has helped crystallise an issue which I've been wrestling with for months. I'm not about to go into detail because that would be saying too much; suffice to say that by asking the right question I hope I've reached the right conclusion. This is going to come at a cost, and change the course of my life in a major way. And if I'm being totally honest the decision reached is one I feel I have to arrive at rather than the one I would have wanted to. All of us need to remember that we do not live our lives in isolation. Our actions, good or bad, have a bearing on the lives of others. If this wasn't the case I'd have chosen a different course, believe me. I don't think I've ever found it harder to be honest with myself; don't think I've ever wanted to change the rivers course quite so much, but facts are facts, and the facts are as follows. The thing I want to do I'm not very good at. I wanted to be, tried to be, and thrown every ounce of commitment and sweat in order to be better. Trouble is, I do not think I've developed as much as I'd hoped, or need to, and as such I've often felt more of a liability than an asset. This, please note, is excruciating from a personal viewpoint. I am used to achieving what I set out to, and I cannot remember the last time I failed to do so. I think my present dilemma is possibly a case of trying to fit a round peg into a square hole, which as we all know isn't easy. And here's the crux, my faults do not just affect me. They have ramifications; potentially very wide ones. Which is why I have to listen to reality, and why I can no longer ignore the evidence. Aside from the fact that this is humbling, I'm also left lumped with that horrible "What now?" feeling. You see, the script hasn't panned out as I'd hoped. It needs a rewrite; the next chapter needs to change. I suppose that's the thing with life isn't it? We make our plans, have our aims, and then reality brings itself to bear, imposing itself like gravity, an irresistible force never allowing you to forget that the universe doesn't just revolve around us. Is this what failure feels like? Ok, let's take stock. The last few months have changed me. I've lost some of my natural empathy, and even forgotten why I wanted to do what I do in the first place. I am a person that, by and large just likes to make people's bad days better. I like to help, to reach out and engage. And that side of me has taken a pounding recently; I've found myself caring less, becoming so focused on end results that I've lost the human touch. I see it in others and its ugly as Hell in them; I don't expect it's any prettier in me. So there you have it. It occurs to me that there's a fine line between bravery and cowardice, and I hope it's the former having more influence than the latter. I try and live my life based on the evidence, and the evidence for me has been stark. I don't think I can ignore it any more.

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