Wading Through Treacle

I am not struggling to function. I am doing the day to day things well enough. I do not feel anxious or afraid or on edge. My problem is that, for months now, I have not felt a great deal of anything. There is a spark within me but it rarely ignites, like one of those gas water heaters with the pilot light. Under normal conditions I can turn the tap and the flame roars, and I can access my creativity and drive and invention until such time that I switch the tap off. This has not happened for a while, and it is proving a challenge to reignite. In the case of a gas water heater normally a service does the trick, but I'm not quite sure what that looks like? Please note, what I am and have been experiencing is not depression. Its more of a malaise, a kind of existence where everything feels a bit harder than it was before. I of course understand this is as a consequence of a very challenging 2022. The kind of year that has been off the scale in terms of significant family events. So I understand why I feel as I do; the puzzle is that I'm not so sure what it takes to emerge from it. As things stand, I'm tinkering. Trying to make small improvements around the edges. I'm trying to discover new ways to do fitness that don't require gym membership. When I had to walk Billy I would often cover miles, which whilst not stressing my cardio threshold it did me good in so many other ways. Finding the motivation to get out is a bit of a quandary right now, but I know it is important. I have a bike which has not been used too much. I have walking boots that stare at me in disapproval, demanding to know why I have forsaken them? I haven't, of course. Its just that my get up and go has, err, well got up and gone. And whilst I do want to locate it I'm not sure where to start looking? That said, I have at least two massive hiking projects lined up for next year. I'm taking on the Ridgeway in April and I have the final 60 odd miles of the Grand Union Canal to polish off, which will take me from Blisworth up to Birmingham. Self care matters during these times in life, and I'm keen to keep my weight steady and my health levels good. In addition, I have come to realise that I have let myself become a bit faded around the edges, so I went out yesterday and bought a ton of new clothes. Self image, how we see ourselves, can massively impact our wellbeing, so I just went for it. It was a strange but fun feeling spending a lot of money on my wardrobe. Usually I take Joy out and love lavishing on her. We've had enormous fun in places like Windsor and I adore seeing her emerge from changing rooms in something amazing. On that note, our weekends away have tailed off a bit, again for reasons that are understandable. Haven't been away since late August, but we're putting that right starting from next week when we are going to a lovely Inn called The Angel in Burford, which is in the Cotswolds. At the end of the day, in life there are periods when you flourish and periods where life feels like plodding knee deep through treacle. I've been in treacle mode for longer than I would have wanted and I know this needs to change. But I know also this is a process, something that needs to be natural and not overly forced. I remain, as ever, self aware. This morning Joy and I were chatting and I felt able to tell her that I felt just a little lost and that I was struggling to chart a way forward. She of course would have known this, and she has been on this journey herself. A few weeks back, during a moment of fragility for both of us she said something that blew me away. She told me that she'd loved me for 25 years and knew every part of my body. To be known by someone, to be really known, is a rare and precious thing. To know that somebody feels that way about me should be rocket fuel to my ego, right?. Being known by someone is powerful. To be understood, to be heard, to be perceived. That's not nothing. And it gives me hope. As I have said before the world is, despite all its challenges, strange and beautiful and immense. I want to be able to apprehend that as a I once did. I want to feel alive again. And I think that I can. Its just going to take a little time.