The Devil And I

As you know, I do not hold a belief in God. This despite having been an evangelical Christian for 12 years from the age of 24 through to 36. The world to me seems to look pretty much as I would expect were it to contain no Divine presence. The more I reflect, the existence of the Devil is a far more probable thing. I mean, look at his advertising budget. Hardly a moment passes without some piece of hideousness coming to pass somewhere in the world. Usually to those most vulnerable, to those least able to defend themselves and protect those they love. Funny how those in positions of power are most protected, but then is it? Of course not, but then that's the point isn't it. In a world full of arbitrary misfortune combined with a species such as ourselves and its propensity for simple malice, this is what we would expect. Now of course I don't believe in a literal Satan, and it has long been my conviction that the deepest darkness can be found in the heart of man. Our thinking brains all have a darkness malingering, a shadow that always wants to unfurl and impact the world. To hate is easy, to love harder. To judge trivial, to forgive a challenge. It's almost as if the decks are stacked towards enticing us towards those darker places. I wonder why? And let's be honest, who has not taken a perverse pleasure in the misfortunate of someone we dislike who may have received a reckoning. We can deny it all we want but it is there, a hovering satisfaction when we deem that some kind of cosmic justice has been served. I see sufficient malice and cruelty and unkindness through the course of my work to have reached a point where I have what might be described as selective empathy. I do not care for others equally. I make no pretence over this. And I venture no apology. If a person continually persues a course of conduct that results in the suffering of others you can be damn sure that I care a lot less about him or her than I do a genuine victim. Talking of the latter, when I encounter them it reminds me that the darkness has not consumed me whole. To get alongside a victim of crime, or a domestic violence sufferer, or a person in extremis is something I consider a privilage. To walk with them, to carry a little of their load if only for a few minutes. To listen, to engage, to connect human to human. I often hear people say how they dislike dealing with the public and I find it perplexing. Granted they can drive you insane, but when you do make that meaningful connection it is special. I have never lost that feeling, and the day I do I will know that it is time to move on. Those of you seeking to deny your own darkness might want to be reminded that to do so is a fools errand. Fighting it only makes it more tempting. But you do not have to succumb. And when you have the bravery to acknowledge that shadow within you, you've taken an almighty step to robbing it of its power. We are light and dark, truth and deceipt, bravery and cowerdice, and the only real factor is the amount to which that varies from person to person. So don't lie to yourself. Don't live in denial. Do that for too long, and the darkness will consume you whole.