Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Me And My Cave

Ask me a question about evolution, or about the historicity of the Gospels, or human morality, or how stars provide the ingredients that make life possible and I could entertain or bore you for hours. Ask me how I am, however, and you're liable to get radio silence. How weird is that? Why do I find it so hard to express myself in this way? Frankly I wish I could answer that. I'm beginning to wonder whether I project myself to avoid the up close and personal stuff? I just don't know how to articulate myself when asked questions that most field routinely every day. I think half the time I don't actually know how I am because I don't monitor the minute to minute micro transactions that keep my synapses busy. Ok, that's my way of saying I don't think about it much. Only then I do;  I just can't verbalise it.
I'm confusing myself. No idea whether I'm making  sense? Am I alone in this problem? Somehow I expect not. I suspect at the moment I'm carrying some tension over some personal issues, trying to chart a path between doing the right thing, and saying the hell with it and going my own way. As a guy I often feel very trapped by circumstance; that's not to say I'm ungrateful for the hand I've been dealt. It's just that everything I do needs to factor in the effect my actions have on those around me. I, like most men, just occasionally like the idea of saying fuck it, I'm doing it anyway. Only I can't. I have responsibility, and I've made choices to commit to a certain set of life circumstances. There are times, periods like the last couple of weeks, when I really want my own space, to disappear into my cave and live my life on my terms.
Selfish? Self seeking? Self gratifying? All those things. But come on, let's opt for a bit of brute honesty here, shall we? The grass is always greener.
It isn't. I know it isn't. The grass is greener when you water it. Only right know I can't be bothered to water it. I can't be bothered to commit the emotional energy to the whole enterprise.
You guessed it. I'm in my cave. And I'm not very good at letting others in.

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