The Lonely Dreamer

I have recurring dreams. The details are unimportant but the theme is constant. Or should I say the feelings they evoke. Lonliness. Deep, abyssal lonliness. This might strike you as odd because I am happily married and have a good family, and its taken a while to figure out what lies at the heart of this. Before leaving the Christian faith back in 2007 I was surrounding by a large circle of friends. A community of people whom I loved and with whom I shared some of the best times of my life. When my faith began to crumble, as the avalanch of implications of what needed to be done dawned I knew very well that I would lose the overwhelming majority of these friendships. Not through acrimony, you must understand. But when a person loses faith they become a toxic brand and it is neither kind nor appropriate to remain around those who still retain those beliefs. I would be a corrosive presence, a constant reminder. It would not have been cool to hang around on the fringes like some groupie. So I didn't. I withdrew. And the grief of doing this never really left. These were the kindest and most genuine bunch of people I had ever broken bread with, to coin a Christian term. Good friends. Real friends. The very last thing I want would be to despoil their faith with the crushing doubts that had destroyed mine. So there I was, aged 36 and essentially beginning again. Those early years were a storm of conflicting emotions. I knew I had made the right decision because I could no longer bare living a lie, but an emotional chasm now existed within me and I frankly did not have the energy to start all over. And this I think is the root of these dreams. In the real world I have a happy home life, so those immediate needs are met. And I have a couple of friends with whom I connect from time to time. I have no anger towards anybody, I might add. None are deserving of it. It's just that I suspect there will always be a gap and occasionally my subconscious, through these dreams, reminds me of this. This is a weird post, I know. it's just me trying to frame what can sometimes be a confusing swirl of emotions. And what I feel surely does not compare with people who are truly alone. Those who for whatever reason are truly isolated and adrift. That must be hideous. The rock legend Freddy Mercury, whom was adored by millions, once observed that you can be in a room full of people who adore you and still feel the lonliest person in the world. I think there's something to this. It's odd, a part of me feels as if I'm not entitled to speak of this. I'm not really alone. In fact anything but. There are so many who return to empty homes after a working day, or who for reasons of health or other circumstances experience very little human contact. This is true lonliness. Im comparison I feel something of a fraud. Some people are not loved. Some go years without meaningful connection. This must be a bleak and terrible thing.