So Where Have All The Good Men Gone?

When I was a young man I was under the impression that being nice and working hard would get me to where I wanted to be. It took far longer than it should have to learn that only half of that equasion holds. I was a reasonably attractive young fella. I was in good shape. I was smart. And I could be VERY funny. These are all good traits, but then I went and ruined it all be being TOO nice. Nice is poison when you are trying to attract a girl, although in my defence I was only responding to what society had told me. How many mother's have told their sons that women like good men. If only I had known then that this is quite possibly the most destructive peice of advice I would ever receive. If this was the case then why did the bad boys get all the action? Why did the nice guys come last? Could it be that the equasion is wrong? Well yes and no. What your mother was actually saying is that the kind of good she was referring to comes with a few caveats. My wife Joy, an avid reader of Anne Of Green Gables (Nobody's perfect) observed that in actual fact what a women wants is a man who is baseline good but whom also has the capacity to be bad. From experience, and correct me if I am wrong ladies, but what you want is confidence and competence, with a side salad of chivalry that doesn't ever devolve into the kind of fawning niceness that bores you more quickly than most of you are willing to admit. Full disclosure, I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on what it means to be masculine in the modern world. It became evident to me that men have been the subject of an ongoing campaign of smears and disrespect that is causing many of them to withdraw. I mean why wouldn't they? If you are constantly being told how toxic you are, how YOU are the problem, and how YOU need to change, then what other outcome do you expect? I have a simple message for every person who has raised that critique of men. It's rather to the point. Fuck you. Fuck you, and the horse you rode in on. I'm not even going to waste my time wiping my arse on the intellectual toilet paper that comprises your reasoning skills. I do not like you and I do not respect you. If you are so willing to buy into this rhetoric then I'm actually a little shocked that you have read this far. I mean, there's nothing here for you. So let me nail my colours to the mast. Most men are awesome. Most men are not toxic. Most men want to become better versions of themselves and aspire to be decent father's and husbands and sons. And to the women who constantly bleat about the absence of good men please know that your IQ is in need of a steroid injection. It's not where it needs to be. Sure, there are some assholes out there who don't have a great deal to offer, but the problem is, thanks to YOU all the guys have been swept into the same societal basket. You've applied a one size fits all, reductionist mantra to a whole demographic. Congratulations Einstein, you're the proud owner of the reasoning skills of a cat turd. Now to the guys out there. To those who have so many qualities and yet remain so undervalued. Hold up your head and stick your shoulders back. Take a deep breath and stop believing this nonsense. You have hopes and aspirations. Chase them. You have skills and positive traits. Hone them. But perhaps most importantly, its time for you to drown out the noise. There's a whole world out there to conquer, and with some determination and sacrifice, sprinkled with the occasional spoonful of good luck, you can be a success. I would advise you to avoid the kind of women that brings nothing to the table, or who comes with a set of unreasonable demands whilst simultaneously offering nothing that is going to make you better. And should you meet a higher quality women be aware that they are not perfect either. Nobody is. But the time has come for men to push back against the rank stupidity that now appears to be leaking into all areas of our discourse. We need to stop listening to fools, and to start putting time and the effort into being the most polished and complete versions of ourselves that we can. You world owes you nothing; you only owe yourself. And as for this whole good man mantra, well I suppose there is a place for it, but I'd argue its a luxury belief and should only be considered when you've got yourself to where you want to be. None of what I am suggesting requires you to be unkind or capricious, by the way. I consider both those things to be weaknesses. But you are going to need inner strength, and some real resolve, and perhaps be willing to make some sacrifices in order to succeed as you desire. I would suggest that most things of any real meaning take time to achieve. I mean, isn't that what gives them their value?

The Slow Death Of Hope

Don't be mistaken when you read this. Don't think I'm experiencing some existential struggle. I'm simply putting into words some of my personal reflections over recent months. It has occurred to me that I have been in something of a malaise. Struggling to redefine my purpose now that I have two adult kids. This is odd to me as it is not as if I never saw it coming. I had hoped that once certain milestones had been reached I would be able to lean into other aspects of my psyche, explore parts of myself that just got filed under the category of "Maybe one day". Admit it, you've probably done similar. Only then you learn the bleak truth that whilst this can be done, so much depends on the willingness of other's to walk with you in this journey. See, it get's tricky then, because we're not all on the exact same timeline, and we've all got lives full of stuff that you can't just shove to one side to create a new reality. Being a human can be a bit like being a giant tanker ship, which is to say when you've spent years ploughing certain routes the process of turning the ship around isn't the cake walk you might suppose it would be. I'm 52 years old, and in pretty good shape. My body is fit, my mind is agile, and I'm bursting with ideas of how I want to be moving forward. But I also have commitments and responsibilities so I cannot simply switch from one mode into another. If you've read my blog over the years you will note that I often use the term "Being the truest version of yourself". We all have that desire, but if you're a measured and reasonable soul you have to acknowledge that all our personal needs and desires have to be measured against the needs of those closest to us. So I find myself in this weird halfway house. I want to be available to my kids, both of whom are shaping into remarkable young people, and of course my core responsibility is towards my wife Joy. Am I meeting her needs? Am I speaking her love language? Am I willing to lean into the things that matter to her so that she can flourish? And if not why not? What would be stopping me? You know what, I have come to realise that sins of omission are a brutal, crushing force that can destroy all hope. It's crushing because it isn't born of malice, but rather unwitting neglect. Without going into detail I have, for the longest time, carried with me certain hopes. Many discussions have hinted that there are undiscovered pathways to reinvention that can be walked in tandem, but at what point do you simply acknowledge that the reality and the rhetoric are destined not to converge? Pro tip; never, and I mean NEVER judge a person by their words. Words are often used to buy time, as a deflection. Only judge people by what they actually do, or not do. By these metrics you will learn whether they mean what they say or are simply diversions. So what to take away from all of this? Well in my case this is the great question that I have yet to resolve. I know that continuing as I am would be the equivalent of a long, slow death. The hope ebbing from me as I decline into that life of quiet desperation so many men have succumbed to through the ages? Am I really going to be one of those pitiful creatures? Destined to watch my hopes and dreams gurgle down the plughole of practicality? I have no answer right now, but if some good comes from this I am determinded not to be an obstacle to others. If I can meet I need I will. If I need to learn and research something to better understand it I will absolutely do this. The thought of actively contributing to the misery of another when I have the power to alleviate it is horrifying to me. That's a road I cannot walk.

Route One

I try to keep up with the news. I try to use reliable sources. I rarely know who or what to trust anymore. How did it come to this? We now inhabit a world where apparently men can become women and vice versa, where phrases such as "minor attracted person" are used instead of peadophile, and when 65 percent of young men have checked out of dating because the costs outweigh the benefits. Jeez, its like everything has turned upside ass backwards. And here I am, trying to make sense of the non sensical, looking out onto a landscape where all my reference points are gone. I ask myself, how do I chart a path through this? What balance do I have to strike? And then I realise that this is a pointless consideration as I'm hard wired to be only one thing. Genuine, direct, devoid of window dressing. That's who I am at my core. There's no pretence or machiavellianism. It's route one and all I know. Perhaps I can be too blunt on occasion, too inclined to wash past peoples sensibilities. Yet I just don't see another way? I am this particular kind of human, raw and imperfect and unrefined. And I understand why this isn't to everybody's taste, I really do. I know I can be hard to be around. I know that I lack finesse. But ask yourself, what is it you actually want? Someone who's going to pander and not challenge you and simply reinforce everything you already know? Or somebody who respects you sufficiently to pursue an honest engagement? Now personally I avoid people who take the easy option because I think this lacks courage. And anybody who's read this blog know's that I have a low threshold for cowardice. In many ways I think cowardice is what got the world to this point. We allowed delusional thinking to go unchecked in the name of diversity and equity. We took a softly softly approach and allowed some crazy ideas to take root and flourish. We gave our kids way too much freedom; we affirmed when we should have said no, and in so doing we have raised the most fragile and insecure and entitled generation humanity has ever produced. When adults allow kids to dictate to them it is a recipe for disaster. Kids don't have fully developed brains. Its all impulse and instant gratification and self centred thinking. And if you let that embed what you end up with is an entirely useless human being, fragile and ill equipped to deal with all the challenges that life will present. You know what? I'm not sure whether anybody is going to read this or whether I have struck any chords. I'm writing this solely through my own lens, which has become weary and just a little fed up with what I am seeing unfold. So here's my suggestion. We all have a finite number of years on this planet, and we have a choice as to how we navigate the road. By my end I want to look back and be able to say that I always tried to be the truest version of myself. I never compromised my values for popularity and I never tried to be something that I'm not. Can you say that? Do you want to be able to? Well you can,and frankly the time to start this journey is now.

Modern Relationships & Why It's Never Been A Better Time To Be A Cat

Meowww. Sorry, I need to speak your language. My name is Tiddles, and I'm a 3 year old Tabby cat. Rob has kindly invited me as a guest blogger because he felt my take on modern relationships was coming from a unique angle. So here goes. I've noticed that as a cat the choices of female owner to me has never been greater. There are women, mostly in their 30's and upwards, who are literally falling over themselves to take me into their home and treat me like royalty. According to my dad, Ginger, it never used to be this way. Not so long ago women rarely had time for us because they'd be spending it with other two legged creatures that looked like them. What's the name? Oh yeah, men. Us cats barely got a look in, but times have been changing. Sometime a while back there was this thing called feminism that people started talking about. Like many ideas it started out for the right reasons, meant to empower women to have a voice and freedoms hitherto unavailable to them. Only like a lot of good ideas it got corrupted by some really zany women, and for some reason we reached a point where "Being a woman" meant little more than having the worst qualities of the worst kind of men. In fact, the real men became the butt of the joke. They got shamed for being masculine, for wanting to protect and provide and take care of women. They were told by boss babes that they were surplus to requirements, an ancient remnant of an old idea long past its prime. Only it got worse, because should a women enter into a long term relationship with a man they had literally ALL the power, and should things go south men would be left in a hole. I hear that on average women initiate 80 percent of divorces, with that rising to 90 percent when the female is college educated. Given that the courts skewed heavily in favour of them men would frequently be left financially crippled, and oftentimes with little or no access to their kittens. Sorry, I meant kids. This isn't my first language. The dating landscape became a hellscape for men, with everything stacked against them. And for a while nothing changed, but a few years back a strange new trend began to emerge. It seemed that men became increasingly cautious of entering into relationships because the risks around it outweighed the positives. Modern women, lazy in their own sense of entitlement, were literally bringing nothing to the table. They would have unrealistic expectations, and would frequently weaponise sex and use it as a bargaining chip in order to keep men compliant. Some men, the weaker one's just accepted this because they had been conditioned to do so. But the smarter one's, the self aware one's, the capable one's began to see that modern women had absolutly nothing to offer. Young men in their early 20's who were just starting to achieve began to realise that if they picked the wrong specimen then if things soured the female would emerge from the relationship with the vast majority of the resources. The home, the money, the kids. And the penny dropped for men, and the clever and self aware one's began to apply an abundance of caution to their dating rituals. They began to recognise the red flags, and some of them just straight up checked out of the dating game, choosing casual non commitment or often no relationship at all. Which is where being a cat comes in. You see, given that the good guys are checking out then it leaves a void. So cats like me just stepped in and offered these lonely and embittered spinsters the love they weren't getting elsewhere. Well, I say love, but as a cat all I'm really interested in is the quality of the food, easy access to cat nip, a warm bed and a wide choice of neighbours gardens to shit in. But the women don't know this. Actually, some do, but they put up with it. So this guest blog is really to sound the siren to all those cats out there looking for a good home. Now the real men have gone we need to be stepping in and giving these women what they need. And we need to be quick about it because there are already signs these women, albeit slowly, are starting to sense things aren't how they used to be. You hear them complain that men aren't approaching them. I hear them crying into their cheap wine bottles about how all the good men are taken, They haven't quite figured out that the good men aren't taken but simply avoiding the kind of "empowered girl boss" these women aspired to be. So step up cats of the world. There's a void to fill. There's cat nip and cosy beds and legs to rub against. Let's do these sad old spinsters a solid and give them a few crumbs of comfort. They never need to know that we don't really care. . . .

Are the LGB backing away from the TQ?

I spend some time on Twitter, or as it is otherwise known the "Digital Town Square. A place where people come and discussions are had, and it can be a wild suburb. Over recent weeks I've been seeing something that has intrigued me, and I wanted to think aloud about it. I'm seeing a lot of comments from the LGB community apologising for the behaviour of the TQ cohort. They are telling us not to judge them on the antics of the latter group, and insisting that the majority of LGB people just want to lead normal and productive lives. Reading this made me sad. Why should a group of people who happen to be gay feel they need to apologise for the actions of a group that does not speak for them? I mean, most of us can tell the difference between a person who happens to be gay and those for whom everything is seen through the lens of identity. The LGB community fought long and hard for deserved acceptance, so I'm wondering if there is some anxiety around whether these rights could now be at risk given the behaviour of some very vocal elements of the trans community. My suspicion is that most of the trans community probably feel the same as those LGB voices I refer to. Horrified at what a radical cohort is up to. Just wanting to be left alone to be the truest version of themselves. I mean, isn't that what everybody wants? Well apparently not, at least not if you've been watching the news of late. My instinct, and that's all it is, is that many of us share the same confusion as to how the extremists came to such prominence. Advocating for gender therapy for very young kids is a hugely controversial area. Putting kids on puberty blockers and providing sometimes irreversible surgeries at an age when they will be, for the most part, lacking the cognitive capacity to make informed decisions. Now statistics tell us that the most vulnerable group here are autistic kids and those suffering from gender dysphoria. I've got skin in the game here as I have one kid who is autistic and another who has experienced gender dysphoria and who identifies as non binary. Consider for a moment that around 87% of the latter, by their late teens or early 20's tender to experience a reduction in symptoms, and typically just settle into being Gay, it makes clear why there is such a profound risk in starting gender therapy treatments too soon. Only it gets worse, the cocktail of drugs offered, and the surgeries undertaken can have massive complications, leaving kids permanently mutilated, and in some cases sterile and unable to experience sexual arousal. These problems do not have an easy fix. So congratulations to those who think it is a marvellous idea to allow kids to go through this in haste. You've just sterilised a shit ton of gay kids. Now do you understand why I am so vocal about these issues? Why I do not shirk in expressing my opposition? You see, I happen to think that wrecking the bodies and hopes of gay kids is generally not cool, and as a society we might want to insist that these major decisions can only be made in adulthood. Oh yeah, and for those of you who've bought the myth that its better to have a living trans child than a dead non trans one, you might want to check some of the research here. There is NO trans genocide. In the same way there NO black genocide. Pro tip, stop accepting everything you are told and actually do the hard yards to educate yourself. This will also provide the added bonus of empowering you when, from time to time, you find yourself in discussion with an advocate of what is glibly described as "Gender affirming care". Don't lose a wink of sleep when somebody accuses you of being anti trans, by the way. If you are educated on the matter it won't take long before you realise that your position is actually enabling a young and vulnerable section of our community to have the best possible chance of leading positive and fulfilling lives. It's a hard subject, and an emotive one. But we are having to face it because the wellbeing of kids is at stake. I'd suggest that's worth fighting for. None of this suggests kids should be discouraged with experimenting with their image, their perception of self etc. It's important that they can and do. It's just we need to have an awareness that certain options should be off the table until their brains have developed sufficiently to see the implications of what they desire.

You Were There - A Letter To Joy Barnes, My Wife Of 25 Years

Through the light and the dark, through laughter and sadness, through the ridiculous and the sublime, you were there. Within weeks of meeting you, this quiet and newly qualified teacher from Hemel Hempstead, I knew you were someone I could build with. Your timeless class, your gentle steadfastness, your willingness to invest in this quirky brown eyed boy from a small country town. You bet on me when many might have hesitated. You trusted me, you invested in me, you gambled on an unfinished product. On an overcast but dry day in May 1998 you floated down the aisle of a tiny church. We faced each other and took vows. We made promises to one another. For richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. We took the great leap. Now, 25 years on, I look back over time and the overwhelming sense within me is gratitude. I struck gold. I won the lottery. I'm Willy Wonka in the chocolate factory. You have loved me when I was unlovely. You have kept your promises when many would have walked. You supported me when I wrote and published my book. You had my back during the terrible year of 2007 when I lost my father, lost the Christian faith that had bought us together, and when I left the job I had once loved but that was destroying me. You remained. You held the line. You have been a magnificent mother to our two beautiful girls and have invested so much of yourself into building relationships of trust and openness and acceptance with them. They love you for it. I love and respect you for it. And as for our journey, we have changed beyond measure from the wide eyed and naive kids we were when we first started out. We've consistently aimed to improve our level of connection with each other. We've learned which buttons to press. We've learned the buttons NEVER to press. We've learned how to build each other up and affirm, and I cannot recall a single example when we have acted out of spite. We've shared beautiful views, magnificent food, and enjoyed the company of wise and engaging people, and yet at the same time we have allowed each other to grow as individuals. There is a saying that love is something that can only be given with an open hand. If that hand closes too tightly it will crush and constrict and suffocate. Your hand has always been open, Joy. I'm so grateful that I have been able to be the truest version of myself with you and that you have found creative ways to work with this. The fact that we still want to grow, still want to find out new things about each other and open new doors is an amazing thing. Joy Louise Barnes,I could spend hours listing all the ways in which you have made my life better, but instead I want to say simply the following; You are my North star. You are my moral compass. You are the quiet voice amidst the storm that always helps me reach the shore. You are the first person I want to see in the morning and you will be the last person I want to see when one day,hopefully many years from now, I close my eyes for the last time. You are, and will forever be, The Lady Of The House.

Women & Fast Food

I'm going to draw a comparision between women and eating habits. Your reaction to this will tell you a lot about yourself. What you think of me as a consequence is your business. First off, there are some amazing women in the world. Some absolute top quality heavenly creatures who, if you're a smart guy, will see a mile off. Only I'm not talking about them today. At the age of 52 I have done a lot of observing and I think I'm reasonably well placed to offer some advice to the younger guys in their 20's and 30's who are struggling with the whole relationship thing. I'm going to highlight some red flags for you, so take from this what you will. The wrong kind of women is a bit like fast food. A kebab smeared with unhealthy dressing, a proper dirty burger. Which is to say it often looks and smells amazing and, in the moment, you kind of convince yourself you have to have it. And when you first taste my God the flavour is divine. The texture as you bite down, the rush to your palate. Only you realise a short time on that you feel heavier, a bit lethargic, and you get an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach that you've digested something that's not entirely good for you. It's fast food, see. Designed to give a rush rather than to provide lasting satisfaction. A bit like red flag women. These come in an equally enticing package, ticking all those sensory boxes and you convince yourself that you have to have them. Thing is, with a low quality red flag women it won't be long before they have a similar effect on you that shitty food has on your digestive system. You'll feel tired, listless, unsatisfied. A good women brings the exact opposite effect to your life, and when you are around one its actually a peaceful and enriching experience. Now boys, if you've worked in any male/female environment you will have encountered the woman who sets her standards so impossibly high that she will be out of reach for 98% of all men. You don't earn enough, you're not tall enough, you're not not meeting what you will quickly learn are a literally endless set of demands. If you ever find yourself in the company of this archetype, well for me it's "Run Forrest, run!!". Trust me, you want no part of this creature as it will bring nothing but fatigue and a depreciating sense of your own self worth. These women are corrosive, and oddly you will find that the standards they expect from you they cannot aspire to themselves. So hypocrites, too. They can also be identified with their lack of self awareness around this blind spot. They are often attractive and capable in some respects, but their involvement with you is a transaction, a kind of emotional mortgage, and lo and behold should you ever fall behind on the payments. If you're a guy just starting out and beginning to make something of yourself you might want to avail yourself with the following harrowing statistic. Women initiate between 70-80% of all divorces. 90% if they are college educated. So if you've got money and resources or anything of value behind you, you need to be very careful in your selection of partner. The wrong choice will be catastrophic as the courts are against you and you can look forward to many years of financial servitude should your "Happy Meal" decide to call time on the relationship. For another red flag I strongly suggest you listen to how a women talks about her partner when she is around other women. It's an eye opener. But when you do bare the following in mind; if this women is bad mouthing and disrespecting her guy in his absence just take a moment to remind yourself that this flappy mouthed "Kebab" actually chose to be with the man they are busy tearing down. So if they can talk like that about their supposed nearest and dearest, well just let that sink in. So be wary of women who make impossible demands which they will often refer to as high standards, and equally circumspect around the gobby one's who can't resist bad mouthing. As a bonus point I would very much remind men that the right kind of Lady will bring something, in fact numerous things to a relationship. They will have multiple qualities and being around them can be a zen experience. Contrast this with the demands of the Office Queen who demands everything, yet in return brings little other than tits and arse and legs, which incidentally they will weaponise against you as part of the bargaining process. Quick digression, in relationships women have always been the gate keepers of sex, and this is for sound evolutionary reasons because the risk is all theirs. But should you ever find yourself in an alliance in which your desire for sex is being used as a bargaining chip then I'd suggest that this is not the kind of relationship that has any long lasting appeal. Boys, it's high past time that you levelled the playing field when it comes to how you interact with the often not so fairer sex. The pendulum has swung way too far in their favour and you have allowed yourself to be rendered impotent. This is a reminder to the high quality men out there that you have a massive value of your own, an array of qualities that you should share with only the most deserving Lady. My advice, as somebody whom has been married to a very high quality specimen for 25 years is to ensure that when you commit you be damn sure, or as sure as you can be, that the person with whom you plan to spend your days has your best interests at heart rather than merely their own. And to those women seething as you read this. Those of you tempted to burn my effigy, I very much suspect I may have struck a rather tender cord? To that I say quite simply, you're welcome. . . .