Two Things

The next week or so is going to contain a couple of significant landmarks. On the 27th August it will be 10 years since I lost my father, Bligh Barnes. Out of curiosity I did a google search on him and could find only one link, his name mentioned amongst a raft of others, all of them the inhabitants of Furze lane burial grounds in Winslow. The second landmark will be on the 3rd September, which will mark my 10 year anniversary of joining Thames Valley Police. Looking back, these two disparate events converged in a really odd way. I recall spending my lunch break during the very first week of basic training writing the eulogy for his funeral, trying to sum up the life of a whole person between learning about definitions for robbery, criminal damage, rape and the like. All a bit surreal, but then since when does life owe us normal? Either way, I survived both the training and then the delivery of the actual eulogy itself, the latter undertaken at the packed St Lawrence Church in Winslow. I recall one line above the other’s that came near the end of the speech, when I essentially encouraged everybody in the Church to live as if it means something. Yet have I? Have I even come close? I know I’ve tried, and I know also that I stand by the plea. I wonder: how many of us are guilty of doing the opposite? And do we even apprehend what it means to live fully? I suppose when I try to break that down it just mean trying to be authentic, to be real. Not to try being something I’m not. That just causes more hassle than its worth. Besides, we’re all on the conveyor belt otherwise known as mortality, and let’s face it we all know the destination. Which leaves the following choice; namely how to spend that time beforehand? Well for me I want to be the version of myself that is the most real, the most genuine, the most bullshit free. I’m not interested in conforming, or even not conforming. I just want to enjoy the journey and not be bound by some unwritten code of conduct. In actual fact, I find my mind lurching back to another of my old mantras, and I can even remember when I first verbalised it. I was in the office of my former Managing Director (And best boss I have ever and will ever work for). He asked me what I wanted from life, or something along those lines. I probably reflected for about a second before replying, “I just want to live my life without doing so at the expense of other people”. And to this day nothing has changed. Not overly detailed as master plans go, but in the absence of other options. . .