I Got Nothing

I never thought being a parent would be easy. I mean i'm not a complete fool. I did kind of assume it was going to follow a broadly traditional plan, however. To find myself at aged 50 with one autistic adult daughter and another who identifies as trans was definitely not on my radar. Now i love them both. I'd take a bullet for them. But it really was quite a shock to realise that literally all the script was up in flames. First off there's Holly. Very high functioning on an intellectual level, to such an extent that she blew a lot of her peers academically out of the water, and this at a grammar school. To look at her you'd see a beautiful albeit quiet soul, and you'd have no idea what's going on inside. Her autism is a sensory storm swirling within her. Sound, smell, light, vibration, everything amplified to the max and making even the simplest things near impossible. It strikes me as cruel that a brain of that power has to fight this constant war of attrition. Not that the universe cares about that. She's so brave, and she's still figuring out what she can cope with on a day to day basis. A full time job likely won't work, so there are so many unanswered questions. Then there's Leo, birth name Lowenna in case you were wondering. Identifies as trans, veering from masculine to feminine depending where she is on any given day. Openly gay and totally at peace with it. That one has such a big heart and a sense of humour not unlike my own. Yet she too has more than her share of emotional challenges, and she can veer in various directions dependent on ambient factors. And then there's me, the stereotypical clueless father, trying to figure out what I can do to help them be the people they feel they must be. And you know what? I havent got a clue what i'm doing. I feel helpless, perplexed, just a weed blowing in the wind. I wish I had answers, but I got nothing. I am literally devoid of wisdom. So i just do what Dads are meant to do. Go to work, pay the bills, trying to gain whatever understanding I can along the way. Truth is, and I know this won't be popular, I'm really not enjoying this much. I'm so far out of my depth that I couldn't tell you where the bottom is or if we've even reached it. I've literally got nothing, which is a hard thing to admit. I'm getting these thoughts down and sharing them because I bet other parents have these feelings to a greater or lesser extent. We're not meant to admit these things, are we? It's kept quiet, out of sight so as not to offend. Perhaps it is just me but i seriously doubt it. And the only strategy I have is to just keep going. Just plough on through the emotional quagmire until we reach something close to solid ground. Right now I have no idea what that looks like. I'm about as clueless as i ever been, and for me that's saying something. So if you see me and i'm not overly personable please don't take it to heart. I'm probably distracted by all the eggshells and tripwires that seem be everywhere i look.