The Empty Suitcase

Imagine, if you will an empty suitcase. Vintage, blue exterior, a vivid blue lining. Imagine it sat open on a chair, devoid of contents. When you see a suitcase what images does it conjur? The anticipation of a journey? The prospect of exiting times? Rich experiences? The discovery of new horizons that can be etched into our minds? Me too. Yet what happens when it is just an empty suitcase? Or when its contents have been removed. When rather than being an indicator of new adventures it simply exists as a reminder of something good that was lost, or taken, or denied? You ever feel like an empty suitcase? I have so much to say, but cannot say it. So many feelings, such a sheer face of pent up frustration. Yet to speak too loudly, or indeed at all, would be wrong. Wrong because there are some things that are better left unspoken, some things you just have to keep in. Some things that must remain enshrouded. I suspect many of you are a little confused reading this right now. Where is he going with this? What's the punchline? He normally does this when he's lining up a point he wants to make. I got nothing. Sometimes we are faced with circumstances that don't have easy answers, as much as we would like it to be otherwise. So instead I want to come at things from another way. What is one to do when life comprises of sloppy seconds? Or on the really bad days festering thirds? What happens when you have absolutely no control over an outcome? Well I guess then the question becomes one of damage control. How to make a thing less bad, or reduce harm? Of course there are some in life who make no such concessions and who will lash out at all and sundry when they realise that the world isn't going their way, blind to the fact that there was never any promise that it would. I have learned this year that sometimes saying nothing, whilst not typically my way, is the right thing to do. The kind thing to do. I'm in a situation where the decisions of other's have had a massive, and I mean game a changing impact on my life, and I am trying to navigate this in a way that doesn't create a greater harm. I don't ever wish harm on other's. I'm not so made. I've never sought vengeance or retribution as that only further poisons the well. I'm glad about this. I'm just not the kind of guy who revels in causing distress. I once told a former boss that I never want to live my life at the expense of other people. That remains so. Which means that the path forward for me is about finding the way to forgiveness. There it is. I've just discovered the point I had no idea I was going to make. Forgiveness is a balm that can cure many of life's ills. It is liberating. It is life giving. It's also bloody hard. And I put to you that it is not always a linear path. Somedays you won't feel like forgiving because you're all wound up in the tidal flow of your own feelings, and these can be overwhelming. So the thing to remember is that forgiveness, much like love, is an act of the will. It is a choice, an often raw and rough commitment to moving beyond the mealstrom of our own emotional voyage. In your life people will cause you harm. Sometimes it is deliberate, but often it will be a by product of struggles they themselves were going through. Sometimes you might just end up as collateral damage as they are trying to centre themselves. Which is to say tread lightly. We live in a world inhabited by a lot of lost souls who walk their own path, and they have struggles and dilemmas that may be invisible to you. Forgiveness is hard, and anger is the easier impulse. Fuck, I sound like Yoda. But you get my drift, right? Sometimes the hard thing is the right thing, in fact the only thing that is going to move you forward. So that's the choice we all must make when all is said and done. Are we going to stampede through life like angry bulls amidst the china? Or is there a time for just enduring, for dealing with the harm in a quiet and dignified way. In closing, I want to give you some homework. Imagine or revisit a time when you were faced with this. Ponder on how you responded. Did you get it right? Would you do it differently given another chance. Only you have the answer to that . . .

What You Actually Signed Up For . . .

I have been a married man for 26 years. It has been a mostly positive experience. For this reason I dare to suggest that I have a few pearls of wisdom I might be able to share about what it actually means to make a lifelong commitment. Full disclosure; I write this on the back of a year when for long periods I have simply wanted to be living alone on a canal boat away from the rest of the human race. There. Said it. And no, I won't be sharing personal details, but suffice to say the idea of being a lone wolf has long held an appeal to me. Kids are grown up, and there's a degree of financial resilience, so in theory I could take this route. So why don't I? Well, it's simple really. When you sign up for marriage you sign up for the good and the bad. You sign up for when that person is at their best. You sign up for when they are weak, vulnerable, or actively disengaged and indolent. In short, you signed up for ALL of it. And that realisation has, quite honestly, been the one thing that has helped me keep my shit together. Or just about. You know what, I have probably struggled with my personal wellbeing more than I have ever done this year. I'm having to die to parts of myself and abandon various hopes and let me tell you, the grief of it is quite something. I am, however, nothing if not robust when it comes to mental strength, I just keep going, pushing on and pushing through, and from experience I have discovered if you can wade through the darkness there is a pathway through. A time does come when it all gets a bit easier, and it all starts to look a bit more normal again. Another thing that can also catch you unawares is the degree to which people can change over the years. Often this is a good thing and frankly a necessary thing, but as a couple there are times when you will look at each other and the person looking back feels like a stranger. Who are you? You are unrecognisable? Truth is, that's probably an indicator that you haven't been paying as much attention as you might have wanted to. Now as a man, especially an experienced man it will always be the case you will come second to your kids and her friends, and sloppy seconds just becomes a way of life that you need to be ready for. Please know that I say this without any bitterness, and I've spoken to enough married men to know that this is a near universal experience. We are providers. We are the meal ticket. We're a bit like the water in the taps. You kind of take it for granted until it isn't there.Does all this sound negative? Perhaps. But the reason I write is to express where I am on the map. It is raw and unfiltered and authentic. Now to a question I find myself asking; if I were to be asked by a young man whether he should be getting married today what would my answer be? Can I wholesale urge him to take the plunge? Can I do this in a world when between 70-80 percent of women initiate divorce proceeding and then make off with the home and kids and quite probably half the man's pension? In all honesty, given the current "market conditions" I would urge extreme caution. Laws need to change. The playing field needs to be made a lot fairer as men are simply getting skinned alive and left in financial ruin. Yet for those of us who have been married a long time I can only point out that, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, you signed up for ALL of it. So hunker down, make best, and take whatever steps you must to stop the light of hope from flickering out. If, having read this, there are any men out there who want to chat please do make contact. Don't be one the vast number of men who live their lives in quiet desperation. It doesn't have to be this way. . .

So Where Have All The Good Men Gone?

When I was a young man I was under the impression that being nice and working hard would get me to where I wanted to be. It took far longer than it should have to learn that only half of that equasion holds. I was a reasonably attractive young fella. I was in good shape. I was smart. And I could be VERY funny. These are all good traits, but then I went and ruined it all be being TOO nice. Nice is poison when you are trying to attract a girl, although in my defence I was only responding to what society had told me. How many mother's have told their sons that women like good men. If only I had known then that this is quite possibly the most destructive peice of advice I would ever receive. If this was the case then why did the bad boys get all the action? Why did the nice guys come last? Could it be that the equasion is wrong? Well yes and no. What your mother was actually saying is that the kind of good she was referring to comes with a few caveats. My wife Joy, an avid reader of Anne Of Green Gables (Nobody's perfect) observed that in actual fact what a women wants is a man who is baseline good but whom also has the capacity to be bad. From experience, and correct me if I am wrong ladies, but what you want is confidence and competence, with a side salad of chivalry that doesn't ever devolve into the kind of fawning niceness that bores you more quickly than most of you are willing to admit. Full disclosure, I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on what it means to be masculine in the modern world. It became evident to me that men have been the subject of an ongoing campaign of smears and disrespect that is causing many of them to withdraw. I mean why wouldn't they? If you are constantly being told how toxic you are, how YOU are the problem, and how YOU need to change, then what other outcome do you expect? I have a simple message for every person who has raised that critique of men. It's rather to the point. Fuck you. Fuck you, and the horse you rode in on. I'm not even going to waste my time wiping my arse on the intellectual toilet paper that comprises your reasoning skills. I do not like you and I do not respect you. If you are so willing to buy into this rhetoric then I'm actually a little shocked that you have read this far. I mean, there's nothing here for you. So let me nail my colours to the mast. Most men are awesome. Most men are not toxic. Most men want to become better versions of themselves and aspire to be decent father's and husbands and sons. And to the women who constantly bleat about the absence of good men please know that your IQ is in need of a steroid injection. It's not where it needs to be. Sure, there are some assholes out there who don't have a great deal to offer, but the problem is, thanks to YOU all the guys have been swept into the same societal basket. You've applied a one size fits all, reductionist mantra to a whole demographic. Congratulations Einstein, you're the proud owner of the reasoning skills of a cat turd. Now to the guys out there. To those who have so many qualities and yet remain so undervalued. Hold up your head and stick your shoulders back. Take a deep breath and stop believing this nonsense. You have hopes and aspirations. Chase them. You have skills and positive traits. Hone them. But perhaps most importantly, its time for you to drown out the noise. There's a whole world out there to conquer, and with some determination and sacrifice, sprinkled with the occasional spoonful of good luck, you can be a success. I would advise you to avoid the kind of women that brings nothing to the table, or who comes with a set of unreasonable demands whilst simultaneously offering nothing that is going to make you better. And should you meet a higher quality women be aware that they are not perfect either. Nobody is. But the time has come for men to push back against the rank stupidity that now appears to be leaking into all areas of our discourse. We need to stop listening to fools, and to start putting time and the effort into being the most polished and complete versions of ourselves that we can. You world owes you nothing; you only owe yourself. And as for this whole good man mantra, well I suppose there is a place for it, but I'd argue its a luxury belief and should only be considered when you've got yourself to where you want to be. None of what I am suggesting requires you to be unkind or capricious, by the way. I consider both those things to be weaknesses. But you are going to need inner strength, and some real resolve, and perhaps be willing to make some sacrifices in order to succeed as you desire. I would suggest that most things of any real meaning take time to achieve. I mean, isn't that what gives them their value?

The Slow Death Of Hope

Don't be mistaken when you read this. Don't think I'm experiencing some existential struggle. I'm simply putting into words some of my personal reflections over recent months. It has occurred to me that I have been in something of a malaise. Struggling to redefine my purpose now that I have two adult kids. This is odd to me as it is not as if I never saw it coming. I had hoped that once certain milestones had been reached I would be able to lean into other aspects of my psyche, explore parts of myself that just got filed under the category of "Maybe one day". Admit it, you've probably done similar. Only then you learn the bleak truth that whilst this can be done, so much depends on the willingness of other's to walk with you in this journey. See, it get's tricky then, because we're not all on the exact same timeline, and we've all got lives full of stuff that you can't just shove to one side to create a new reality. Being a human can be a bit like being a giant tanker ship, which is to say when you've spent years ploughing certain routes the process of turning the ship around isn't the cake walk you might suppose it would be. I'm 52 years old, and in pretty good shape. My body is fit, my mind is agile, and I'm bursting with ideas of how I want to be moving forward. But I also have commitments and responsibilities so I cannot simply switch from one mode into another. If you've read my blog over the years you will note that I often use the term "Being the truest version of yourself". We all have that desire, but if you're a measured and reasonable soul you have to acknowledge that all our personal needs and desires have to be measured against the needs of those closest to us. So I find myself in this weird halfway house. I want to be available to my kids, both of whom are shaping into remarkable young people, and of course my core responsibility is towards my wife Joy. Am I meeting her needs? Am I speaking her love language? Am I willing to lean into the things that matter to her so that she can flourish? And if not why not? What would be stopping me? You know what, I have come to realise that sins of omission are a brutal, crushing force that can destroy all hope. It's crushing because it isn't born of malice, but rather unwitting neglect. Without going into detail I have, for the longest time, carried with me certain hopes. Many discussions have hinted that there are undiscovered pathways to reinvention that can be walked in tandem, but at what point do you simply acknowledge that the reality and the rhetoric are destined not to converge? Pro tip; never, and I mean NEVER judge a person by their words. Words are often used to buy time, as a deflection. Only judge people by what they actually do, or not do. By these metrics you will learn whether they mean what they say or are simply diversions. So what to take away from all of this? Well in my case this is the great question that I have yet to resolve. I know that continuing as I am would be the equivalent of a long, slow death. The hope ebbing from me as I decline into that life of quiet desperation so many men have succumbed to through the ages? Am I really going to be one of those pitiful creatures? Destined to watch my hopes and dreams gurgle down the plughole of practicality? I have no answer right now, but if some good comes from this I am determinded not to be an obstacle to others. If I can meet I need I will. If I need to learn and research something to better understand it I will absolutely do this. The thought of actively contributing to the misery of another when I have the power to alleviate it is horrifying to me. That's a road I cannot walk.