What You Actually Signed Up For . . .

I have been a married man for 26 years. It has been a mostly positive experience. For this reason I dare to suggest that I have a few pearls of wisdom I might be able to share about what it actually means to make a lifelong commitment. Full disclosure; I write this on the back of a year when for long periods I have simply wanted to be living alone on a canal boat away from the rest of the human race. There. Said it. And no, I won't be sharing personal details, but suffice to say the idea of being a lone wolf has long held an appeal to me. Kids are grown up, and there's a degree of financial resilience, so in theory I could take this route. So why don't I? Well, it's simple really. When you sign up for marriage you sign up for the good and the bad. You sign up for when that person is at their best. You sign up for when they are weak, vulnerable, or actively disengaged and indolent. In short, you signed up for ALL of it. And that realisation has, quite honestly, been the one thing that has helped me keep my shit together. Or just about. You know what, I have probably struggled with my personal wellbeing more than I have ever done this year. I'm having to die to parts of myself and abandon various hopes and let me tell you, the grief of it is quite something. I am, however, nothing if not robust when it comes to mental strength, I just keep going, pushing on and pushing through, and from experience I have discovered if you can wade through the darkness there is a pathway through. A time does come when it all gets a bit easier, and it all starts to look a bit more normal again. Another thing that can also catch you unawares is the degree to which people can change over the years. Often this is a good thing and frankly a necessary thing, but as a couple there are times when you will look at each other and the person looking back feels like a stranger. Who are you? You are unrecognisable? Truth is, that's probably an indicator that you haven't been paying as much attention as you might have wanted to. Now as a man, especially an experienced man it will always be the case you will come second to your kids and her friends, and sloppy seconds just becomes a way of life that you need to be ready for. Please know that I say this without any bitterness, and I've spoken to enough married men to know that this is a near universal experience. We are providers. We are the meal ticket. We're a bit like the water in the taps. You kind of take it for granted until it isn't there.Does all this sound negative? Perhaps. But the reason I write is to express where I am on the map. It is raw and unfiltered and authentic. Now to a question I find myself asking; if I were to be asked by a young man whether he should be getting married today what would my answer be? Can I wholesale urge him to take the plunge? Can I do this in a world when between 70-80 percent of women initiate divorce proceeding and then make off with the home and kids and quite probably half the man's pension? In all honesty, given the current "market conditions" I would urge extreme caution. Laws need to change. The playing field needs to be made a lot fairer as men are simply getting skinned alive and left in financial ruin. Yet for those of us who have been married a long time I can only point out that, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, you signed up for ALL of it. So hunker down, make best, and take whatever steps you must to stop the light of hope from flickering out. If, having read this, there are any men out there who want to chat please do make contact. Don't be one the vast number of men who live their lives in quiet desperation. It doesn't have to be this way. . .