The Dating Game

I may as well be honest. I was Inept.  In fact inept doesn't even begin to describe it. It's a miracle I ever dated anybody, let alone ever married and had kids. I have this problem, see. I am totally incapable of recognizing when somebody finds me charming, or funny, or attractive. I've always been everybody's mate, the guy left at the bar whilst his mates pulled, or in the dark corner of the nightclub. I think this is probably something to do with being a bit overweight as a teenager; I expect that I never understood how I could be desirable to anyone? I was the prankster, the fool, all volume and no content. I can remember the first time I had the confidence to approach a girl. I was eleven, and I bought her a box of milk tray. She accepted it with grace, but via a teacher later gave it back. I'm no fool, though, and gave the same box to mum for Mother's day a couple of weeks later. And if I did have a crush I never had a clue what to do about it? This typically resulted in me being generally idiotic when around girls, unable to string meaningful sentences together. I probably also dribbled slightly in their presence, but let's not dwell on that. When I did, by some miracle, manage to secure a date these were less than successful. One femme fatale spent the entire evening telling me how she missed her ex, whilst another, whom worked for the Samaritans, spent the whole time telling me how depressed she was, and how meaningless life could be. I don't think I caused this, but I never pushed for a 2nd date. Fast forward to now, and I can say with some confidence that should I ever find myself single I would remain clueless. You could stand directly in front of me dressed in stockings and a corset whilst holding a placard saying, "Yes, I mean you!!", and my natural response would still be to look over my shoulder. For whatever reason I'm just not good at this kind of thing. Never was. Never could be. I am to dating what Dame Edna is to fashion. I am, and will forever be, the man without clue.