Dark

It all feels so dark, doesn't it? So heavy. So unrelenting. I cannot recall a more bleak and unforgiving time in my life. I've always been able to see the positives and a way forward, but right now it is coming from all sides. Covid, War, cost of living, climate change. It's tough. Perhaps that's why I haven't been blogging so much. I'd just be reminding you of what you already know. From a personal perspective it has been a difficult year, although this also is more to do with events over which I have little control. Come November I will be the father of two adult kids, which is a strange feeling. Both are good and decent humans with a moral core, but like so many younger people I sense a naievety about the way the world really is. It won't open its arms and embrace you. It won't all come together according to your precise design. Its all a trade off, with compromises and limitations at every turn. And boy, having two who are nuero diverse is really something. I often feel all at sea and completely bereft of how to help them as they figure stuff out. See, I'm a pragmatist at heart, and whilst its all well and good to say the pink and fluffy stuff that people want to hear I sometimes worry that this simply disguises how tough the world is. They need to appreciate this and I don't always know to communicate it. For me personally, I had aspirations of how I want life to be, but there's always an obstacle. Always a distraction. So I just keep plodding. I go into what I term "Meal ticket mode", which is simply to observe that I go out, I work, and try to ensure everybody close to me is provided for. I ask for nothing in return. I am just doing what I do. An automaton executing the same algorithm I have been running for years. Is this the "quiet desperation" I have heard some men speak of? Ideally I try to take myself out of the loop from time to time, going on hikes, bike rides. It just removes me from the norm and really gives me a perspective. Even that's difficult now though due to having an elderly dog who may or may not require veterinary treatment, making me reluctant to spend money on personal hobbies. I will, of course, keep on trucking, as the mantra goes. It is, after all, what I do. I laugh when I can, relax when i can, and try to ignore the shadow for a time. And I do not think these feelings are unique to me in this current landscape. We're all carrying a heavier load. We're all experiencing challenges. There's nothing unique about my story. Perhaps we all need to be a little kinder to each other. A little more forgiving. A little more understanding. Perhaps that way we all end up bearing a slightly lighter load.