Nobody Just Falls Into An Affair

Nobody. They just don't. Anybody who says otherwise is just lying to themselves and those around them. As a man who's been married for 23 years I would like to share what I have learned about these things. First, sorry to disappoint, but I have never been physically unfaithful to my wife, although I have been tempted twice. First time was in my first year working for Thames Valley, and I was alongside a women with whom there was a kind of chemistry. You know the signs; the way you bounce off each other, the ease with which you interact, the way you look forward to working with each other. She was single and I was not, and the red warning lights were everywhere, so I made a decision to transfer from Kidlington to Milton Keynes because I was going through a time when I was vulnerable myself for all kinds of emotional reasons. About those red warning lights, by the way, do yourself a favour and stop pretending you never saw them. You did. You just chose not to pay attention. I knew I was doing the right thing by removing myself from temptation but I'm not going to pretend it was easy. 2nd time was maybe 7-8 years ago, again the same chemistry and again when things weren't going great at a personal level. Bright girl, funny and geeky; the kind who's just easy to be around. Again, no physical betrayal occurred but we spoke way too candidly about sex and realised quickly that we were moving into dangerous territory. Again she was single and being around her was a buzz, which made me want to be around her more. We no longer work together and, once again, both realised that we needed to step back. So in one sense the betrayal never occurred, but then is that really true? Doesn't the deception equal a kind of infidelity in its own right? Could I have done more to avoid these interactions? I expect so, if I'm being really honest. I think most people can. I also think a lot of us choose not to and play games of self deception in order to make sense of it. Now be under no illusion that I am, or have ever been, a good man; I am a flawed and contradictory one. If I have one saving grace it is that I never actively seek to cause harm to others. On both of the occasions I mentioned I was on the edge of making really risky choices, and as I reflect I can identify a couple of factors. I was in a personal place where I was not particularly happy. I felt I wasn't able to communicate what I needed to the woman I was married to. That doesn't justify, not one iota, what I almost did, but it does place it in some context. For the record I have spoken to Joy about both instances. These were times when neither of us were particularly at peace with where we were at as a couple, which incidentally justifies nothing. Remember my reference to red lights at the start of this? Don't kid yourself about the realities here; in order to have an affair you have to go through so many of these. Life gives you ample opportunity to see the wrong you are about to do. Deny this if you like but nobody is fooled. I went through amber lights twice in 23 years of marriage and that was already too far. So why do I write about this now? Why today? I suppose there are some younger guys out there who will find themselves in a similar place. To them I can offer only one piece of worthy advice, which is not to kid yourself. You know when you're with somebody who you connect with. It feels different. There's an edge, a buzz, something causing you to fixate. You'll know it when you experience it. As for me now things are very different. I have a marriage that has been built, through hard work and lots of blind alleys, into something where we are very connected. It takes work, and it still gets hard sometimes. Largely due to men and women being different in so many ways. There are gaps to bridge and potholes to fill from time to time, but we both have a desire to keep building and refining what we have into something that is more authentic and real. It's a myth that a marriage has to grow stale. It's a wicked lie and and it doesn't have to go that way. Over the course of a life we all change, and its how we factor those changes into the relationships we form that will dictate whether they remain alive. Keeep building those bridges. Keep communicating. Don't expect your partner to know all your needs and complexities because none of us are psychic. Keep finding ways to make life together fun. Joy has a very lovely saying she will often share with me when we're struggling to make time to be the truest versions of ourselves. She'll say, "Make the most of what comes and the least of what goes". Sometimes I really don't want to hear it and would prefer to keep sulking, but I know she's right. No relationship can remain at full throttle all the time, but I think that as long as there is the desire to keep building good things into each other's lives there's hope. . .