The Man Who Knew Nothing At All

I am not a fixed point. I change. I ebb and flow. I am not beholden to any creed or system of belief, choosing instead to base my behaviour on a few simple values. Honesty is something i aspire to, even though i expect we lie to ourselves all the time. Self deceipt is acid to the soul and nobody is ever truly safe from it. I absolutely try to be as direct and real with others as i can, and occasionally my social skills come along for the ride. I am not a man of mystery, and i'm not trying to deceive you. What you see is really what you get. And because I change i might sometimes leave you a little perplexed. I'm not doing that on purpose, by the way. I'm just trying to figure stuff out. The older i get the more i realise that there's so much i dont know. I'm just fumbling around in the dark when it comes to eternal questions. I can't do conventional religious belief because that looks very man made to me. I'm open to divine possibilities and sacred spaces but I couldn't honestly tell you what that looks like. We've all had experiences that touch us in ways that are deep and profound. I'm most likely to experience this in nature. A night bursting with stars, a vision of autumnal perfection, the way in which it all fits together. One of the most complete experiences I've had was when i walked the Grand Union Canal back in September. The solitude in nature combined with observing the whole human ecosystem of the canal itself. Just a rucksack on my back as I went mile after mile, alone with my thoughts yet so aware that I was part of something larger. I'm just a man, one of several billion souls that currently inhabit our world. And what a world it is. Bruised yet bold, fragile yet resplendent, so large yet so insignificant when one looks beyond. Who knows what undiscovered miracles exist out in the icy void. The possibilities, the incomprehensible vastness of it. My mind is too small, my days too fleeting. What a privilege to have been on this journey at all. I'm very aware that this won't last forever, and since turning 50 i accept that what rests behind me likely outweighs what is ahead. This does not make me melancholy, but rather i am somewhat resolute. We all die and that is fine. As Christopher Hitchens observed there comes a day when we just have to make way. There are others coming through afterall. Sometimes I observe people and I hear them forever talking about what they want to do tomorrow. Holding out for some specific, perfect thing. An image of a young bird peeking out over the edge of a nest located high up in the trees springs to mind. Waiting. Hesitant. Holding out for the moment when all the stars align. A word to the wise, friends. There's only the now. And there's a life to be lived today. So take flight little bird. Those wings need to get stronger. Because when they are you can soar higher, further, and for longer. It's not all about waiting, you know. . .