What Are You Bringing To The Relationship - Part 2

There is a scene in the Jack Nicholson movie "As Good As It Get's", where he and the female lead Helen Hunt are sat in a restaurant as he tries to explain the effect that she was having on him. There's an awkward build up until he finally just comes out with the timeless words, "You make me want to be a better man." I would suggest to any lady that if you can get a man to say that then you're home and dry. You've got him. It's the kind of statement, when it comes from a fella, which really means something. It also happens to be how I feel, some 23 years into our marriage, about my wife. Of late I have complained to her that she has civilised me, without quite realising that she's actually done me a favour. By civilised I don't mean tamed because I don't think the average female wants a tame man, but rather I'm inclined to keep aspiring to be a better version of myself. I'm not wholly clear if there's more than one pathway to achieve this, and it may differ from couple to couple. But if you have a man at the point where he feels that way you are doing something VERY right. I realised that in my last blog I focused a lot on the negative elements I see in the kind of women who struggle to form and maintain relationships. Today I want to balance that out with what I regard as some of the positives. Now I very much admire those who can communicate their expectations, and who aren't afraid of exploring different dynamics within a relationship in order to find a beat that works. I respect a female who has the creativity to get inside the male psyche and and use the knowledge to their (and his) advantage. It's also really important that I know the wants and needs of my partner, and whilst I can intuit I can't claim to know what's going on inside her mind. When I know there's an itch I'm not scratching I'm happy to do something about that. Ladies, don't expect your men to "Just Know." because we ain't psychic. Over time we'll get a sense of what makes someone tick but that can be pitfall too because people change over time. And the relationships that flourish are those where the couple grow together whilst also developing as individuals. Never, and I mean ever, lose sight of little old you, because if you neglect her eventually there will be a creeping resentment enter into your relationship. The best of men won't be threatened or belittled when you need to take time out. Quite the opposite; they'll likely appreciate your honesty and are smart enough to know that if you are fulfilled then its a better you he'll get within the relationship. You have your own interests and passions and friends; never sacrifice them because they are an important part of what made you desireable in the first place. I'm deeply suspicious of those whom drop all peripheral aspects of themselves when they find someone new, and outright hostile towards those who demand their partner do likewise. That relationship is doomed. It's parasitic, and you're simply a leech sucking the marrow out of the person you're with. Is that language too strong for your palate? It shouldn't be; take it as a wake up call. To quote Star Trek you're not the Borg and you cannot expect to assimilate another person into your nexus. And even if you could you would be the primary loser because you've eroded the best part of them. So to sum up, bring the best version of you to the party and encourage your partner to be the best version of themselves. You're a team, remember? I don't mean to sound like some lifestyle expert here. If I get anything right it's normally because I got it wrong first. And actually there's a life lesson in that, too. You'll learn as much from your failures as you will from your victories if you're brave enough to confront them honestly and without resorting to projection. Almost all my successes were built upon the rubble of past failure, and how we handle the disappointments says something about us. Relationships can and should be amazing. And they don't have to run out of steam if you've got a couple who are willing to be open to new and surprising directions. The relationship I have with Joy is so different from the one we had 23 years ago. It's richer, more fun, more risque and inventive. And we're not done yet.