Living Raw

I'm a contrary bugger. I tend to puzzle people. I don't always behave as people expect me to. This is not deliberate. I have few guiding principles which I try to live by, but generally speaking I'm happy to let life play out in real time. It's no secret that over the last few months my mind has been a funny place to inhabit. This whole reaching 50 thing has had unforseen consequences. I've been questioning whether the direction of my life is one I'm happy with, or whether I have become too accustomed to settling for less. I'm still figuring all this out, but as I do this these are the things that will guide me. One, I'm going to continue to tell the truth in every situation, irrespective of whether people find what I have to say difficult. I think commiting to try to speak truthfully is one of life's biggest challenges, but I respect those who do and I disdain those who do not. I still recall a workplace conversation I had with a girl whom I do not know particularly well. She was recounting a particular conversation and detailing how she had spoken in a way that may have made her life easier but was hugely dishonest. I loathe this. What a coward. What struck me the most was the ease in which she did it. I find nothing to respect in this. As you've guessed honesty is important to me, and when I sense someone lacks it I will give them a wide berth. The times when I have bent the facts have left me feeling unsettled, and I'm resolving to work on this. Another thing I want to address is my propensity to withdraw when I'm feeling flat or disillusioned or confused. This is particularly hard for Joy because whilst I'm rarely rude or aggressive my distance sends its own message. This a flaw in me and something I want to work on. I'm responsible for communicating what I need and I can't expect other's to have some miraculous insight that allows them to see inside my head. I also need to be honest about the things that disappoint me. I wanted being a parent to be easier, but in hindsight that was a bloody ridiculous expectation. As your kids get older be under no illusion that it gets easier. Its just that the questions change, the challenges. I love both my offspring but I do struggle with being a Dad due to my own inherent selfishness. I wanted it to get easier. It's a long way from that, and this despite both my kids being amazing in so many ways. There's some generational differences creeping in and I need to be mindful of that. As for married life Joy told gave me a mental image recently that was both helpful and depressing. We have experienced some incredible high's when we are connected and in tune with each other, and that means when that bar dips we both feel it. Joy described a rollercoaster, with life as a series of ups an downs and how we need to find some way to be accepting of that. She's right. It doesn't mean I have to like it. One long high would have been just fine. There's an aspect of my personality which is either famine or feast. I'm a man of extremes, not in terms of my temperament as this is fairly even, but more in terms of how I am feeling internally. In the back of my mind I'm concious that some members of my extended family battled with mental health, and whilst I do not think I have I'm aware that perhaps I have genes that predispose me? That's speculation, but I do carry it with me. I've dealt with numerous people through the course of my work who suffered with significant mental health. In fact I've listened to full bipolar meltdowns over the telephone, and my God its a thing to behold. Anyway, the title of this blog is "Living Raw" simply because that is what I do. This is the only way I know. I cannot file my life and my thoughts in an orderly system because that would take something from it. I am flawed in so many ways yet these are not flaws that cause me to feel guilt. In some ways these weaknesses help moderate my internal compass, remind me that I'm incomplete and that I have so much to work and reflect on. Being aware of imperfections doesn't mean you have to be defined by them. Look close enough at anything and you will see flaws. That's called being human.