Better Out Than In.

OK. Deep breath. I've concluded that it is entirely possible to love your own children whilst simultaneously disliking being a parent. I can love my wife without always liking being married. I can love my job whilst often wishing I wasn't there. That wasn't nearly as hard to admit to myself as I thought it might be. On kids, irrespective of age it's just hard work and an emotional drain. Mine are aged 16 and 19 respectively and I'm none the wiser as to how things may turn out for them. I often resent the time it takes and the barriers to freedom kids present. They just do. There's a life I want to live that is locked off from me and there are some days it is hard to be patient, or to believe that this will ever change. With marriage, well that's less of a shock because I don't know a single couple that get things right all the time. Balancing the need to build a life with the desire to fulfill dreams is just so hard. On occasion I like the idea of having my own bachelor pad where I can just be precisely who I want to be all of the time. Nobody to answer to, no mood swings and times of the month to contend with. If I sound like I'm being selfish then you'd not be wrong. I'm not trying to defend this perspective, either, but rather just venting because I know I'm not alone in this regard. Beyond that I'm not the easiest person to spend long periods with and I expect Joy has similar feelings more often than she might care to admit. But here's the thing, none of these thoughts make a person guilty of anything. Actions define who we are. Outcomes. We're free to bitch and moan about how the world could be better. I mean, if our own minds aren't a safe space then God help us all. Regarding work, I love being able to make a positive difference, but I'm there an awful lot. Things are better now we're no longer working a shift pattern that left many of us physically and mentally unwell. What a boon that is. I recall regularly doing 5 consecutive night shifts and then I'd have only two days off. Imagine that. What an immoral shit show that was, but the lessons have been learned and I'm now on an infinitely more sustainable 6 on, 4 off pattern. I cannot begin to impress upon you what a positive difference it has made. I haven't had a sick day since it came in. I get time to recover and regroup. The system acknowledges my humanity and physicality and for that I'm grateful. There's probably a bit of a theme to this post. I know much of what I say sounds hard hearted. I've had people say that I voice the things that many secretly think but never articulate. I'm not sure what I feel about that. You have a voice, haven't you? Bloody well use it and risk the consequences. As I splurge all this onto the virtual page I can feel it doing me good. Better out than in, as they say. Unless you're a flasher, in which case the reverse holds true. Sometimes I just need to let it all out and today is that day. And just to assure you; I love my kids, and I adore my wife, whom will forever be far too good for me. But I am a flawed creature. The rough edges and the contradictions are all out in the open. It is what it is. I am who I am. Here endeth the sermon.