I Wish I'd Done This Better

People who've been reading this blog for years will know that in another life I was an Evangelical Christian. Bible believing, baptised as an adult, a genuine seeker after truth. You'll know also how I changed and morphed into a somewhat hostile atheist. It was a neccesary process, but I conducted myself terribly during the early years post deconversion. I was mean. I was hostile. I lacked respect. I openly mocked those who remained in the faith. I offer no defence for my behaviour. It was abject and unkind and, on reflection, unneccesary. For this, and to those whom I caused pain, I am truly sorry. In 2006 and 2007 my life was not in great shape. I was suffering from work related stress, whilst battling with the loss of my faith which had been the cornerstone of my life. In early 2007 I also learned my father was terminally ill with cancer. Yet being the person I am I just kept going. Trying to find a way through. My faith had given me a good life; friends, community, a wife and children. It had also been a lens through which I saw the world, so when it broke it's fair to say everything else broke with it. My then place of work was increasingly tedious and demoralising, and I was having to do work that was far below what I was I capable of. For those whom know me, you'll likely know that boredom is Kryptonite to me. It kills me, weakens me. I have to be engaged with what I'm doing. This resulted in what I later identified as the previously mentioned stress, a kind of depression and lethargy and absence of vision. The world became dim and foggy, Monday to Friday was a desperate time. God knows how Joy dealt with seeing her husband change from a confident and infuriatingly positive fella into Eeeyore. That she kept faith in me when I deserved none remains a minor miracle. But I digress. Long story short, there was a period of time, perhaps measurable over years, that I was not fun to be around. I was hostile, negative, quick to demean. Three qualities which I found unattractive in others I was now manifesting myself. Talk about a wake up call. All of this is to say that I look back and regret the person that I allowed myself to become. You'll note usage of the term, "Allowed to", because I'm a man that likes to own his shit. And it was my shit. I can blame life's events, wail at the universe, and even acknowlege the perfect storm of misfortune that I encountered, but I won't do it. My choices, my bad choices, will be forever mine. If I have learned anything it is that projecting a problem achieves nothing other than to worsen it, so if its all the same to you I'll take responsibility for the person I was. To say time is a healer, whilst a bit trite, is nontheless true. With time comes perspective, the chance to reflect, and to take the important lessons from each experience. My decision to leave Christianity remains correct because I no longer believed in it. My decision to take such a hostile approach to it remains foolish and self defeating. I hurt other's, I ridiculed and belittled them. And for why? Because I couldn't cope with how my life was panning out. So no excuses from me. I might not have been the author of my own downfall but I did enough proof reading to understand what was going on. So why do I chose today to write about this time period again? Well I've just finished listening to the audiobook of Jordan Petersons 12 Rules For Life. At the core of the text is him extolling us to get our houses in order. To look honestly and openly at every area of our life and see where the deceipt lies. Because there will be deceipt. We deceive ourselves all the time. Be grateful if you're not very good at it because then this fact comes into the open sooner rather than later. Today I have no pearls of wisdom to share. This is me acknowledging my shortcomings, articulating them. Laying them bare. I've never wanted to deceive myself or other's but I have done. I may do so again if I'm not on my guard. Consider this blog as my apology to those whom fell foul of my anger, of my lashing out at my personal circumstances. I should have been wiser. I should have shown more poise. I did not, and that's on me.