On Relationships

I spend a lot of time thinking about relationships, I'm still learning. I don't always get it right. But when I think about what makes them work I think I have a few ideas. I'm quietly confident that there's a need to "Dial in" to what makes the other person tick. What causes them to feel empowered, valued, heard, enriched? In so many ways this is an ongoing project, because of course people change, and often in ways you may not have forseen, or sometimes the circumstances within the relationship change, with outside pressures conspiring to make connection just that bit more of a challenge. When I say "Dial in", I mean no more than to show a willingness to engage with what your partner needs in order to flourish. Again this may change from time to time, but I think a willingness on our part to commit to the concept says alot about a person. Also, it isn't wholly down to you, because of course the other person has primary responsibility to ensure they are aspiring to be the best version of themselves. It can never be your job to "fix" another person. We can only do so much at the end of the day, but that's as it should be. For me I want to learn where I'm going wrong, where I could be doing better, and that requires some discomfort from time to time. I'm so fortunate to be married to a women who will be honest with me, and under the right circumstances forthright about it. Recently we had one of those conversations which just flowed naturally from a place of trust. I was able to ask what I could be doing better, and I was privilaged to receive honest feedback. That enables me to know where I might not be dialling in well, and gives me time to reflect and then commit to do better. I have to climb over my own ego to get there but that's not a big price to pay. I want a great marriage built on rock solid foundations. A marriage that is cool at any given time, but also like a stream, able to break around the rocks and continue to new places. And rivers do need to flow otherwise they become stagnant and overgrown, and who'd want to swim in those waters? Changing tact slightly, I often hear young single people say things like "I have high standards" or "I'm too picky." Now this sounds great in principle, yet I actually regard it as a bit of a red flag, and for the following reasons. I think the best connections occur when people bounce off each other in a natural and easy way, and I have concerns that when we're too rigid with our initial expectations we potentially create some unneccesarily uncomfortable hoops for others to jump through. When you're in a new relationship you are at the beginning of a journey, the start of a tale, and the very best tales grow in the telling. So by all means have high standards, but do let the other person breath lest you want to choke the life out of the relationship before it gets a chance to flourish. Now you might be reading this and rolling your eyes and thinking, "What does he know?", "What entitles Rob to say all this?" And of course that's fair comment. I've no particular expertise, unless learning by my failings counts as expertise. It's just that's its 0530 on a Saturday morning and I can't sleep, and I had all these thoughts just fizzing around. Do what you want with anything I've suggested. None of it is neccessarily correct or useful. You get to decide what bits to take onboard and what to throw away. I'm just a middle aged fella who's slightly past his best who has a mind that loves engaging with the things that really matter. And relationships really matter. We agree on that part, right?