I've not read Fifty Shades Of Grey. I require no "BDSM for dummies" starter pack. And aside from EL James' remarkable capacity for bad prose, she has got people talking. Or at least, the people who weren't talking about creative sexual self expression anyway. Now whilst Christian Grey is probably not the best mascot for BDSM, I think people whom are so inclined can search the tens of thousands of Internet forums, or blogs written by both male and female dominants and sub-missives. A careful inspection of the more highly regarded ones will teach you that the same phrase repeatedly crops up. Safe, sane, and consensual. If you apply this mantra to any form of sexual activity then there is absolutely no reason, as far as I can see, that loving and emotionally self aware couples cannot enjoy an entire banquet of sexual creativity. Fantasy comes in many forms, and as unique individuals we should welcome this. And as a man who loves to please his lady I consider it essential that I make every effort to understand what makes her tick and learn ways to enhance the intimacy and levels of connection between us. As such, when I hear people simply assume that alternative forms of sexual expression are automatically perverse or damaging I just have to role my eyes. And I wonder to myself, are these people fully aware of how a loving and creative sexual relationship can bring new strength and illumination to a couples? Now of course partners must decide their own limits, and no person should ever feel compelled to partake in an activity which they feel is degrading or damaging to them. But let's be honest shall we, a large silent percentage of the population have and continue to engage in many of the activities described in Fifty Shades Of Grey. And as far as I'm concerned, just so long as the bedrock of their interaction remains safe, sane, and consensual then I hope they have a lovely time. Some people enjoy receiving pain, or seeing people respond to pain. Same goes for a thousand and one forms of sexual activity. My advice to all persons who read this, irrespective of gender, is never to let yourself be drawn into any activity you do not feel ok with. And if you're wavering as to whether something interests you or not then discuss it with your partner. You're on a journey together after all, and you'd be wiser and more likely to achieve mutual satisfaction if you share with honesty and candour your boundaries and expectations and fears.
This is just common sense. This is the beating heart of any positive relationship. And as you grow together the boundaries may shift, and things once inconceivable may become of greater interest. Keep an open mind, but more than that keep a warm heart. A heart of compassion; a heart motivated by a desire to love your partner, in whatever shape or form this may take.
This blog isn't about sex. It's about communication. And if you've had to wait for me to say it then that says something quite profound about you.