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Wednesday, 13 November 2013

The War Is Over

I spent 13 years as a religious believer, and then 7 more years arguing just as passionately against it. That's 20 years. That's a long time. As I reflect I come to realise that the war within me is over. Peace has been declared. I do not need to prove myself right, or others wrong. And if I had the chance to change anything I would politely decline. My religiosity and subsequent apostasy have made me what I am, and in a certain sense I can give a nod to both. Had I not explored religion I would never have met let alone married Joy, an idea incomprehensible to me. Whilst had I not rejected belief I may never have had the privilege of reading and reflecting on some of the most agile minds of our age. I am, as we all are, products of our own journey. Had I not walked this road I would be different, lesser, narrower. I am grateful for even the difficult moments, for they refined me. And I am equally proud to have made so many meaningful associations on both ends of the spectrum. But the war is over. I don't need to fight with the universe, with the big questions anymore. I just want to live this life in the most real and genuine sense, fully open to all the experiences that may come my way. I am 42 now, and perhaps I should have a fixed set of perspectives. I actually don't, though. There is no opinion that I have that is carved in stone, no mantra so sacred that I wouldn't change it if the evidence required me to. I still believe kindness trumps malice, and that honesty trumps falsehood. But I never want to be so fixated on a view that I wouldn't budge. So I guess my openess is a kind of gateway, and it gives me permission to be right, to be wrong, to be enquiring and without bias. I probably spent too long wanting to be certain, to have a fixed point I could build myself around. No more. It just doesn't seem worth it. So if its all the same to you I'm going to be a reed blowing in the wind. I'm going to let life happen. I'm going to roll with it. I'm going to keep my eyes open and just take it all in.
13 years believing it. 7 years fighting it. I think that's long enough.

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