Neck it, deck it, have another one,
Chuck your guts and call it fun,
Head down the bog with your tits hanging out,
Is this really your idea of a good night out?
Wobble on your heels, dribble in your glass,
Flirt with that tart with the enormous arse,
Stagger through the noise and the music and the gloom,
Waking with a headache like a sonic boom.
Talk to the waiter like you wiped him off your shoe,
Summon and discard him like the guy belongs to you,
Snigger at his accent, mock his moustache,
All part and parcel of being on the lash.
Argue with your soul mate or the bouncer at the door,
Slurring that your sober and your ready for more,
Pushing and shoving then the smashing of a glass,
Bottle in the face and flat on your arse.
Blue lights flashing, ambulance on scene,
Crowds leering, cheering, get another beer in,
The night goes on, the groping continues,
High heeled shoe through a kebab van window.
Police on scene, bodies on the floor,
Squirming and snarling and wrestling with the law
The cuffs go on, the natives guffaw,
Neon lights fade at the slamming of a door.
Lost your phone, can't get home
Wandering through the estate,
Your make up is smeared and you look like the joker,
Nylons laddered, senses bladdered.
Pushing and shoving, kicking and punching,
Slap your partner, steal her keys,
Words go wild, bitching like a child,
Don't be surprised if I'm less than beguiled.
Sunrise looming through half drawn curtains,
Stink of your farts the one thing now certain,
Your brain has gone south,
Taste like cat piss in your mouth.
Opening your wallet, seeking out the cash,
Really can't believe that you burned that stash,
Didn't get a snog, nor a fumble or a grope,
Waking up single with a little less hope.
Here ends this tale of a night on lash,
And frankly I'm somewhat perplexed.
I'm not really tempted, I'm not really sold
Perhaps I'm just boring, sour faced, too old?
It sounds a bit wasteful, I hasten to add,
I suspect I prefer other ways to be bad.
But hey you crack on, get dolled up, scream and shout,
Cos apparently this equals the perfect night out.