Consider the following visual image. Picture your hands upon a water balloon, pushing it inwards from any given direction. What happens? One part of the balloon goes inwards, whilst another part, the part you're not holding bulges out. Now transpose that image and think about yourself, particularly the areas in your life with which you struggle. Do you ever find that just when you've got one issue under control another one appears from somewhere else? Perhaps something you'd assured yourself you'd dealt with?
My life is like that water balloon. I resolve one issue, another emerges. I plug one leak, another springs forth.
I am, and have always been somewhat at war with myself. I'm reminded of how the apostle Paul bemoaned that the things he shouldn't do he did, whilst that which he should do he didn't. Well that's my story, that's my treadmill. You don't need to know the details, and if you know me well you'll know my issues already. Suffice to say that I've never really felt I'm at the helm of my own ship. It seems to get blown off course with an ease that sometimes freaks me out.
Ok, enough hand wringing. You're bored already. Thing is, I don't think I'm that different from you. I expect you've got your issues, your impulses, daily flaws you need to monitor and aspects of your personality you'd gladly trade in should chance allow. If I had a remedy for this I'd have taken it years ago, but I've discovered no magic formulae to date. I think I miss having close friends to keep me accountable, especially male friends. Sometimes it just helps to bounce ideas off other guys, see how they perceive issues. And yes ladies, men do talk, too. Probably not in the same way you do, and almost certainly not for so long, but it's not unheard of.
Anyway, I don't think I have a central theme in this blog other than to recognise, again, that I'm a flawed work. My imperfections often run riot and choke the quality stuff like creepers around a tree. I wish I was a better man, a nobler man, a wiser man. I'm working on it, trying to iron out the ugly aspects. I'm a bit angst ridden at the moment, and a bit bruised, but if I'm nothing else I'm not a quitter. I'll plod on, day by day, hour by hour if need be. It's the best I can manage.