Wednesday, 28 December 2011

The Monkey On My Back

You've done something wrong. You enjoyed it. You try to find ways to make it somehow less grievous, less damaging. Pick any number of transgressions, whichever weaknesses you're prone too, and then recall the games that took place in your mind as you tried to balance those books.
Don't do that. Own the misdemeanour. It's the only way you're going to overcome it. Actually, you might not ever overcome it, but it's still better not to self deceive. I hope none of this sounds like a sermon; heaven forbid I've got a vast wardrobe of flaws that I sometimes launch into. I speak from a position of abject weakness, but if I do have a saving grace it's my capacity to be honest with myself. I've been having to do a lot of this of late, and it's a sobering thing.
Which leads me into reflecting how our choices, my choices, rarely happen in isolation. Choices have consequences, our obsessions can cause a ripple effect that can damage those inside the blast zone.
One of my fears is causing upset to other people, specifically those close to me. It's this fear, a healthy fear, that's kept me from walking down more than one blind alley or two. I know that I have weak points, and I'm long resigned to having a life long battle with them. Ok, enough crap, my weakness is the fairer sex; always has been and will be until such time when my libido get's replaced by the desire to go crown green bowling and watch the antiques roadshow.
There. Said it. That was bloody hard. I'm fortunate enough to have an amazing wife who I'm up front with, and she's enough of a realist to know what she's dealing with.  I just love women. Absolutely adore them. I can find something attractive in almost every one. In one sense this is cool, but there's always the flip side that I can find myself obsessing from time to time. It's always been a part of me and I've never shaken it, and I almost don't want to. I relate to females really well, and I've always really enjoyed female company and I hope I have a reasonable grasp of how females think? 
I expect many guys who read this are nodding quietly to themselves. Perhaps I'm a fool to be so candid. Yet this blog is meant to record my thoughts, my angst, my lunacy, and if I hold back it's no longer authentic. Besides, I don't think it's a bad thing to admit to a few personal weaknesses, and perhaps this might encourage others to be a bit more honest with themselves. And here's the punchline; when we can be transparent with ourselves we put ourselves in a place of power. Yes our faults still haunt us, but they are in full view, which means they're not going to take us by surprise. I'm afraid that's the best I can do.

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