Friday, 10 June 2011

The Man I Could Have Been

If I was single, and I don't want to be, I wonder what kind of life I would be living today? Have you ever done similar? When I try to imagine this the provisional image that comes back is very shallow. I envisage a bachelor pad, all the gadgets and a shiny clean car. There's a massive TV in the lounge, along with a Bose sound system, and the obligatory games consoles and Apple products. I can imagine myself living Stateside, but doing what I cannot say. I think I'd be commitment phobic, shying away from anybody who wanted to change my routine too much. I'd probably go down the shag buddy route. If memory serves they are way lower maintenance than run of the mill girlfriends. We'd get together a couple of times a week, have some laughs and then engage in all manner of deviant behavior. No commitment, nobody demanding a slice of the pie.
Have you noticed the trend?  The rich vein of selfishness running through every aspect of my life. Even I can see what an appalling creature I would be, organizing a life of me-first excess, every aspect geared to ensure the least inconvenience. I have to acknowledge that marriage has been good for me, and children too. Combined, there is no better way to ensure that every last drop of selfishness is sucked out, leaving a better man, a more rounded man, the kind of man that can actually bring something to a relationship. I guess this is my way of saying that I know what I could be if I gave free reign to my impulses, and I don't think I like the view. At best I'd probably be good company for short periods. For the rest of the time I'd be the centre of my own universe, an ugly fool barely worth a second of your attention. Don't misunderstand me; I can still be selfish, but at least I cannot deceive myself into thinking that a bachelors life would add anything to my day to day experience. Joy and the girls have made me a better man. Probably a better man than I could otherwise have dreamed of. As always life is a trade off, and as trade off's go I don't think I've done too bad.

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